I'm Really Not Ready Yet

I am a planner, an organizer, a controller and a fixer.  I'm am going down a road that doesn't really allow for the mental aspects of cancer treatments.  When I learned I had cancer, the first thing I did was research (planner in action).  I researched the specific type of cancer and all the possible treatments.  When I found out that I had to have surgery to remove the tumor and some lymph nodes, I prepared myself.  Prayed a lot...laughed and cried about it.  Looked for ways to mentally prepare myself. 

I got there quite easily.  I went into surgery calm and ready.

The surgeon said the margins were clean around the tumor and he didn't think I would have to have chemo.  I quit preparing myself for that and just focused on having to go through radiation.  (The surgeon assured me there was no way I could get out of that.)  When I saw the Oncologist, he stated that I needed chemo as well for the small cancer cells that may have traveled throughout my body because I had 'Invasive' ductal carcinoma which means that the cancer cells were able travel throughout the blood stream because they had broken through the duct walls.  (It just figures that my cancer cells would be aggressive fighters.  HA!)

Fine. 

I started mentally preparing myself for all the side affects.  Not for just one chemo but for the two types that he felt I needed.  Taxotere and AC.

Who was I fooling?  You really can't control or mentally prepare for any of this.

Yesterday, I started seriously losing my hair.  Just over the two week mark after my first dose of Taxotere.  I had prepared my hair for the loss.  I cut off my hair to a short 'sassy' hair-do about three weeks ago (Organizer, Controller and Fixer in action).  I had never in my life worn it short and, actually, I've grown to love it.  I'll probably keep it short even after I grow it  all back in.

Yesterday I got it cut again (since it is still growing) and Nancy (my beautician) and I discussed getting her to trim up my wigs that I had bought.  (I totally love my visits with Nancy.  She always lightens my spirit and makes me laugh.  I can see that my visits with her are going to be the best times I have over the next few months.  She has no idea what her caring spirit does for me.)  I am sure she could see the hair falling out so easily which is probably why she brought up the wigs. 

Today I was in the shower and it was coming out so much that bunches of it were sticking to my neck and shoulders as I washed it.  (Tom graciously cleaned up the shower after I was through so I wouldn't have to aggravate my shoulder.)  The sink was full of hair when I got done brushing it after my shower.  (I really do have a LOT of hair...lol)  I still have quite a bit still on my head but it all really hit me hard when I saw it in the shower and sink.  I realized that I am NEVER going to be ready to be bald.  I just stood there sobbing.  My husband comes over and hugs me and explains that he didn't marry me for my hair and that he still loves just the same as always.

Of course, I never doubted this.  He is going to be my rock through this entire situation.  God definitely knew what he was doing when He sent him to me. 

So, here we are at the next stage of the chemo and I'm really not ready yet but ... here we go anyway.  It really is only hair, Silly Girl...You can't control or fix this one.  (Controller and fixer stepping down and leaving it all in God's hands.)