Mama Said There'd Be Days Like This...

For all who have been following this blog and thinking, "Wow, this girl is really brave.", I am here to confess something today.

I asked my husband to let me talk to the doctor alone today.  (He normally comes to the room with me and talks to the doctor with me.)  I had some 'personal' things to talk to the doctor about (some things I don't even want to share with Tom...TMI and all, you know) and I wanted to see if I could talk him out of the last two chemo treatments.  I couldn't talk him out of them...and not only could I not talk him out of it, but there was something in the blood work that sent him pinging and asking about lumps again.  He wanted to know what they did about the lump I found about a month ago in my other breast...I told him that it was fluid filled and I had opted not to go to the surgeon over it.  He wanted to see it and then he also checked the other breast and found the lump I hadn't told him about.  (This lump is in the same breast that the cancer lump was in.)  I found this new lump last week but figured since we were getting radiation, there wasn't much use (nor energy on my part) to stir anyone up over it.  He agreed to wait until the chemo is over but then assures me that we will be checking out this new lump vigorously. 

So, I'm not so brave after all...I cried so much in the chemo chair today that the nurse asked me if I needed a minute alone before starting the AC chemo.  She had already given me the Benedryl, anti-nausea medicine, and steroids.  I just caved before the chemo started.  I don't know why except I just didn't want it and felt pushed into it.  Yeah....wah, wah, wah...I am totally disgusted with myself for not being stronger.

I did have a really neat nurse today for the treatments.  We had a lot in common, both kill plants, both have curly hair that makes it hard to find a good beautician.  You have to be a very talented beautician to give someone with curly hair a great haircut.  She goes all the way to Jackson, MS to get hers done every month.  She had a GREAT haircut which is what started that conversation.  Believe it or not, we were joking around while she was infusing the medications.  I fell apart when she left while the anti-nausea meds were going in. 

Tom was very patient through all of it, as usual.  I can tell he is concerned even more than usual because all this is out of character for me.  It is probably all drug induced, Tom, please don't worry...you know I have days like this.  8-}

So...today isn't such a good day, but as the old song goes..."Mama said there'd be days like this..."

Love you all bunches...glad you are out there for encouragement.  I can really use some today.