Caretakers

Today I have been thinking about spouses (or any caretaker) of cancer patients.

I have moaned and groaned in this blog about what I go through but equally important is the side of the coin that a cancer patient's caretaker is on.

Tom has watched me go through two surgeries, the recovery from those surgeries (believe it or not, the port installation was the worst to recover from), the tears, the frustrations, the confusion and through it all he has been amazing.  Now, I won't say he hasn't lost patience with me.  HA!  I would test the patience of Job when I am in my mean chemo drunk stage.  But, somehow, he has come out of the other side of this first chemotherapy still loving me.  8-)  That is amazing.

My view of the person who supports is that they have to understand that while THEY think the cancer patient should have some control over their frustrations and emotions, they really do and they really don't.  They don't before they get a handle on it all but they should (to some degree) after they get a better handle on it.  It has taken Tom and I four chemo treatments to get this down to an art.  We've made it look easy this time around but it took much restraint on both our parts to get through this without the usual emotional upheaval.  We are like feeders off of each other.  One has a reaction and the other reacts to the reaction.

One thing to keep in mind (on my blog) about the Taxotere treatments is that I took the heavy dose of Taxotere treatments every three weeks instead of the light dose every week.  This caused more extreme effects than the other way would have but I felt that I would have more good days than bad this way.  Neither my husband nor I could take off so much time from work to get the treatments every week.  There were a lot of factors that made me choose this way. 

Here is a list of items that the caretaker (or the cancer patient) should do to make the treatments easier (I'm certainly not saying they will be easy but this will ease some of the pain and frustration):

1. When I start feeling out of control and about to say something mean to Tom, I move to another area of the house.  Or maybe the caretaker should move.  You can do it either way but they can't read your mind so it will probably be you that should move BEFORE you say anything.  (OH, and good luck with that...sometimes, it seems like I won't feel better until I say it.  That is the mean chemo drunk in me.  I have found that there is really a not so nice side to me that kind of embarrasses me.)  I probably saved 5 or 6 arguments by doing this after the 4th chemo treatment.

2.  When I start feeling depressed and like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat, I watch something on TV that would normally make me laugh really hard.  We chose to watch  "Everybody Loves Raymond" during my normally severe depression time.  I did find that I didn't laugh as much at it as I would have off of chemo but I wasn't sitting around crying either.  Big improvement.

3.  The caretaker should give massages in areas where cancer patient hurts.  Wow.  If I had known this during the first treatment, it probably would have saved a lot of heartache (and body aches).  Now that he is massaging my shoulders to get the kinks out of them, I am not as grouchy or depressed.  I had tried all kinds of heat and ice and used the tens unit to get the pain to go away but all it really takes is him massaging me for maybe 5 minutes and I'm good to go.  I also think this is good for the caretaker because now they feel that they are doing something that actually makes the cancer persons life better.  There is nothing as bad as feeling helpless when someone you love is in pain.

4.  Start a blog!  This blog has been a great outlet for me vent, cry, laugh, and just hear general support comments from my family (which tells me that I am not alone out here).

5. Take all the recommended medications to relieve the effects of the chemo before the effects hit you.  This isn't the time to be tough and just 'weather through' the chemo treatment ill effects.  Take the nausea medicine, take the laxatives, take the pain medicines (if they are prescribed), take the sleeping pills.  Whatever is offered to get you through this poison...TAKE IT.  Like my doctor told me when I asked for help sleeping..."You  have breast cancer, you can have ANY drugs you want."  Cool, huh?

6.  The caretaker should help as much as possible to keep the house clean smelling.  Chemo causes the cancer patient to have an enhanced sense of smell.  For me...since I already had a very enhanced sense of smell this has been extremely annoying.  Suffice it to say, ALL smells are captured during chemo.  Things that smelled good before chemo could smell bad after chemo which is why they suggest you don't use fabric softener or fragrance filled laundry detergent.  I always make sure that right before my chemo treatment that I clean the house extremely well so that there won't be any odors to annoy me.

7.  Try to do nice things for your caretaker when you are feeling able to do so.  It is important that they still feel loved and cared for too!  I try to make sure that I do a majority of the house cleaning myself so he doesn't feel like he goes to work and then comes home and works all the time.  He needs down time as much or maybe even more than I do.  (We let the cleaning people go when I started staying home all the time because I didn't feel like dealing with anyone else in the house when I am here and there wasn't any reason I couldn't do my own house cleaning right now.  No one does it as good as I do anyway (Except maybe Tom)...HA)

8.  Laugh at yourself.  God gave us a sense of humor for a reason.  When you're crying...sit there and think how ridiculous this emotion is and how much you have to be thankful for.  Yeah, that one isn't easy but it sure did get me through a lot of rough times.  Sometimes, I'd just go to the mirror and look at my little bald head and get a good laugh.

9.  Speaking of bald heads...don't let it get to you.  Your hair is gonna grow back in.  Of course, I had this irrational fear that it wouldn't at one point, but the doctor has assured me that it does.  8-)  Paranoia can really take over during chemo.

10.  If you don't have them, get an electric blanket, long johns, and something to cover your head when you sleep prior to your first treatment.  Hot and cold 'core' body temperatures are extreme when you start going through your treatments.  When your red cells drop, you're going to be cold a lot (about 5-7 days after the treatment).  As your estrogen is depleted (and it will be totally) then you get those wonderful hot flashes that cause you to throw the covers off of you and want to rip off all your clothes.  Dress in layers...even in bed.  You're gonna be putting it on and taking it off all day and night.  lol  Tom and I laugh a lot about this.

11.  Revel....Stand in AWE of the good days.  You and your caretaker will have them...I promise.