I'll admit it. I'm a little depressed.
OK, I am crying at the drop of a hat. I guess I am a lot depressed. I mean...I am talking to the funniest guy at work and I am sitting there crying. (He doesn't know he's making me cry...I mean, we are in an Instant Message and he can't see what I'm doing.) What is up with all the tears?
I still think it is something I can handle without meds though. I think the fact that this is a getting hard for my husband is making it something I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to be the reason for him to get down and frustrated. (Not that I couldn't do that to him without chemo...HA!) If I could just control the way I react to everything, I think he would feel better and then I would feel better.
So, I know the answer to all this. Why can't I do it?
If you pray for anything this week, pray that I will temper my responses to Tom and not be so picky about everything. I have to do better about that. I need to be strong for him so he can be strong for me.
I think it is a need to feel in control of something in my life. I don't feel like I have control of anything. I called the Surgeon's office this morning to cancel my appointment with the surgeon because I don't want to go through the analyzing of the fluid in the cyst in my left breast. She says she'll talk to the doctor but he will probably still want to do it. WHAT IS THAT? They can't MAKE me do the biopsy. I tried to explain in the nicest way possible that I DIDN'T WANT the fluid analyzed. She told me that she is not a medical expert and she would leave that decision up to the doctors to discuss. (Apparently the surgeon and my cancer doc have to discuss all this before I can really get out of it?) WHATEVER. I thought I had a choice. She also made me promise that I would tell the cancer doctor that I had canceled the appointment. (I felt like a first grader promising the teacher that I would do my homework.) I have no problem telling the cancer doctor I don't want the fluid analyzed. I don't even have a problem telling him I've had enough of chemo.
I got a call from the radiation guy too. He wants to know if I'm ready to start the radiation. I told him maybe in January if I'm lucky. He said they would call back in January. Boy...nobody wants to miss a piece of this action, huh? They must hear "CHA-CHING" every time they think of me. HA!
So, it's kind of a down week but I am going to work on making it a better one. 8-)
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Hey, Babe,,,is that kind of a funny remark "have a nice day" after hearing what a rotten day you are having? Give me a break! You know, you don't have to be strong all the time, but you are stronger than you realize. Say, do you remember the Gilligan where they were wanting him to wear a dress and he was saying...You can't make me, you can't make me, you can't make me, and he wound up wearing it anyway? That is how I am sure you must be feeling right now. I know the crying bit, because I still experience it some days and there is just no control over it. It is a good thing that I am alone sometimes, so I don't bring everyone else down with me. Of course, I have no one to snap at, so you have an advantage over me. Also, I know your situation is a lot worse than mine, but I know you are going to come through just fine and I know you worry about how your illness is affecting Tom, but the wedding vows do say in sickness and in health and I know he and you are going to continue being strong for one another, and crying on each others shoulders is part of that. OOPS. this is longer than I intended to write. Love you Babe.
ReplyDeleteP.S. Didn't mean for it to sound like I am unhappy. I just have a few days that are rough sometimes. Most of time is good.
ReplyDeleteYa know, chemo is tough. It's rearranging your hormones and your emotions and your body. It's okay to be depressed....that's the first thing to remember. Once you go, "Okay, I'm depressed, it's chemically induced, and this effect has a limited engagement", then you at least sort of make peace with it. Now, that's being said by a person who WATCHES chemo, not experiences it. So, grain of salt, ya know!
ReplyDeleteYes, you can handle it without meds. The funny thing about meds (until you HAVE to take them, of course) is that, as Daryl says, "Every pill has its price" and you don't know what a combination will do....our systems are NOT normal! :-)
Tom will be fine. Tom will be fine. Tom will be fine. Give him my phone number. He can call or text me when he needs reinforcements! :-)
Praying for your responses to be sweet...I can do. Daryl used to tell me that I can't let him get by with bad attitudes just because of the chemo, b/c bad attitudes are still bad. I told him it's a good thing I don't totally buy into that for his sake! :-) However, I would gently let him know that he had a bad response to things, and that it's time for him to take a time out from people. He'd go hide out in his office, and the next day he was better. And so was I.
You might want to go to one of those support groups. We found a wealth of helpful info that wasn't on the internet...helpful things that individuals found out helps. We didn't need it from a psychological standpoint, but from encouragement standpoint, it was great.
On the biopsy...you might be sorry later if you don't do it. You may later fear that you should have, and what if, what if, what if. If you get it done now, this can stay a shorter engagement. It will feed your need to know, when you catch your breath. It will GIVE you control! Just sayin'....
My favorite hymn through all this cancer stuff has been "Come Thou Fount of Every Blessing". Especially the second line, "Tune my heart to sing thy Grace". My heart forever needs tuning...here's a quote from my journal...It was my first entry, in 2008, after diagnosis and research and heart ache. Remember, I'm not the one with the cancer, but I am a cancer-in-law, and we go through it with you.
"This song reminds me that my heart is often tuned to the wrong song, and that I need God to tune it to sing His grace, to sing songs of praise."
The next stanza begins with "Here I raise my Ebenezer, hither by Thy help I've come". My comment was: "From the very outset, I choose to raise an Ebenezer of joy and contentment. We have come to this place by God's permission. He is not surprised, NOR is He wringing His hands in despair, as if He made a mistake."
Then finally, "Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandring heart to Thee" My comment: "God is good and His goodness binds my heart to Him. May this case of Multiple Myeloma be to the Praise of His Glory."
I am already seeing God's good work through this awful thing of yours, and that you are glorifying Him through it. Hang in there, beloved!
Love you!
Carol,dear, such good advice from one who is in the battle so personally. 'Thank you for your kind and good words and advice. I love you both so very much. Amen. Mom
ReplyDeleteI get such a blessing reading your blogs and reading Carol and Grammy's comments.I hope I would be as brave as you if I was in the same place,I hope you have better days ahead.
ReplyDeleteThnaks to everyone. I am having a much better night. I was a bit of doom and gloom today, huh. Tomorrow will be better, I am sure. Thanks for your prayers! They are definitely working. 8-)
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