Crisp and Cold Wintry Day

It is crisp and cold here today.  I took a picture of the frost this morning...you can see it on the trees, grass, and the top of the gazebo.  (I don't know if you can see it or not in this picture, but those flowers that were magically growing out there in the boxes...yeah, they're dead now.)

The sun is just rising in this picture.  It isn't quite over the treetops yet.  In the distance you can even see some of our mountains.  There are others about 20 miles northeast from us.  (Hey, Tom...aren't you proud of me?  I used directional words like 'north' and 'east' properly in a sentence.  I hope anyway...lol.  One of my personal deficiencies is the inability to find my way out of a paper bag with only one hole in it.  Yeah for a GPS!!!!)  These mountains aren't as good as TN mountains but they are still pretty to look at.

It was funny...I took this picture for the blog today and not 10 minutes later, Tom sends me an email and talks about it being cold this morning but that he liked it this way.  We think so much alike.  It has been wet and cold here lately and we don't like that kind of weather.  This feels like Christmas is really on the way.

As I've talked about on the blog before, I have a Boeing Wellness Health 'person' that calls me and discusses ways to relieve stress (meditation was one of their suggestions...I tried it and told them..."Yeah, good luck with that...I can hardly sit still for 5 minutes, what else have you got?").  They hooked me up with a cancer nurse who answers all my questions pertaining to what I am going through right now.  

So, she called me yesterday and we discussed 'Cancer stuff'.  I almost didn't answer the phone because I wasn't in the mood nor did I think she could provide me with any info that I hadn't already researched and figured out but, actually, she was a wealth of information.  She had a good analagy for why chemo seems to hit me harder each time I get another dose.  She said it was like I started out taking chemo with an empty sack.  Then with each dose, 10 lbs of weights are added to the sack.  So, now I am up to 50 lbs of weights that I have to drag around with me.  She also said it takes about 6 months (on average) to recover from chemo.  So, by next July I should be feeling like my old self.  Hope, hope, hope...there is always hope that keeps me going.  8-)

I asked her about the 'smelling weird stuff' problem I have.  I smell chemo everywhere I go, all over the house, and my sense of smell is so heightened that I can't even stand my husband's cleaning solution for his electric razor.  (This currently resides in the garage because it was so nauseating...sorry, honey.)  She explained that not only have I lost all the hair on my head but also in my nose, which filtered out smells, so now I am getting them full force.  I had never thought about losing the hair in my nose...good grief, I never even thought about having hair in my nose before.  That also explains the increased allergies since chemo to some degree probably. 

Anyway, we talked about other stuff too but suffice it to say that she was just a wealth of information.

My cousin Andrea is going to send me some aloe plants.  I didn't even know she was reading the blog and poof, yesterday she posted that she has an entire yard full of aloe.  She lives out west and I don't know if it grows wild or if she just grows it because she likes the plant.  God is always preparing ways to meet needs, isn't he?  I am so blessed in so many ways that I can't even count.  (Thanks, Andrea for helping out!)

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Massages and Stuff

Last  night, Tom was giving me one of his famous massages. (Only famous around here...thank you very much).  (Hey...just my shoulders and neck...this is a G rated blog.)

I'm going "Mmm...so much power in those hands...I feel so relaxed now."

He responds with "Power just like a race car...except I don't have a clue what I did with the key."

Ha HA...funny guy.

He has a fine sense of humor...one of the reasons that I married him.  Isn't it funny how we gravitate to people who make us laugh?

Not too much going on here today.  Yesterday was a very hectic, brain taxing, body breaking work day.  I was SO glad when it was over.  The simplest things tax my brain to the max right now.  The good thing about being work busy though is that it takes my personal focus off of the chemo and puts it back out into the world.  That is important right now.  I try to make the only time that I focus on what is going on with me is while writing this blog (It is still a therapeutic outlet according to my health coach so I keep writing in it) or telling Tom about my day in the evening...then I am less self-absorbed and probably less apt to feel as badly as I might if I just sat around and said "Woe is me" all day.  Yeah for work!

My sister calls me the other day and starts talking about getting an aloe plant to treat my breast after the radiation therapy each time.  I had already gotten something bottled from Walmart that said it was 100% Aloe but she says that doesn't work.  I'm thinking..."I'm never gonna find a REAL aloe plant at this time of year..."  I'm spazzing out in my head because it's only about 8 weeks until I start that.  In her no nonsense fashion she just states that they'll take care of it for me...(She is such a take charge person).  She says it won't be any problem to find one at all.  It's funny  how the littlest thing seems like a mountain that can't be moved (to me) but others just think, "No biggee."  I appreciate her help with this one because I would just use the bottled stuff and if I hurt...o well...too much trouble to get a real plant.  (Which definitely isn't like the 'normal' me...lol)  I really hope she is right and it isn't a big deal to get it.  I had already looked at a ton of stores around here and did not find a plant and I didn't think of ordering online because I figured it would be dead by the time it got here (or dead after I TOUCHED IT - [Reference blog entry "New Life When You Least Expect it"  http://tnt-teresa.blogspot.com/2010/09/new-life-when-you-least-expect-it.html] to understand this statement...HA!).  I am sure that she is way more resourceful than I am right now. 

Hope everyone out there is having a great day!

Comparisons

Dark and gloomy outside...warm and happy inside.  8-)

Almost sounds like something to eat, huh?

Nah...just the difference between the outside world and my disposition.

I am feeling like a conquerer today.  Yeah, I still have that nagging nausea and a slight temp, but my energy levels are returning and I'm all showered and clean and feeling happy inside.  God is so GOOD to me...and I don't even deserve it. 

We are now in day 6 after chemo.  I am feeling hopeful that I will feel good enough in a week to do it all over again.

In retrospect...Taxotere drags you down for a longer time but AC hits you harder at the beginning and then tapers off quicker.  (I guess if I were to give an analogy, Taxotere would be like being beaten up in the ring for 5 rounds and AC would be a knockout in the first round.)  Hard to say which one is preferred.  I like that the AC doesn't make me a mean chemo drunk or give me the emotional draining that I got from Taxotere but I hate that I am disabled for about 3 days after the steroids wear off.  I am very much a self sufficient person and hated to depend on Tom so much for EVERYTHING for those three days (and I DO mean everything).  But he was there for me and I salute his ability to take care of me.  There wasn't a single need that went unmet.

I was really thankful that this was the Thanksgiving holidays and I didn't have to try to work until Monday.  I  think next time it will probably cost me two sick days instead of just one on the chemo day.

Just wanted to share today's Max Lucado with you guys...it's a good one.  I never feel worthy of what God has done for me...here is a wonderful reminder that while I may constantly strive for perfection (and Lord knows that I do and never achieve it), I don't have to be perfect and why....  8-)

"Cleansing Blood

By Max Lucado

 

In Him we have redemption through His blood, the forgiveness of sins. Ephesians 1:7, KNJV

The blood of Christ does not cover your sins, conceal your sins, postpone your sins, or diminish your sins.  It takes away your sins, once and for all time.

Jesus allows your mistakes to be lost in His perfection."

Such a statement of HOPE!  8-)

Visitors

We were sitting in the living room watching TV and Tom hears Shadow going spastic in the dining room window.  (For anyone that hasn't been following this blog...Shadow is a very fat nine year old cat that is part of our family.)  We get up and look outside and there is a young cat (less than a year but more than 6 months I would guess) sitting outside the dining room window trying to get to Shadow.   Shadow is very interested in her but we aren't sure if it is "I like you" interest or "Get off my turf" interest.  So I go to the front door and the kitten is standing there and tries to come in when I open the door.

Obviously, this isn't a feral cat.

When I open the door a little wider, she just prances in like she owns the place.

"Well", I think, "we'll see how this goes."   We needed some new entertainment, anyway.

The cat is a very pretty and clean gray striped female.  I'm thinking that two female cats in one house probably won't go over so well. 

The kitten is walking around the living room as if she owns it and Shadow (of course...the BIG CHICKEN) is hiding behind the couch and growling.  I thought, "Too funny...she was all over that kitten when the window was between them but put them in the same room and she is 20 pounds of a cowering 'fraidy' cat."

I wish I had thought to get a picture.  But alas...chemo brain didn't even think of it.

This morning, Shadow had about 1000 other visitors.  One of the things that I found odd and beautiful when we first moved here was that early in the morning, in the fall, absolutely FLOCKS of birds gather in one place and talk to each other.  I have no idea what type of birds these are, but from Oct - Dec, you will, at some time, see literally thousands of them congregating in a group of trees.  It is as though they are migrating and they all stop to rest.  I used to see them out where I worked (just when I would arrive at work) but this morning, they were all in our backyard perching in the trees along the property line.  Shadow (of course) spied them and sat totally entertained for the 10 minutes or so that they were resting.  It was kind of like the scene from the old movie "The Birds" which I think was an Alfred Hitchcock directed thriller where all these birds were gathering and attacking humans.  EXCEPT, when they gather here and I see them, it always leaves me with a peaceful feeling instead of the scared feeling you get in the movie. 8-)

Of course, again...I didn't think to get a picture. 

Back to the kitten though...

She obviously belonged to someone because when it came time for her to go back outside (which was within a couple of minutes of entering since Shadow was saying quite vehemently, "Get that Cat off of my turf!"), Tom was able to pick her up and put her gently back outside. 

A couple of hours later, the neighbors came by with the cat wanting to know if she was ours.  (I guess we are the cat people in the neighborhood.  Everyone else has dogs and they all like to use our yard...go figure.  No leash law where we live in AL...can you believe that?  Well, it IS Alabama.)  We assured them that she wasn't ours.  8-) 

That's about all that is going on here...hope everyone is having a great day today!

Recovering

The past 44 hours have been challenging. 

OK, I'm done with the blog...that sums it up.  (Just kidding but (really) unless you want to read a lot of whining, close out the blog now.)

I was a little tired when I went to get my Neulasta shot two days ago but when I got back, I was totally drained.  So, I did the only thing any self-serving person would do...I went to bed.  That was around 11:30 am on Friday.  When Tom got home, around 4:30, I made myself get out of bed and spend some time with him and eat.  Then I went back to bed and stayed until this morning.  (about 32 hours later) 

Yesterday, I couldn't walk without help.  Today, I'm walking very well.  My BP was 98/47 this morning which is a bit low even for me but since I am up and moving around then I'm not too worried about it being low.  (AND I'm playing Farmville and blogging again...that's a good sign I'm on the mend since I could have cared LESS about any computer business for about 44 hours.) 

Tom did a great job taking care of me yesterday...he washed the chemo out of my sheets, helped me through the showering business, fed me, made sure I drank water, took my vitals, and even called the nurse on duty when he was concerned about my temp and lethargy. 

Of course, yesterday, I was saying, "I'm not doing this again.  Are they TRYING to kill me?  Sure seems like breast cancer would be better than this."  Today, I am thinking I will do it again since it is really just a couple of days of really BAD business and it DIDN'T kill me.  Today, I feel like I did on Taxotere...just tired and beaten down. 

I am very thankful that I didn't have to work for the last 4 days.  It would have been impossible.  I have even considered going on short term disability to get through this since my company offers it but today would be the "Monday" on my next treatment and I could probably work through this tiredness and nausea.  My next treatment will be on the 9th and then I get to do this the day before Christmas.  O JOY.  8-)

Okay...another thing to be thankful for...I have not had bone pain from the Neulasta shot this time.  I think my white count was low enough this time for it to have made a difference.   You may remember from much earlier blogs that they gave me the Neulasta shot with the first Taxotere chemo and I had terrible bone pain.  (After that, I told them I would not be taking the Neulasta with any more of the Taxotere treatments which they agreed to but made me understand that I have no choice on the AC Chemo.)  I looked back at my white counts prior to the shot and they were actually already high (probably because I had just had surgery to put the port in and I'm sure my body saw that port as a foreign body and sent white blood cells in to the rescue...so they were already producing in full force.) and this time, they were actually borderline low when I got the AC Chemo.  WHO KNOWS...all I know is that the pain is absent and I'm very happy about that.

One final thing, Tom has confirmed that I am not a mean chemo drunk on AC chemo.   Nor am I particularly emotional...just wiped out.  The mess around the bedroom that I continued to generate didn't bother me either which is pretty amazing.  (Being as OCD about clean as I am...) 

Well, I'm going to go lay down for a while since I have now expended what energy I had stored up and then later today I need to wrap the Christmas presents to send off to people as soon as I have some more stored up.

I hope everyone is having a great day....mine is certainly better than yesterday.  8-)

More Random Musings

So...here is a funny thing.  I am going through my old  posts and I see one that was just a draft and it was titled, "I Get So Easily Distracted" and there was nothing in the body of the posting.  Wow...was that an apt title, or what?  LOL  (Yeah, I deleted that one...as well as several others I started but didn't finish.)

A lot of this cancer business is just waiting around for stuff.  Today I am waiting to go get my neulasta shot.  That is the shot that helps the bones produce more white blood cells.  I really dread this shot because it causes such severe bone pain.  I got out of it for the last three rounds of Taxotere, but the doctor says I have to have it for the AC chemo.  Nothing I could say could convince him otherwise.  Hmmph.  I can usually talk my way out of anything...very disappointing that I lost this battle.

The AC chemo definitely hits harder than the taxotere because I've already had the bloody noses and broken blood vessels in my hands that I usually don't get for about a week after Taxotere.  Small fever this morning which I have to watch and some slight nausea.  All of this is manageable though.

I guess I forgot to tell how the MRI of my head came out.  The good news is there are no tumors in my brain.  YEAH!  He didn't say whether I had a brain or not so I am just believing that it is so...lol.  The bad news is that the cyst that they removed from my nose last November has grown back and is probably what is causing my headaches.  He felt the Taxotere was causing the blurred and double vision and since that has cleared up now, I would guess he was right.  He said when the chemo is over, he'll send me over to ENT to get the cyst removed.  Maybe I'll get a better ENT doctor than I had last time.  He wasn't bad, but I went to him for an earache that wouldn't go away and he just focused on the cyst he found in my nose. The earache never has gone away but I've learned to live with it.  There have obviously been more important things than a silly earache to take care of this year.  HA.

We had a great Thanksgiving yesterday.  The meal plan came out perfect.  I warmed up the turkey in the oven while the rolls were cooking, made the velveeta cheese potatoes at the same time and 5 minutes from completion put some steamer veggies in the microwave.  After we ate all that, we had blueberries in lite cool whip.  We were definitely stuffed Turkeys when it was over.  My favorite was the Mrs. Shubert's rolls.  I LOVE bread.  The blueberries came in second but really...it was all yummy.  It was a good day all around.  8-)  God is so amazing to us.  I don't care what the rest of the week brings as long as Tom had a good Thanksgiving.  It would have been nice to have been with more family but it was great to at least share the holiday with my honey.   8-)

I hope everyone else had a great Thanksgiving also.  You were all in my prayers for safe travel and a great day!

Chemo Update and Talents

As I lay (absolutely not sleeping) last night, I thought I should make a sign to hang down from the office doorway that said "Beware the tired and irritable chemo woman within this room.  Enter at your own risk."  Then Tom would have a warning for my mood for today.  Unfortunately, he got out of bed when I did so I just warned him verbally.  8-)

The AC Chemos and steroids do a lot more 'body bloating' than Taxotere.  I was up 5 lbs on the scales this morning and I feel like the goodyear blimp.  My face has the steroid round to it.  Ugh.  Well, all this will pass...the good news is that I haven't thrown up once.  I haven't even felt nauseous so the anti-emetic medicine is working just fine.  Extremely tired would be the basic feeling for the day...lead weights all over my body making moving undesirable.  Other than doing laundry, making beds and cooking lunch and supper, I don't plan on moving around a whole lot.

So, Carol, here's something for hot flashes and blood pressure.  (Other readers, feel free to skip this boring paragraph)  Last week I checked my BP without hot flashes and it would run around 97/69.  I would have a hot flash and the systolic (top) number would rise to 139 but the diastolic (bottom) remained in the high 60's and low seventies.  Not sure if yours are just systolic jumps or both systolic and diastolic rises.  There would be a very slight increase in pulse rate.  I have been having hot flashes every hour since I started this new chemo (hence the lack of sleep last night) and was doing BP checks during that. While not flashing, it is my normal 97/69 but during a hot flash, my BP is dropping really low (89/50 range) but my pulse is racing like crazy (Jumping up to the 80s).  From what I read of the anti-emetic, it causes a lower BP and dizziness.  That may be the reason it is dropping.    Who knows since they dumped so many different medicines (aka poisons) in me yesterday.

Max Lucado's inspirational message for today says:

"Concerning Talents

By Max Lucado

You made me and formed me with your hands.  Give me understanding so I can learn your commands.  Psalm 119:73

God has gifted you with talents.  He has done the same to your neighbor.  If you concern yourself with your neighbor’s talents, you will neglect yours.  But if you concern yourself with yours, you could inspire both."

I've never felt I had any real talent.  I've always seen myself as a medium person.  I can do just about anything set in front of me but I don't particularly stand out as having talent for it.  I had to work hard in college to get all A's.  But there was no talent to that learning.  No gift there.  At work, I have been recognized as a scheduling Subject Matter Expert (SME) and am the only one of my kind in the Huntsville Boeing Facility but I have to work hard to stay on top of all the changes in the scheduling arena.  Usually, people send me an email question and I have to research to see what the latest ruling on it is.  Something that they could have done themselves, but I am there to utilize, so they do.  It's easier for them to do this because I can give them the answer in a nutshell after I've deciphered it.  Anyway, the medium thing goes for any facet of my life but I'm ok with being medium.  I have never seen being medium as having talents so I guess I'm still looking for the 'talents' that God has given me.  8-) I'm sure they are there if He promised them.  8-)  I just need to stop and listen for a while...

AC Chemo #1

Today I learned what AC stands for. The 'A' is for Adriamycin' and I am not allergic to that one. It is red chemical that they give directly from a syringe into my port. The 'C' is for Cytoxan. I AM allergic to that one. I actually thought I was going to get through this one without the allergic reactions. I was very hopeful when we got through the adriamycin with no reaction. O well..it is what it is.

Both of these chemicals fight a lot of other cancers also. Too many to list in this blog while typing on my iPad. Ha!  However, of interest to my sister, they are also used to fight Multiple Myeloma.   Did Daryl take these?

I am in the same chair I had last time. Number six. The nurse first directed me to number four which kind of excited me because it is next to the window and because that number is closer to number one which psychologically makes me feel 'more special'.  BUT there was someone in number four when I went to it. Then I was in a quandary...should I tell the guy that he is in my seat or should I go back and tell the nurse that someone else was in MY chair.  Hmmmm...

Ok, I opted to tell the nurse and she was like, "WHO took my number four chair?" (Imagine the story going like Goldilocks and the Three Bears...WHOSE been sitting in MY CHAIR?)  and I got to see the two nurses duke it out. My nurse lost but I really was ok with not getting a window seat.  So, here I am in chair number six again. 

When the allergy kicked in, it was different than the last time. My allergic reaction to the Taxotere was itching on my back and a beet red face that acted like sunburn.  I hated the flushing face.  It lasted for about three days and then the skin on my face peeled just like with sunburn.  This time, just my chest itches with no face involvement. 

We are home now after doing a quick Walmart run to find some new movies to watch and some cat treats. (Must have cat treats...must keep cat calm and happy...)  I am very tired (I'm not getting my usual steroid high like I usually do...bummer.) but the nausea medicine seems to be working because I was able to eat a sandwich for lunch with no repercussions.  Tom picked up my prescription for the nausea medicine that I have to take tomorrow and Friday so we are good to go with those.   (YEAH TOM!)

The nurse told me that the Adriamycin is a vesicant and, if put directly on the skin, will cause your skin to die and they have had patients that had to have surgery to remove the dead skin after it leaked out of the IV.  I asked her about the veins and arteries and she said that the walls of the veins and arteries are stronger and can take the medicine fine.  I find that amazing.  Veins and arteries are apparently built to take a lot of poison before collapsing...well, that is good for me, huh?  LOL

Well, I believe I've probably bored you guys enough with chemo talk.   I'm going to call it a day and go vegetate in front of the TV with some movies. 

Hope everyone is having a great day...mine really hasn't been all that bad for a chemo day.   8-)

Ready for Turkey Day!!

My son called me last night.

I LOVED hearing his voice.  I laughed so much my sides hurt.  He has my sense of humor and when we get together, the jokes go on and on. 

He is doing well and surviving the winter weather in North Dakota.  They had snow before Halloween up there.  That's just wrong.  I know he will be glad to leave that weather when his time to move comes around.

He told me my granddaughter (his daughter) Alyssa has juvenile diabetes.  From everything I've ever read about juvenile diabetes, this means that she will have to take insulin for the rest of her life because juvenile diabetes is type 1.  Keep her in your prayers as she and her family adjust to this disease.

Talking to him is like opening up my heart and getting it filled to the brim.  He says he might come down this summer.  I think he wanted to come home for Christmas but he understands that this isn't a good time to introduce new germs into the house. 

I got some groceries this morning.  (Yeah ME!)  I finally figured out what we're doing for Thanksgiving.  I got some boars-head maple cured turkey breast meat (already cooked and sliced so all I have to do is heat it up), some Sister Shubert's rolls, some mixed veggies, and I'm going to make some Velveeta cheese potatoes.  This way, it is all easy and if I'm not up to it eating it, at least Tom will get a nice turkey meal.  I've been worrying over what I was going to do for Turkey day for him.  I feel much better about going into the next chemo round now that I have that planned. 

Hope everyone is having a great day! 

Something Usable?

All I can think about today is that I only have two more good days left before the AC Chemo starts.  Ugh.

Panic mode...I hate this.  I go into a fight or flight mode every time.  (Flight is looking pretty good right about now.)

Shadow doesn't look concerned...OH for a cat's life...8-)  Of course they don't live that many years, so I guess I'll continue to feel blessed in that regard.  8-)

Yesterday's Max Lucado Daily Devotion was based on Romans 8:28.  "We know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called to His purpose."

Max's part went like this:

"Everything?  Everything.  Chicken-hearted disciples.  A two-timing Judas.  A pierced side.  Spineless Pharisees.  A hard-hearted High Priest.  In everything God worked.  I dare you to find one element of the cross that he did not manage for good or recycle for symbolism.  Give it a go.  I think you'll find what I found - every dark detail was actually a golden moment in the cause of Christ.

Can't he do the same for you?"

And I wonder...can he?  Can he take this dark time in my life and turn it into something usable for the good of Christ?  Is it possible that I can come out on the other side of this being more and not less than I was before?  I don't care about the external scars left behind.  Can I get past the internal scars that say I am susceptible to something that could kill me? 

I believe I can and will.  I believe I have what it takes no matter how hard the road gets.  I have felt God holding me in His arms, caring for me, and loving me through this so far and I know he isn't going to stop now.  (That doesn't mean I won't whine and moan along the way...I have to vent or go crazy.)

My thanks to everyone supporting me out there because you are just an extension of God's arms around me.  Don't stop now...we're heading into the hardest part.  Please keep those prayers going up...they are the most important part of this fight.

Christmas Shopping Day

Well, we had quite a day yesterday.

This is the last weekend that I'll be able to get out for the next ten weeks so we were trying to get all the Christmas shopping done.  Didn't quite make it so I guess I'll be doing some online shopping.

We did get my car oil changed and tires rotated which was a big accomplishment.  Since they gave us a free package for all the maintenance when I bought the car, I had to take it to the dealership.  That shouldn't have been a big deal except I bought the car in Fayettesville, TN.  Yeah, about 45 miles away but we chose this particular dealership because they gave me 120% of the blue book value on my Solara when I traded it in.  Anyway, you have to make an appointment and ours was for 9 am.  We got there about 8:30 because I wasn't sure how long it would take us to drive it.  They took it right in and had us out by 9:20.

Then we headed on to shopping.  We hit one store in Fayettesville and got a couple of presents but then we decided that it was time to eat.  We headed back to Huntsville and ate at Cheddars.  We hadn't eaten at Cheddars before (It just came to town about a year ago and we've been meaning to try it out but it always looked too busy.) so this was a new adventure.  We didn't have to wait for a seat so that was a plus (of course, it was only 11:15 so not many people were eating lunch yet.) and we got a really nice waiter.  We decided on the the Philly Cheese Steak sandwich and fries.  The Philly Cheese Steak sandwich is supposed to have thinly sliced rib eye steak on it and I was a little disappointed in the amount they put on it...there was more cheese than meat so I probably wouldn't get that sandwich again if we go back.  Tom's had more meat on it but it was because he asked for no mushrooms.  We were definitely FULL by the time we left though...if you are looking for a lot of food for a really low price, Cheddars is the place.  The taste was good too...it just wasn't made the way I wanted it.

We took my car home after that, got the truck, and headed to the base because they have some really good unique items that I wanted to look at for Mom and Carol.  I found those as soon as I walked in so that was two off my list.  I found Daryl's in several different stores.  8-)  I found one of Tom's while we were out but would have to order online because they didn't carry the exact one he wanted.  When we got home, we realized that one thing we bought wasn't what we thought it was so we headed back to Walmart to return it.  By the time we got home, we'd been going for about 9 hours.  Suffice it to say, I was one beat puppy when we got home. 

Christmas shopping is a lot of work but also a lot of fun.  Always trying to decide if what you see if the 'right' gift and if they'll see it the way you do when they get it.  Wondering if it will just be something else that gets shoved in a closet and never looked at again.  I think the main purpose is just to let them know you are thinking about them during the holidays. 

Hope everyone is having a great day today.  I am going to recover from yesterday and mostly relax today.  8-)

All About Time

So...here we are...ready to shop for Christmas presents again.  It's almost Christmas Time.

This year has absolutely FLOWN by. 

I can remember being a child and wishing my life away.  I wanted to be 13 so I would be a 'teenager'.  I wanted to be 18 so I could move out and live on my own.  (I was an idiot...why would I want to give up lack of responsibility and free room and board?)  I wanted to be 21 so I would be considered a 'legal' adult.  Time passes so SLOWLY when you are young.  I thought those 'milestones' would never arrive.

Next thing I know, I'm wanting to put the brakes on and slow time down.  I didn't want to turn THIRTY.  That was almost dead in my head.  I literally went into a deep dark depression for my thirtieth birthday.  My sister sent me black balloons for that birthday...(Nice, Carol).  I imagined all my cells were dying and I had one foot in the grave.  (Still an idiot)

Then I had my son.  I wanted to see him walk, talk, start school, grow up.  (Again with the rushing time thing...still an idiot.) 

Now, I just want it to slow down.  I want time to really get to know my family and let them get to know me.  I want to understand how my son's head works and get to know him better than I do right now.  I don't want work to be the focus of my life.  (In fact, if I could afford to retire this next year in June, I would do so but I have bigger plans for our retirement so I will keep working for about 3-4 more years, which, according to our accountant, should leave us sitting comfortably.)

One thing I have learned is that, during our retirement years, we are going to need to get some hobbies to keep from getting too housebound and driving each other crazy.  (I've learned this to be true during this 'housebound' time.)

Anyway, back to Christmas.  Carol invited me to be part of their group in Giftsters.  Yeah Mom for telling me about it and Yeah Carol for adding me!  I put what I wanted in there.  I want no more chemo and hair...I wonder if anyone can get those for me?  lol  I had a lot of fun looking at what everyone else wanted. 

I guess I'll have to come up with something else so Tom can get me something for Christmas...I just can't think of anything I need or want right now.  I mostly want him to be happy. 

Originally, I planned to go to Carol's this Christmas, before all this cancer stuff hit.  We were saving our vacation so we could go out there for a few days and visit with everyone but we'll have to wait until next year now.  Sigh.  BUT...as fast as time is flying, it will be here before I know it.

Hope everyone is having a great day!  (The picture still has a sunny look today, Sis.)

Romantic Stories and Not So Romantic Stories...

Sleepless in Seattle...absolutely my favorite romantic movie...

It's been a really busy work day today and in the background I had Sleepless in Seattle running.  I've probably seen it ten times but it always makes me go "Awww..." and grin and cry when Annie and Sam meet at the top of the Eiffel Tower on Valentine's Day.  Yeah, total chick flick. 

I am in the 'good week' after chemo.  Yeah!  I love this week.  All my energy is returning and this weekend I'm going to go Christmas shopping because it will be my last chance for this year.  The chemo is going to be stepped up from every three weeks to every two weeks so there won't really be any good weeks until January. 

The nice thing is...we're in the home stretch now.  4 more chemos, 11 more weeks and I should be back to being as good as I am right now.  (This is allowing for recovery time after the last chemo) 

I think my boss is becoming very impatient for me to get back to the office but the good news is that this is the time of year when we get a couple of days off for Thanksgiving and a few days off for Christmas so there will be less work days.  Before I started all this, he was used to me bouncing in and out of his office with ideas and solutions all day (every day, poor guy) and he doesn't have that right now.  He is also working on a proposal for one of the programs to try to fill my shoes as well as doing the 8 hour schedule training that he made me schedule last year for every couple of months.  (OK, I have to laugh at that one a little bit.  I didn't want to schedule all those in the future and he made me.)  I was just going to schedule them as we needed them but he was all "Put one in every couple of months." and I was thinking, if you give them more classes, they'll just wait until the last one to take it but "WHATEVER" and now here he is having to teach one on 3 December.  OK, I feel kinda bad that he has to teach the class but he could cancel it if he wanted to.

My sister is going to let me be in their 'Gifster' thingy.  That will be a fun distraction to see what everyone wants and if she remembers to give me access before this weekend, maybe I can figure out what Daryl wants before I go shopping.  Hello, Carol?  Don't forget about me.  8-)

Hope everyone is having a great day!  Thanks for all the prayers...they're STILL working.  8-)

Movies and Second Chances

On a more serious note...

I rewatched the movie "Dreamer" with Kurt Russell, Dakota Fanning, and Kris Kristofferson yesterday.  It was a movie about a horse and the ability of a family to beat impossible odds of winning the Breeder's Cup with a horse that had broken its leg.  It was a story of hope and belief in the impossible.  Of course, I cried at the end when the horse won the race and got to thinking about how being diagnosed with cancer used to mean a death sentence.  (Don't ask me how my mind works...it's a scary place in there.)

I am so thankful (grateful...amazed?...put in your own adjective here)  that it is no longer so. 

I am so thankful to live in a time when technology is so advanced that they can find cancer before it moves into other organs. 

I am so thankful to have a God who loves me enough to make sure they find it early and, even though I have to go through the chemo, that I can be a survivor of cancer and may be able to help others.

I am excited about the fact that I have this little experience to pass on to others.  I never really understood before why people would start cancer foundations or why Susan Komen was so interested in turning everything pink and making people aware of breast cancer.  I have this deeper understanding of that now.  It is a drive to make a difference after you've been given the chance to 'survive'.  I also understand why my sister's friend Kathy took the time to talk to me about her experience during my Dad's funeral when she found out I had been diagnosed with breast cancer.  I really appreciated her taking the time to talk to me.  I was hungry for information.   8-)

Uh oh...in rereading this, I can see that I've moved into my sappy stage of the chemo...sorry, guys...you have to take the bad with the good.  8-)

I also recently rewatched "The Bucket List".  Carol, it isn't so much about cancer and death as it is about friendship and the way that cancer changes people to the inner core of their being.  Other than the fact that I never really cared much for Jack Nicholson, since he's pretty foul in most all of his movies, it is still a good movie.  My favorite line in the movie is when he was on chemo and he had just finished throwing up and he gets up slowly and looks in the mirror and says, "Somewhere, some lucky guy is having a heart attack."  Priceless.  That sums up exactly how you feel as you go through the roughest stages of chemo.

Hope everyone is having a great day!  (Carol...it is sunshining here...mentally changing my picture.)

Rain Rain, Go Away

It's rainy out today. 

It was rainy out yesterday. 

I think winter is trying to creep in. 

Shadow was mad at me because I wouldn't open a window.  She was running around the house yeowling from window to window and literally attacking things.  (She is big enough to create havock when she wants to.)  I've created a monster.  Since I've been home, I open a window for her either in the office or the breakfast nook but I can't today because every window has water splashed on it so it would be raining in.  (I guess the wind is blowing the rain into the windows in different directions.)  I never open the living room windows which lead out to the patio (not really sure why) but I looked at the patio and it was dry for about 6 feet after the window so I finally opened one of those and she currently seems to be content.  (MUST HAVE PEACE)  Yeah, I spoiled my kids this way too.  lol

OK, back to Tom's jury duty.  So, he gets out to the jail and the sheriff leads them all around the facility, sleeping area (apparently it is like a dormatory), chow hall, laundry room, etc...you get the idea.  All the time, the sheriff is talking about how they don't have enough high security (single inmate) cells.  They built the jail about 6 years ago and at the time, they didn't need that many (I think Tom said they only have 1 if I remember right) but now I guess we have harder criminals in the area that need to be separated from the not so hard criminals.  (Yeah, that makes me feel safer here..HA)  Anyway, when he got back to the courthouse, the jurors had to fill out some report stating the conditions of the jail facilities.  I think the sheriff was wanting them to go back and push for more single unit cells. 

The nice thing about yesterday is that he got to come home and have lunch with me so that was a nice break to my day.  I actually got to see a human being in the middle of the day and since it is someone I loved, that made it even better.  8-)

After they got back they also had to review 6 cases where the arresting officer brings in his reasons why he thinks the prisoner should be taken to trial and the jury decides whether the case will go to trial or not.  Tom said it was all very interesting and enjoyed the break from the 'normal' workday but wouldn't want to do it for a living.  Oh yeah, and on top of all that, they paid him $11.  10 dollars for jury duty and a dollar for gas.  It absolutely cracked me up.  They said that it has been that same amount for years and years and supposedly have tried to increase the amount paid to the jurors but it has never been approved.  Good thing he gets paid by his company for his jury duty also...lol...we would hate to try to live on $11. 

Hope everyone is having a great day!  Now that there is cat peace in my house, I know I will.  8-)

Eating Out and Jury Duty

Yesterday's post generated some good comments for 'safely' eating out...thanks for those, Carol!  I would never have thought of all that.  (Must have something to do with your job that you know all that information...wow.)  Other than Thai on Friday nights (and an occasional pizza) we don't get any food from anyone else.  I've been way to scared of whoever is fixing them having a cold (or something worse) and spreading the germs to my food.  Then, as you brought up, the plates and utensils could be problematic.  I've been in restaurants so many times and seen dried food on the utensils that I don't even trust their dish washing capabilities.  Even before chemo treatments, I wouldn't eat with those conditions. (Yeah...even pre-cancer, I was a bit OCD.  Whatever...)  I'll have to print out that comment to remember it all.  8-)  Can't you just see me putting it into list format and checking each one off....

Use Clorox wipes.

No real dishes.

No salads.

Grilled meats OK

Baked potatoes OK.

Hot vegetables OK.

No mexican food (Especially refried beans and rice)

NO sushi.

If you must eat asian foods, only hot asian food.

Avoid rice unless they use vinegar in it, or unless it's fresh and hot. (Yeah, this one is too many questions for the waiter...I'll just avoid the rice)

No reheated foods.  (And they are going to tell me they reheated it?)

Don't eat at holes in the wall or mom and pop places. (wow, you just put the small business people in jeopardy)

Be sure and breathe around other people unless they're coughing.  (Ok, I made myself laugh with this one.   Wait...I can't stop laughing now.)

Now, the funny part about yesterday, having said all that, is that we didn't even eat out.  We did get a Sam's, Wal-mart, and a Publix run before I said it was all I could take.  We had a really good time together though and found ourselves laughing about a lot of things which was good medicine for both of us.  We got the most delicious blackberries at Sam's.  They reminded me of the ones we used to pick out at my grandmother's.  They were exactly the right ripeness to just pick up and eat. 

Tom has jury duty today.  He called and told me that he has been selected to be part of the grand jury.  I'm like, "What does that mean?"  He explains that even though he has been selected to be part of the grand jury, they haven't had anything for a grand jury to do except for twice in twenty years.  BUT IT GETS BETTER THAN THIS...they just sent him over to the JAILS (yup, I said jails) to inspect them and make sure they are acceptable for prisoners.  I thought, "Hmmm...does he just tell them that he wouldn't stay there if it were up to him?"  What does 'inspect' really mean?  White glove inspection?  Food inspection?  Make sure the toilets flush?  I can't wait to find out.  Well, I guess we really are in Alabama.  8-)  Where else would a juror do a jail inspection?

Angel and a Devil on my Shoulders

Today is a kind of an emotional 'down' day so I told Tom that we should actually get out today even though I am in 'Nadir'.  I probably won't have much energy but I need to get out and do something productive.

Then, in my usual fashion, I changed my mind. 

Then, in my usual fashion, I changed my mind back to going out.

Somehow, we (Tom and I) were discussing this changing of the mind that I go through all the time and I said, "Oh, poor you, I just torment you all the time, don't I?"

He replies with, "You don't torment me ALL the time."

Yeah...we got a good laugh out of that one.

Of course he followed up with, "I would be tormented if I were alone."  (Yeah, I can hear you all going 'awwww' out there.)  Of course, I said, "awwww...."

When I know I am supposed to be good and say home because I could so easily catch every little germ that is flying around out there...I usually stay home but I'M TIRED OF STAYING HOME.  I feel like being a 'bad' girl and just throwing myself out there in the mix.  I know some might say "Trust God, he'll protect you."   But then there is a part of me that says, "God gave me the wisdom to stay home so why don't I do that?"  Hence all the vacillating that goes on in my head about leaving the house when I'm in Nadir.  Of course, every other bad thing I've done in my life began with this same type of vacillation.  You know the old story of the demon on one shoulder and the angel on the other.  I definitely have one of each and they loooove to talk.

There are two things I know for sure: I know my husband needs to get out of here with me and I know that I need to get out so that I don't sit around in the doldrums.

Hope everyone out there is having as good a day as I'm going to have...'cause I'm heading out.  8-)  That little devil on my shoulder just won the toss.

The Two Day Blog...

I started this part of the blog  yesterday...didn't get done with it after the MRI as I had originally planned...oops.

Nov 12, 2010

Tom is getting some major dental work done today.  They pulled out one of his teeth years and years ago and our current dentist thinks it would be good for him to have a bridge over that gap.  Today they make a temporary and send off a mold of the temporary to make the real one.  (Not sure if we have this process correct but that is what Tom thinks they are going to be doing.)  That is going to take the dentist and his crew about 4 hours to do.  Then Tom runs home and grabs me to go get my MRI done.  Really looking forward to that (NOT).  Luckily, they will be giving me some happy juice so that I don't care that I feel like I'm in a coffin while they are doing the MRI.  The headaches haven't been as bad with this chemo treatment but I am still having the double vision off and on.  Maybe they can get to the bottom of all that with the MRI.

Nov 13, 2010...Day after the MRI...

Ativan is your friend.  8-) 

We got to the Cancer Center yesterday and waited for about 45 minutes to get called back to get the MRI done.  When I got back there, they gave me a shot of ativan to help me with my claustrophobia.  NICE STUFF.  They could have chopped off my head instead of doing an MRI and I really wouldn't have cared.  I asked her in my wonderful slurred speech how the pictures came out.  She said, "I got some really good pictures."  I asked her, "Can't you tell me more than that?  She said "Nope...you need to talk to your doctor."  I told her I had to try anyway...

Today is a quiet day and it is nice to have Tom home for company.  I'm not supposed to go out in the world this weekend since I'm in 'Nadir' but I am thinking of making a Sam's run anyway later today.  I've finished my morning computer stuff, done the treadmill and need to make lunch but after that it's pretty much wide open.

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Caretakers

Today I have been thinking about spouses (or any caretaker) of cancer patients.

I have moaned and groaned in this blog about what I go through but equally important is the side of the coin that a cancer patient's caretaker is on.

Tom has watched me go through two surgeries, the recovery from those surgeries (believe it or not, the port installation was the worst to recover from), the tears, the frustrations, the confusion and through it all he has been amazing.  Now, I won't say he hasn't lost patience with me.  HA!  I would test the patience of Job when I am in my mean chemo drunk stage.  But, somehow, he has come out of the other side of this first chemotherapy still loving me.  8-)  That is amazing.

My view of the person who supports is that they have to understand that while THEY think the cancer patient should have some control over their frustrations and emotions, they really do and they really don't.  They don't before they get a handle on it all but they should (to some degree) after they get a better handle on it.  It has taken Tom and I four chemo treatments to get this down to an art.  We've made it look easy this time around but it took much restraint on both our parts to get through this without the usual emotional upheaval.  We are like feeders off of each other.  One has a reaction and the other reacts to the reaction.

One thing to keep in mind (on my blog) about the Taxotere treatments is that I took the heavy dose of Taxotere treatments every three weeks instead of the light dose every week.  This caused more extreme effects than the other way would have but I felt that I would have more good days than bad this way.  Neither my husband nor I could take off so much time from work to get the treatments every week.  There were a lot of factors that made me choose this way. 

Here is a list of items that the caretaker (or the cancer patient) should do to make the treatments easier (I'm certainly not saying they will be easy but this will ease some of the pain and frustration):

1. When I start feeling out of control and about to say something mean to Tom, I move to another area of the house.  Or maybe the caretaker should move.  You can do it either way but they can't read your mind so it will probably be you that should move BEFORE you say anything.  (OH, and good luck with that...sometimes, it seems like I won't feel better until I say it.  That is the mean chemo drunk in me.  I have found that there is really a not so nice side to me that kind of embarrasses me.)  I probably saved 5 or 6 arguments by doing this after the 4th chemo treatment.

2.  When I start feeling depressed and like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat, I watch something on TV that would normally make me laugh really hard.  We chose to watch  "Everybody Loves Raymond" during my normally severe depression time.  I did find that I didn't laugh as much at it as I would have off of chemo but I wasn't sitting around crying either.  Big improvement.

3.  The caretaker should give massages in areas where cancer patient hurts.  Wow.  If I had known this during the first treatment, it probably would have saved a lot of heartache (and body aches).  Now that he is massaging my shoulders to get the kinks out of them, I am not as grouchy or depressed.  I had tried all kinds of heat and ice and used the tens unit to get the pain to go away but all it really takes is him massaging me for maybe 5 minutes and I'm good to go.  I also think this is good for the caretaker because now they feel that they are doing something that actually makes the cancer persons life better.  There is nothing as bad as feeling helpless when someone you love is in pain.

4.  Start a blog!  This blog has been a great outlet for me vent, cry, laugh, and just hear general support comments from my family (which tells me that I am not alone out here).

5. Take all the recommended medications to relieve the effects of the chemo before the effects hit you.  This isn't the time to be tough and just 'weather through' the chemo treatment ill effects.  Take the nausea medicine, take the laxatives, take the pain medicines (if they are prescribed), take the sleeping pills.  Whatever is offered to get you through this poison...TAKE IT.  Like my doctor told me when I asked for help sleeping..."You  have breast cancer, you can have ANY drugs you want."  Cool, huh?

6.  The caretaker should help as much as possible to keep the house clean smelling.  Chemo causes the cancer patient to have an enhanced sense of smell.  For me...since I already had a very enhanced sense of smell this has been extremely annoying.  Suffice it to say, ALL smells are captured during chemo.  Things that smelled good before chemo could smell bad after chemo which is why they suggest you don't use fabric softener or fragrance filled laundry detergent.  I always make sure that right before my chemo treatment that I clean the house extremely well so that there won't be any odors to annoy me.

7.  Try to do nice things for your caretaker when you are feeling able to do so.  It is important that they still feel loved and cared for too!  I try to make sure that I do a majority of the house cleaning myself so he doesn't feel like he goes to work and then comes home and works all the time.  He needs down time as much or maybe even more than I do.  (We let the cleaning people go when I started staying home all the time because I didn't feel like dealing with anyone else in the house when I am here and there wasn't any reason I couldn't do my own house cleaning right now.  No one does it as good as I do anyway (Except maybe Tom)...HA)

8.  Laugh at yourself.  God gave us a sense of humor for a reason.  When you're crying...sit there and think how ridiculous this emotion is and how much you have to be thankful for.  Yeah, that one isn't easy but it sure did get me through a lot of rough times.  Sometimes, I'd just go to the mirror and look at my little bald head and get a good laugh.

9.  Speaking of bald heads...don't let it get to you.  Your hair is gonna grow back in.  Of course, I had this irrational fear that it wouldn't at one point, but the doctor has assured me that it does.  8-)  Paranoia can really take over during chemo.

10.  If you don't have them, get an electric blanket, long johns, and something to cover your head when you sleep prior to your first treatment.  Hot and cold 'core' body temperatures are extreme when you start going through your treatments.  When your red cells drop, you're going to be cold a lot (about 5-7 days after the treatment).  As your estrogen is depleted (and it will be totally) then you get those wonderful hot flashes that cause you to throw the covers off of you and want to rip off all your clothes.  Dress in layers...even in bed.  You're gonna be putting it on and taking it off all day and night.  lol  Tom and I laugh a lot about this.

11.  Revel....Stand in AWE of the good days.  You and your caretaker will have them...I promise.

Meditating? Maybe...

Yesterday was just a blur. 

Work was busy and exhausting, so I decided to shut my little eyes at 4 and get some rest.

The phone rang almost as soon as I shut them.  Ugh.  I look at the caller ID...it isn't a number I know but something in the back of my mind told me I should answer it.

As it turned out, it was the Boeing Wellness group with my phone call addressing my stress levels.  OH yeah. I remembered after they told me so I worked on losing the 'annoyed' tone in my voice. 

She asked me what I was doing currently to relieve my stress and I told her about the blog and she got all excited because that was one of the things on her list that she was supposed to suggest to me. 

Another thing on her list was gardening. (Yeah...that's not gonna happen.) 

She ran through the list of things like, watching movies (do that), walking (do that), support system of friends and family (do that) and then she brought up meditation.  I tried to picture myself sitting in the 'lotus position' and going 'hmmm' several times a day.  Wow...I couldn't really see me sitting still for several times a day and doing anything that equates to doing NOTHING.  Even watching TV is interrupted frequently for whatever reason pops into my head while doing so.  But, I had to give her something for her trouble of calling so I said, "Sure...I'll try the meditation thing."  (I could tell she was feeling a little discouraged that she couldn't find anything new for me to do and I didn't want to be a difficult customer.)

She is leading me to the website where it is located and all of a sudden I feel someone grabbing my head.  I screamed VERY LOUDLY because there wasn't supposed to someone in the house.  All of a sudden I realized that the person grabbing my head was also kissing the top of it and it was Tom, who had just gotten home from work.  The poor woman on the phone (as I'm profusely apologizing) says, "Someone is a little jumpy, huh?"  Well, DUH.  I lost track of time and NOBODY was supposed to be in the house. 

Anyway, after I got off the phone, I tried one of the meditation directions.  It kept making me yawn out of pure boredom.  Of course, I guess if you're bored, you can't be stressed too much, huh?  I made it through the first sixty seconds...I might listen to a couple of minutes sometime today if I can find the time.  8-)  I am supposed to give her feedback on it next time we talk....ugh.

(For anyone that is interested in meditating, the website is http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22.) 

Moving Right Along

I went into this chemo treatment with a brand new mindset.  I decided I was going to stay as 'positive' and upbeat as I possibly could during the first few days so that maybe it would lessen the spousal abuse that comes from the treatments. 

This worked to a great degree, I think...you'd have to ask my husband to get the real story, I would guess. (Since this is only my perspective which may be a little skewed.  HA!)

Of course, this is the last of the taxotere treatments so that may have something to do with my ability to fight off the depression and frustration that comes with each treatment.  I was talking to my sister this morning and she said that her husband (who has also been battling cancer for several years) would make the statement to the effect of "Why is everyone else so annoying when I am on chemo?" which explains EXACTLY how I feel during the first few days after treatment.  It is like everyone looks for the last nerve that I have left and they take a sledgehammer to it.  LOL  We don't think it is us...we think EVERYONE ELSE is the problem.  It really is funny after it is over and you look back at it but not so much when you're going through it.  Probably not so funny, even after it is over, to the spouses.  :-}

I was having the usual neck pain yesterday that has tormented me since the beginning of chemo.  Yeah, this wasn't anyone being a pain in the neck...it was real neck pain.  I told my husband that I could see why people will pay $60 for a massage while they are going through chemo.  He said he would give me one for free so we proceeded back to the bedroom so I could lay down and he could try to relieve my pain.  WOW...what a difference.  It took my grumpiness totally away.  So, every couple of hours, he would massage my shoulders to give me relief.  I tried to tell him that he needed to stay home from work today and just give me massages all day.  (This is the first relief I've had from neck pain in months.)  But, alas, he had to go into work and I will just be waiting here like a drug addict to get my massage when he gets home....LOL.

Another thing that is a bit of work, because of the chemo, is laundry.  I have to wash all our clothes separately because if I wash them together then he could end up with my chemo on his clothes which would transfer to his body when he wears them.  I have to wash sheets and towels separately as well.  This was one of the first things they cautioned us about.  I also clean off any furniture that I sit on, he can't use the same bathroom...the list goes on and on.  So far, the precautions are working really well. 

I get to chat a lot more with my Mom and my Sister because I work from home now.  I think we are all enjoying this ability and it will be sad when I get thrown back into the hectic pace of the office and am unable to contact them so much anymore.  But for now, I am enjoying the contact and I know they are a lot busier than I am so I try not to be too needy. 8-)

When all this is over, I would really like to take what I've learned from this experience and help others that are going through it.  I'm not sure how yet, but I think I could make a difference to those that are suffering.  It's funny...others have offered to help in any way possible and I'm not good at asking for help or even taking it when offered but I love giving it.  I had a friend tell me that she thought I might be going through this so I could help someone else down the road.  I guess like the "Pay It Forward" theory.  It would be good if there were a purpose to all this.  8-)  I'm not sure doing the coffee cart at the cancer center would be enough...I could care less about the coffee cart when they bring it around but the conversation of hope that I got from the coffee cart lady (Lauren) was immeasurable so maybe helping with the coffee cart isn't so much about the food stuffs but the reaching out.  I could do that but would everyone that is going through chemo going to be receptive to my prattling about my experiences?  I'll continue to muddle through these thought processes and maybe in 11 weeks, when this is all over, I'll have an answer.  Pray for God to open a door where I can serve with the knowledge I've obtained. 

Second Day After Chemo

Tom went into work today so that he could make up the time that he missed while taking me to get Chemo on Thursday.  Bless his heart.  I hate that he is having to work odd hours for me.

I figured that since he is having to work, (besides the fact that I needed to move my car since it hadn't been driven in a month) that I would tackle our shopping today by myself.

The first thing I realized is that I hadn't put any gasoline in my car since I was diagnosed with cancer in July.  Yeah, that's right...JULY.  Needless to say, my little car turned its "I NEED GAS" light on first thing.

I pulled into the gas station and couldn't remember how to get my gas cap open.  I knew there was a button to push or pull somewhere on my car but for the life of me, I couldn't find it.  Now in defense of my chemo brain....I had just bought the car in May and haven't really driven it since July.  So, I pulled out the owner's manual and went in search of the release for the gas cap.  I finally found it and got the tank filled up.  (It was in a really strange spot...my Solara had it on the floor of the car and all I had to do was pull it up...this one was a button nearly hidden to the left of the steering wheel...way low where you had to bend down to see it...ridiculous!)  I was really missing my Tom during that mess.

Then I finally got to move on to Wal-Mart.  Now...Tom is usually my brain anchor while I'm on this Chemo.  I don't even think he realizes it.  If I'm feeling disoriented because I can't remember something, I'll prod him to help me remember.  Today, I was walking around trying to remember where I was headed most of the time that I was in the store.  I had a list but there were a couple of things I thought of (when I walked in) that I wanted to look at that weren't on the list.  I never did get those done.  (Whatever they were...lol)  I mean you have to imagine the Attention Deficit Disorder that comes from Chemo Brain.  You're walking in the door and you see the sign "Pharmacy" which is near the beauty stuff.  So you think, oh...I need a new lipstick because mine is almost empty and then you look to your right and you see housewares and you think of something else that you might look at really quick and then you are trying to remember what your original idea was (which was the lipstick) but for the life of you, that brain cell is hiding somewhere and it is never to be found again.  This goes on the entire time I'm in the store.  All I can say is that I DID get everything that was on the list.  HA!!  Lists are my friends.  8-)

Also...I had this buggy that was just driving me over the edge.  It was like it either had a flat (spin, thump, spin, thump, spin thump) or something was stuck on one of the wheels.  I drove that thing all over the store and when I got to the food section, where I was looking for this particular type of jello that I like, and had run the gambit of the aisles looking for it (to no avail), that I decided that I needed to make one more sweep of the aisles but NOT WITH THAT BUGGY.  I proceeded to the front of the store and tested a new buggy and transferred my goods to it and then went happily on my way to find the rest of the stuff I needed in the grocery department.  Funny how much easier it was to think without that 'spin, thump, spin, thump, spin, thump' following me around.  I even remembered that I needed socks and ran over to the women's department and found some.

When I left to come home, I turned on my GPS because I knew that I'd never find my way out of the parking lot without it.  I finally made my way to Hwy 72 and headed home.  This great sense of relief and accomplishment hit all at once.  The simple things that I took for granted in the past have become huge and monumental accomplishments.  I can't wait until I start taking it all for granted again.  8-)  But for now, it is a good day to be me AND to be alive.  8-)  In spite of all the confusion and frustration, I enjoyed taking a little time to myself outside of the house.

Stubborn Cat

Yeah...another cat story.  

So, we got chill mats for our computers to cool off the CPUs.  I wanted it because Shadow likes to block the outlet to the fan on the bottom of the computer because she likes to get the heat from it.  She is absolutely the most stubborn cat I have ever seen.  Here is her solution to my putting the computer up higher on top of the chill mat.

So...I push her off and she sneaks back up to this position.

The day after my taxotere chemo treatment is going well.  I have the usual flushed cheeks from the allergic reaction to the chemo and I'm still bouncing around on steroids so today is a pretty good day.  Work has been hectic today and I've got to go back and get busy but I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm doing OK today. 

Hope everyone out there in the real world is having a great day!  8-)

In The Chair Again

I got Kendra as my nurse again for my chemo today...YEAH!! I am in chair number six. That is a higher number chair than last time for whatever that is worth.  It just makes me feel 'more special' if I have a number closer to number 1...HA.  This is my last taxotere treatment. It took FOREVER to see the doctor this morning. He saw eight patients before he even got to me. My appointment was for eight forty and I didn't see him until nine fifty.

This really nice lady named Lauren was helping with the food cart today. (They bring snacks and drinks around to us if we want them during chemo.) She had really short hair and she shared with me that she had just completed her chemo treatments for breast cancer.  She really gave me hope when I looked at her and all that hair she had on her head.  I have the nightmares of never being able to grow hair again after this is over.  It's silly, I know but I really don't have a lot of control over my dreams at night...lol.  I guess they often express some of our deepest fears and fantasies that go on in our subconscious.  (Yeah, I'm not going down the fantasy road in this blog world.  You're welcome...LOL)

I told the doctor about my double vision and he has ordered an MRI for next week. I hate that I am claustrophobic and will need medicine for them to stick me in that machine so Tom will have to drive me. This means more time away from work for him.  If I could do it without him, I certainly would.

I know exactly what to expect now for the next three weeks, and it's funny, but it doesn't make it any easier.  I really think it should but it doesn't.  In fact, I am just about a basket case because I do know what to expect. I just keep my mantra going..."God is in Control...God Loves me...God is in Control...God Loves me."

I have my first AC chemo treatment the day before Thanksgiving. My husband says we will celebrate Thanksgiving after this is all over in February. I am good with that. I guess we may as well wait until then for Christmas and the New Year too. HA!!

I am back home now.  All went well at the Cancer Center.  Taxotere is now complete except for the crying...HA!  That means that in 11 weeks, I should be complete with all the chemo and then in thirteen weeks I will start healing from it all.  I am REALLY looking forward to the healing process.  8-)

I got home and there were all these TO-DOs in my mailbox from work.  I wrote my boss and told him I would get right on it and he said, "Don't tax yourself, now."  All I could think was, "Then quit giving me all this work if you don't want me to tax myself."  Wow...amazing.  He knows I am compelled do work if it is passed down to me.  WHATEVER.

Tom took me, sat with me through the treatment and took me home afterword.  He is such a sweetie to give up his personal time like this for me.  I told him that I thought I could drive myself to these for the Taxotere but he really seems to want to be there for me. 

It isn't a bad day today except for the stress of it all.  Thanks everyone for all the love and prayers.  It means more to me than you can ever imagine.  8-)

Remembrances of People I Love

I have a card (that a pastor from our old church in Navarre gave me) stuck to the door on the hutch to my desk.  (It actually is in a sleeve that you can stick to things.  The glue is pretty much worn out on the back of the sleeve, but I have it wedged in between the glass and wood of the hutch door.)  Of course, it is a bible verse (what else would Pastor Moritz have given me?).  It says, "Trust in Him at all times, ye people; pour out your heart before Him.  God is a refuge for us."  It comes from Psalm 62:8.  Under it it says "A reminder from Bob and Shirley Moritz".  It's been up there for probably 7 years.  When I am feeling tossed about and out of control, I find myself reading that and getting comfort. 

We never know how the things that we give to others might help them from one time to the  next.  I am not usually a keeper of 'things' but every once in a while I get a nugget like that one that feeds my soul and lifts my spirit. 

I also have a picture of my son, from when he was about 12, wedged into the other door to the hutch.  He has the largest, sweetest eyes and a precious grin on his face.  I love to look at that picture and remember when he was smaller and needed me in the way that only children need their moms.  He never went through the terrible teens.  He was always a quiet child as though he was thinking about things before he would ever speak.  Don't get me wrong...he wasn't perfect and he is making some of the usual mistakes in adulthood that I made but that's ok.  He has to learn from his own mistakes.  I know that I certainly learned from mine.  8-)

He wanted to come home and take care of me when I was first diagnosed but I had to explain to him that this was going to go on for months...there was no way he could come and stay that long.  I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to though.  He sends me a text message about every other day asking how I am.  He has a good heart. 

We had a psychologist tell us once that a child's brain isn't fully developed until it is 25.  I believe that to be true.  We have seen a great increase in maturity in our son this year.  He just turned 25 in August.

I have other things that I enjoy that people have given me as well.  Mom mom gives me the most unique gifts.  My house is filled with them but one in particular that I see everyday is a little turtle that states on the underside of its shell that it is from the Loose Neck Collection.  Here is a picture of it since there is no way I can explain it very clearly.  When you touch it's head, it wobbles around.  Very cute and colorful (like my Mom).

My sister gave me a gift of two girl statues (many years ago) and when you put them together, they are holding hands.  A representation of she and I.  (See Carol, I got the symbolism...lol)  She is the one whose hands are on the outside because she had to always be in charge.  8-)  I guess older sisters are just like that.  I look at these figurines and think of her often.

My son, mom, and sister are living in different states so I don't see them often and I like to have these little reminders of them sitting around where I can reflect on the way our lives have been woven together and apart over the years.  They are all little reminders that I am loved.  8-)

I have many gifts from my husband but the best one is his heart.  He continues to give daily with that gift.  I am truly thankful for all our years together.  There is no one in the world that I would rather have by my side with all the struggles that we are currently facing.

Starbuck's Habit

I told Tom not to get me Starbuck's Coffee this morning.  I've been getting Starbuck's every morning (during the work week) for over three years now.  It is a comfort food because it is flavorful and creamy and just plain old yummy.  I don't really need it though.  I have found in my life that I get into habits (some good and some bad) and I can always break them and move on.  Sometimes it is painful and sometimes it is just a redirecting of my thought processes.

Of course, he sends me an email saying how strange it was for him not to get me Starbuck's this morning.  (He's been doing that while I am going through Chemo treatments and working from home.)  He's not worried about me not having it so much as he is scared for the cat, he states, "If I find a cat, torn to shreds, with fur all over the house, I will know that I should have gotten you Starbucks this morning."  Funny guy.  I will have everyone know that the cat is currently sitting in front of the office window enjoying watching the birds.  I haven't laid a hand on her.  

Of course, the day is early yet...(Muwah hah hah)

Another Fine Day

Today was another fine day.  We watched Everybody Loves Raymond while we ate lunch and we got the curtains hung (finally).  They make the room much more cozy.  Below is a picture of the finished product. 

You can also see in this picture that I haven't killed Dub's funeral plant yet.  See...miracles do happen.  HA!

I really enjoyed the grocery store this afternoon.  I got to pick out fruits that I wanted.  I am very much a whimsical fruit shopper.  It is hard for me to say, "Pick me up 4 pears" if I don't know if their pears look good for that particular day.  Buying peaches is all about smell to me.  If they don't smell like peaches, I don't want them.  Apples, anyone can buy.  You just make sure they aren't beat up but I'm not so crazy about apples.  Grapes are easy so I've had a lot of grapes lately.  We got some Talapia to cook for tonight as well as all the other food we would need for the next few days. 

I've been having some double vision I need to ask the doctor about.  It comes and goes and just started last night.  This is the first time this has happened and I'm not really sure it is the chemo since it should be all out of my system by now.  I've had a lot of headaches and now this double vision...kinda weird.  I am beginning to feel like a hypochondriac with all these complaints...lol.  I'm just 'journaling' it in this blog so that I remember when it happened.

Not much else going on here today.  Hope everyone is having a great day!

Out in the World...

I am out in the WORLD!

We are zipping down the highway and the sun is shining and the air is crisp...my husband is yelling at the idiots...it just doesn't get any better than this.

I love technology...here we are driving along and I get to blog at the same time.

We are headed to Target to use my fifty dollar gift card towards a new curtain rod for the living room. I got the gift card from Boeing for taking the wellness survey. We'll probably go to Walmart and then Publix after Target. I know this doesn't sound like much to you guys but I've been stuck in the house for fifteen days. I'm bustin' out...breakin' free...runnin' loose...well, you get the picture.

We are almost there. I will get back to you guys later.

LATER...MUCH LATER...

So...we made it to Target and after a couple of hours there, I felt like a whipped dog.  I found a couple of new hats to wear, a new scarf, the curtain rod I actually went after and a couple of computer games for almost nothing.   Tom found some new sneakers, a computer game that he liked, and we both found a LAP Chill Mat for our computers since they seem to get so hot lately.  (I guess we're just burning them up playing Farmville...HA!)  I think mine is hot because Shadow insists on laying right next to the place where the fan cools it off.  I swear she just lays there and intentionally blocks the outlet.  I love her more than the computer so I usually don't say anything.  She IS 63 in human years so I know it just must feel good to her old bones.

We went on to Walmart and then we were going to go to Publix but after 4 hours out on the town I didn't have anything left to give.  We came on home instead of doing Publix and I made some vegetable soup for us and I feel much better now.  Maybe we will do Publix tomorrow. So much for all that ZIP I had when I started out...LOL.

It's been a really fun day today and we have nacho chips planned for supper tonight so that will be an easy fix.  8-)

I would usually have had my hair/nail appointment today but I had to let Nancy know that there wasn't anything left of my nails to work on.  The chemo has really attacked them this round and both toes and fingers are painful so I guess until all this is over, I don't get to have my fun with Nancy.  She is such a sweetheart.  I apologized to her for not being able to keep the appointment and she said not to be sorry to her.   She felt bad that I was in pain.  I just love that girl.  I hope she'll still have time to work on my hair and nails when I get them all back.

That's about it for now...Hope everyone else is having a great day too!!

The Good Week

So, this what I call "The Good Week". 

This is the third week after chemo.  It is obvious that my white and red cells have regenerated.  My energy level is up and my desire to live has risen as well.  Tom is home today and we've been spring cleaning (even though it is fall) because my allergies have been so bad and because it just needs to be done. 

Since the new curtains have arrived, we also cleaned the living room windows and blinds.  All the windows need cleaning but my energy only goes so far.  HA!  When we're done, all the furniture will be dusted and the floors cleaned.  I always feel so much better when I at least get that much cleaned.  (Yeah, I still have a bit of 'must be clean' phobia...but that's not really so bad, is it?)

Tom is so tolerant of my wants...I say, "Would you like to clean the outside of the living room windows?" and he honestly replies, "No...but I will if that is what you want me to do."   I just adore this guy.   Of course, it isn't enough that he does it, he has to do it MY way.  8-)  Over the years, he has learned this and patiently waits for me to direct.  He has a mind of his own, believe me, but he does pick his battles.  8-)  Of course, sometimes, he forges on with what he THINKS I want done and sometimes I bite my tongue and sometimes I tell him what I really want him to do.  This has always been a sore point between us and I try to bite my tongue more often than not.  During the third week after chemo it is pretty safe for him to forge on because I am actually able to bite my tongue and let him.  Week one or week two after chemo...nope...not so much.  No real control during those weeks so we don't plan on doing much 'together' during that time.  I pretty much hole up as far away from him as I can get so I don't do irreparable damage to our relationship.  He is my life.  I would really HATE to run him off.

This is Thaiday Friday.  Which means it's Friday and we eat Thai tonight.  I'll actually get to taste it this week.  Tomorrow we are going shopping and that will be a fun day.  I still need to find the curtain rod that will fit the living room windows.  We also need to get the regular stuff to survive next week with.  You know....the boring shopping of sundry items and groceries.  Not so boring to me right now.  I get to SEE PEOPLE out in the world.  WHOO WHOO!!  I always hated shopping before but now I just see it as an opportunity to get out of these four walls.

So, this is my Good Week.  I'm definitely going to make the most of it but at the same time follow all the 'clean' routines of washing my hands often and staying out of large congregations of people. 

Remember I talked about our change in health care for next year?  Along with the changes, we have a requirement to do a "Boeing Wellness" survey.  Once you complete the survey, they tell you where your health problems lie.  HA HA HA...I am rolling here.  My one really bad area is stress.  NO KIDDING.  So, I have to go through a 4 week program addressing my stressors.  First stress tip they give me "Be selfish.  No matter how busy you are, set aside at least a few minutes for yourself everyday."  They have no idea.  I am totally selfish right now...don't think that's gonna make a difference.  HA!  How do you get rid of the stressors of Cancer...yeah...they aren't really looking at us as individuals...we are just Dilbert numbers.  Cattle in a cattle feed line.  This is TOO FUNNY.

So, now I am going through the "Learning to react to life stressors in a healthy way" section.  Here are the strategies.

Eating a healthy diet and getting regular exercise and plenty of sleep.
Practicing relaxation techniques
Fostering healthy friendships
Having a sense of humor
Seeking professional counseling when needed

I've covered all of those except the last one.  Since this really is a short term stressor, I think I can make it without bringing in the professionals.  LOL

OK, enough prattling on for today. 

Hope everyone is having a great day!

Babbling...

Today is an overcast day outside but everything inside feels good.

I worked out on the treadmill for an hour this morning.  Got all my blood circulating through my body, encouraging it to regenerate the good cells that I need again so I can go fry them in a week.  HA!  It does leave me feeling like I have accomplished something today though and I think that is important.  Every day should have some kind of accomplishment to it.  Otherwise, why am I here?

Next week will be my last Taxotere chemo and I will be halfway done.  Yeah ME!

We finished eating our apple pie and ice cream last night and that was kinda sad.  While I complained that he didn't get the right kind of pie stuff...it turned out excellent anyway.  YEAH TOM!!  We're having a Mexican casserole tonight which will be yummy.  (See how I go from exercising right to food...HA!)  But no more dessert this week.  I don't want to totally sabotage all the weight we lost last year.

We had two terrible storms hit here yesterday.  (Yeah, I can't believe I'm talking about the weather either.)  They had tornado watches all afternoon and the kids got out of school for half a day.  (Can you believe they get out of school for storms??)  There are leaves and sticks all over the back yard today.  I thought I would put a picture of it in here, but you really can't see the leaves and sticks as much as I thought you would be able to.  I'll put the picture in anyway since I went to all the trouble to go out there and click the picture for you.  I think the leaves are hard to see because the grass is going brown too.  I am looking out my office window and I see the yellow and orange and brown leaves so clearly.  Yeah, I know...why don't I take a picture out of my office window.  Well, I didn't think of it, the batteries are dead, and now I'm too lazy to walk back to the bedroom closet and get more for it.  I'll save that for tomorrow's accomplishment!  HA!!

I was just thinking that this is so much like letter writing in the old days.  Just keeping in touch with what is going on in our lives.  Think about the amazement that might come from someone from the 1800's if they saw this technology.  They waited weeks for letters from loved ones and they rarely had pictures.  How blessed we are (and cursed sometimes, I think) to live in these times of technological advancement.

I was just chatting with a friend online and she was telling me she already has her Christmas shopping done but needs to wrap it all.  HOW WRONG IS THAT?  She was complaining about how she hates to wrap.  I told her I love to wrap...hate to shop.  She says she'll shop for me if I wrap for her.  Sounds like a cool deal except I haven't a clue what I am going to get people this year.  Everyone needs to send me an email with what they want this year.  (tnt1799@bellsouth.net)  That would be a fine thing to get done soon.  That would be a great accomplishment.  WELL, that would be a bit of a miracle...