Saturday, September 11, 2010

Is it a good day today?

I think my husband wakes up every morning wondering "Is it a good day today?"  Bless his heart.  My emotions are all over the place.  

I'll be sitting at my computer playing a game and he'll be sitting with his back to me (at his computer) and next thing he knows I am over here sobbing.  He says, "Are you all right?" (complete confusion in his voice) and I just say "It's just the chemo crying...not to worry."  I don't know why it  makes me cry.  I feel so thankful all the time for everything but sometimes it just takes over some part of my brain and leaves me sobbing.  

For those of you that know me...I am a 'laughing' kind of person.  (Just ask anyone at my Dad's viewing...I was the one inappropriately laughing during the entire thing...I honestly thought someone was going to kick me out and then I remembered that we were in charge and there wasn't anyone to kick me out.)  I have this big laugh that I inherited from my grandmother that leaves its mark wherever I go.  I have had bosses who moved me to offices near them and then, before too long, moved me down the hall because I laugh too loud.  Ah well...there are worse things in life than an employee who laughs too much and too loudly...HA!  

Of course, my sister might not think it is such a good thing.  I tend to laugh in situations that make me uncomfortable and sad.  One day, many years ago, she tells me about her cat that was sleeping peacefully in the dryer and one of her sons threw some tennis shoes in the dryer and turned it on (I know which one, but I won't tell  You can imagine the rest...very sad story...I should have been going "oh, poor kitty" and crying with her but nope...I'm LAUGHING so hard my sides hurt.  I was a little bit of slapstick humor there...come on.  I felt really bad after because (of course) she's about in tears and here I am laughing.  Poor Carol...I've let her down in many ways over the years...but what are sisters for anyway? They have to take the bad parts of us and love us anyway, right?

I'm pretty sure I have gotten through the worst of the first Taxotere chemo treatment unless my white and red blood cells drop.  I can take the crying jags...I mean...after's only emotions.  The bone pain was excruciating and really much worse than the crying jags.  Of course, that was caused by the shot of Neulasta they gave me to produce 'good' white blood cells in my bone marrow.  Those little white cells were just SCREAMING to get out of those bones...fighting each other...who knows what was really happening?  The nausea was controlled with medication.  My skin not growing new skin is kinda weird but I can live with the chapped feeling.  (Yeah for lotion!)  Sleeping for a couple of days was OK since I was sleeping at night even after I had slept all day.  I can't stand to not be able to sleep at night.  I'm always so afraid I'll be too tired the next day to survive all that has to be done.  

All right...there is one more annoying thing...Chemo brain...what the heck is going on with that?  So we all have moments where we leave one room and go into the next with a mission in mind.  We get to that room and all of a sudden we don't remember what we were after.  I did that before chemo big deal was all husband and I joked and laughed about it and were happy that we are growing old together and having the same problems. imagine this....I'm holding a pen to write something during a meeting...I take the cap off and try to write with the cap.  Then I can't figure out why it isn't writing...I'm shaking the cap and pressing again....why won't it write?  Pretty disturbing when I realize that it's the WRONG PART OF THE PEN...hello!!!  It's like that all day wonder I'm over here crying.  My stupid brain probably doesn't even remember the laugh just figures it would become an Olympic athlete at crying.  HA!

Yeah, if you're still wondering, Tom, today is a good day...we have each other....8-)  (I think I got the good end of the deal on that one.)

Friday, September 10, 2010

Brain Dumping

I am not sure why I am starting this except that they say it will be good therapy and I'm not so sure that I want to talk to everyone about this so when you guys want to find out what is going on, I'll try to make posts to keep you up to date. There are several things to state right off the bat, I guess.

1. I am a Christian.
2. I am a Christian with a husband.
3. I am a Christian with cancer and a husband. (I was going to say with a husband and cancer but I didn't want to give the wrong idea where you might think it was the husband with had to come first so, here we are, already with a dilemma to perfection.)
4. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, and a lot of anger.
5. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, a lot of anger, and a lot of gratefulness. (yeah, that one is probably contradictory but there is where my brain is.) probably get the idea now and are sick of that little epithet. HA.

In the last two months (this all started with a routine physical at my local OB/GYN Drs office...hoorah - imagine a marine articulation of that word), I've had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my breast and 4 lymph nodes from under my arm and another one to insert a catheter port into my chest under my left clavicle I've been given one treatment of chemotherapy which of course I was allergic to and they had to dope me up with Benadryl and steroids to survive it without scratching all my skin off. I've cut all my hair off to a length of two inches (which actually, I like a lot for ease of wear and care and they say it is cute...I think they're being nice but I'm OK with them being nice) because they say it will all fall out before chemo is over and I'm not wanting to clean up a BIG mess. I've bought three wigs that I really hate but will probably love when that time gets here to cover up my bald head.

The day after chemo I called my sister and all of a sudden I realized why she had changed so much in the last few wasn't because she started working (which is what I originally thought because it's a different world out here than the protected one she has lived in for so many years being a work at home Mom) was because of what she had to deal with because of Daryl's cancer. So, the day of Chemo I realized that I am a mean chemo I was pretty mean to poor Tom but it wasn't anything I could control. I was so angry and miserable and he pretty much took the brunt of it. Of course, the day after I am on this euphoric happy ride where I could do anything...they say that is the steroids...I am thinking we probably both need some therapy to get through this. I might set some up through my company's Employee Assistance Program. Maybe it will save our the day of chemo I swear I heard the words "Divorce" and "Do I need to get your mother?" come out of his mouth. HA!! (yeah, don't take offense to this, Mom, but you know we don't co-habitate well and it's a good threat for him to straighten me out if I'm acting up.) He was at his wit's end. I decided at that point to sleep for the next few days. Which I pretty much did. I just shut my mouth and slept constantly. So, by the 4th day after chemo I had pretty much calmed down except for the anger inside. Yeah, can't quite seem to kick that. I'm not even sure WHAT I am angry about. (Hence the reason for this prattling) It may just be the chemo...I am not usually the angry confusing.

OK, so I've touched on the cancer, the husband, and the anger. Gratefulness is another whole category.

I am grateful that I know Jesus as my personal savior and that no matter what happens in my life, even if it is death, I know that he is there for me.

I am grateful to have a husband that loves me enough to go through this with me.

I am grateful to have such a caring son during this difficult time. (Well, I'm glad he is caring through 'any'

I am grateful to have a wider net of 'family' that cares about me. (Sister, mother, aunts, friends, my 2 bosses. etc)

I am grateful for a home to live in.

I am grateful for good health insurance.

I am grateful for food to eat (even when I don't feel like eating).

I am grateful to be a 'survivor' of Cancer.

Amen and amen.