I think my husband wakes up every morning wondering "Is it a good day today?" Bless his heart. My emotions are all over the place.
I'll be sitting at my computer playing a game and he'll be sitting with his back to me (at his computer) and next thing he knows I am over here sobbing. He says, "Are you all right?" (complete confusion in his voice) and I just say "It's just the chemo crying...not to worry." I don't know why it makes me cry. I feel so thankful all the time for everything but sometimes it just takes over some part of my brain and leaves me sobbing.
For those of you that know me...I am a 'laughing' kind of person. (Just ask anyone at my Dad's viewing...I was the one inappropriately laughing during the entire thing...I honestly thought someone was going to kick me out and then I remembered that we were in charge and there wasn't anyone to kick me out.) I have this big laugh that I inherited from my grandmother that leaves its mark wherever I go. I have had bosses who moved me to offices near them and then, before too long, moved me down the hall because I laugh too loud. Ah well...there are worse things in life than an employee who laughs too much and too loudly...HA!
Of course, my sister might not think it is such a good thing. I tend to laugh in situations that make me uncomfortable and sad. One day, many years ago, she tells me about her cat that was sleeping peacefully in the dryer and one of her sons threw some tennis shoes in the dryer and turned it on (I know which one, but I won't tell here...lol). You can imagine the rest...very sad story...I should have been going "oh, poor kitty" and crying with her but nope...I'm LAUGHING so hard my sides hurt. I mean...it was a little bit of slapstick humor there...come on. I felt really bad after because (of course) she's about in tears and here I am laughing. Poor Carol...I've let her down in many ways over the years...but what are sisters for anyway? They have to take the bad parts of us and love us anyway, right?
I'm pretty sure I have gotten through the worst of the first Taxotere chemo treatment unless my white and red blood cells drop. I can take the crying jags...I mean...after all...it's only emotions. The bone pain was excruciating and really much worse than the crying jags. Of course, that was caused by the shot of Neulasta they gave me to produce 'good' white blood cells in my bone marrow. Those little white cells were just SCREAMING to get out of those bones...fighting each other...who knows what was really happening? The nausea was controlled with medication. My skin not growing new skin is kinda weird but I can live with the chapped feeling. (Yeah for lotion!) Sleeping for a couple of days was OK since I was sleeping at night even after I had slept all day. I can't stand to not be able to sleep at night. I'm always so afraid I'll be too tired the next day to survive all that has to be done.
All right...there is one more annoying thing...Chemo brain...what the heck is going on with that? So we all have moments where we leave one room and go into the next with a mission in mind. We get to that room and all of a sudden we don't remember what we were after. I did that before chemo brain...no big deal really...it was all laughable...my husband and I joked and laughed about it and were happy that we are growing old together and having the same problems. OK...so imagine this....I'm holding a pen to write something during a meeting...I take the cap off and try to write with the cap. Then I can't figure out why it isn't writing...I'm shaking the cap and pressing again....why won't it write? Pretty disturbing when I realize that it's the WRONG PART OF THE PEN...hello!!! It's like that all day long...wait...no wonder I'm over here crying. My stupid brain probably doesn't even remember the laugh thing....it just figures it would become an Olympic athlete at crying. HA!
Hey, Babe! You know, you and I both laugh at inopportune times. If you remember, I laughed at the mental picture of the cat going "Klunk! Klunk! Klunk!" just like you did. Part of your wacky sense of humor you can blame on me. I can't empathize with the trying to use the wrong end of the pen, but I can sympathize with it. God bless you, honey! I love you all. Mom.
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ReplyDeleteHi Teresa, I just found your blog. I'm so sorry for what you are going through. This is one time I can say, "been there and done that." A lump was found in my breast in April, 2007....by mammogram. I had had a mammogram every year faithfull since I WAS 45 years old, and they had always been O.K. All of a sudden when I was 70, a lump appeared. It really makes you wonder how cancer comes about. There was never anyone in my family with breast cancer....now all my sister and especially my daughter has to be extra cautious. If they could find out what causes it, wouldn't it be wonderful? But anyway, I had a mastectomy (one breast removed) on April 7th, 2007. Sixteen of my lymph nodes were removed and thank God it had not invaded the lymph nodes. Therefore I got to take the Chemo that kills only the bad cells and not the good cells. It was called Herception and was given interveinously. The treatment was once a week for a year. I didn't lose my hair or get nauseated but I lost all of my energy. It was all I could do to get one foot in front of the other....but I never missed one morning making my husbands breakfast, because he was sick too. Then after the chemo was over, I had radiation every day for six weeks. The worse part about it was when they "marked the spot." They put me under this light and I could not move (not even hardly breathe) forever so long. And they had to do it twice, because I moved my arm or something one tiny bit. But the actual treatment just lasted a couple of minutes every day and it was fine. I drove myself there and back every time. My dear sister-in-law went me me everytime when I was taking my chemo. I loved her for that...and still do.
ReplyDeleteJust know that you are not alone, and the treatment for breast cancer has come a long ways in the last few years. Hang in there and keep the faith. I leaned on Him then and I still lean on Him. Today, I can still do all the things I have ever done....so I am a SURVIVOR!!!! I pray for the day when you can say the same. I know it will happen! (I love your MOM) She is some fine lady!
Thanks so much, Clara, for the words of encouragement! It does seem to be an uphill battle right now. My chemo is nondiscriminant and enjoys killing the bad and the good cells..lol. Yeah, my Mom is a fine lady and I get all my perseverance from her side of the family. 8-). The doctor tells me that the taxotere chemo that I am currently on is the easy one...Lordy, Lordy (as my aunt Mae says). I dread the next one. Lol lol lol. Thanks for visiting..it is amazing how therapeutic visitors on a blog are. I didn't even start it for that but it is wonderful to know people care.
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