I think my husband wakes up every morning wondering "Is it a good day today?" Bless his heart. My emotions are all over the place.
I'll be sitting at my computer playing a game and he'll be sitting with his back to me (at his computer) and next thing he knows I am over here sobbing. He says, "Are you all right?" (complete confusion in his voice) and I just say "It's just the chemo crying...not to worry." I don't know why it makes me cry. I feel so thankful all the time for everything but sometimes it just takes over some part of my brain and leaves me sobbing.
For those of you that know me...I am a 'laughing' kind of person. (Just ask anyone at my Dad's viewing...I was the one inappropriately laughing during the entire thing...I honestly thought someone was going to kick me out and then I remembered that we were in charge and there wasn't anyone to kick me out.) I have this big laugh that I inherited from my grandmother that leaves its mark wherever I go. I have had bosses who moved me to offices near them and then, before too long, moved me down the hall because I laugh too loud. Ah well...there are worse things in life than an employee who laughs too much and too loudly...HA!
Of course, my sister might not think it is such a good thing. I tend to laugh in situations that make me uncomfortable and sad. One day, many years ago, she tells me about her cat that was sleeping peacefully in the dryer and one of her sons threw some tennis shoes in the dryer and turned it on (I know which one, but I won't tell here...lol). You can imagine the rest...very sad story...I should have been going "oh, poor kitty" and crying with her but nope...I'm LAUGHING so hard my sides hurt. I mean...it was a little bit of slapstick humor there...come on. I felt really bad after because (of course) she's about in tears and here I am laughing. Poor Carol...I've let her down in many ways over the years...but what are sisters for anyway? They have to take the bad parts of us and love us anyway, right?
I'm pretty sure I have gotten through the worst of the first Taxotere chemo treatment unless my white and red blood cells drop. I can take the crying jags...I mean...after all...it's only emotions. The bone pain was excruciating and really much worse than the crying jags. Of course, that was caused by the shot of Neulasta they gave me to produce 'good' white blood cells in my bone marrow. Those little white cells were just SCREAMING to get out of those bones...fighting each other...who knows what was really happening? The nausea was controlled with medication. My skin not growing new skin is kinda weird but I can live with the chapped feeling. (Yeah for lotion!) Sleeping for a couple of days was OK since I was sleeping at night even after I had slept all day. I can't stand to not be able to sleep at night. I'm always so afraid I'll be too tired the next day to survive all that has to be done.
All right...there is one more annoying thing...Chemo brain...what the heck is going on with that? So we all have moments where we leave one room and go into the next with a mission in mind. We get to that room and all of a sudden we don't remember what we were after. I did that before chemo brain...no big deal really...it was all laughable...my husband and I joked and laughed about it and were happy that we are growing old together and having the same problems. OK...so imagine this....I'm holding a pen to write something during a meeting...I take the cap off and try to write with the cap. Then I can't figure out why it isn't writing...I'm shaking the cap and pressing again....why won't it write? Pretty disturbing when I realize that it's the WRONG PART OF THE PEN...hello!!! It's like that all day long...wait...no wonder I'm over here crying. My stupid brain probably doesn't even remember the laugh thing....it just figures it would become an Olympic athlete at crying. HA!
Yeah, if you're still wondering, Tom, today is a good day...we have each other....8-) (I think I got the good end of the deal on that one.)