Brain Dumping

I am not sure why I am starting this except that they say it will be good therapy and I'm not so sure that I want to talk to everyone about this so when you guys want to find out what is going on, I'll try to make posts to keep you up to date. There are several things to state right off the bat, I guess.

1. I am a Christian.

2. I am a Christian with a husband.

3. I am a Christian with cancer and a husband. (I was going to say with a husband and cancer but I didn't want to give the wrong idea where you might think it was the husband with cancer...lol...husband had to come first so, here we are, already with a dilemma to perfection.)

4. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, and a lot of anger.

5. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, a lot of anger, and a lot of gratefulness. (yeah, that one is probably contradictory but there is where my brain is.)

Yeah...you probably get the idea now and are sick of that little epithet. HA.

In the last two months (this all started with a routine physical at my local OB/GYN Drs office...hoorah - imagine a marine articulation of that word), I've had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my breast and 4 lymph nodes from under my arm and another one to insert a catheter port into my chest under my left clavicle I've been given one treatment of chemotherapy which of course I was allergic to and they had to dope me up with Benadryl and steroids to survive it without scratching all my skin off. I've cut all my hair off to a length of two inches (which actually, I like a lot for ease of wear and care and they say it is cute...I think they're being nice but I'm OK with them being nice) because they say it will all fall out before chemo is over and I'm not wanting to clean up a BIG mess. I've bought three wigs that I really hate but will probably love when that time gets here to cover up my bald head.

The day after chemo I called my sister and all of a sudden I realized why she had changed so much in the last few years...it wasn't because she started working (which is what I originally thought because it's a different world out here than the protected one she has lived in for so many years being a work at home Mom)...it was because of what she had to deal with because of Daryl's cancer. So, the day of Chemo I realized that I am a mean chemo drunk...lol. I was pretty mean to poor Tom but it wasn't anything I could control. I was so angry and miserable and he pretty much took the brunt of it. Of course, the day after I am on this euphoric happy ride where I could do anything...they say that is the steroids...I am thinking we probably both need some therapy to get through this. I might set some up through my company's Employee Assistance Program. Maybe it will save our marriage...lol...on the day of chemo I swear I heard the words "Divorce" and "Do I need to get your mother?" come out of his mouth. HA!! (yeah, don't take offense to this, Mom, but you know we don't co-habitate well and it's a good threat for him to straighten me out if I'm acting up.) He was at his wit's end. I decided at that point to sleep for the next few days. Which I pretty much did. I just shut my mouth and slept constantly. So, by the 4th day after chemo I had pretty much calmed down except for the anger inside. Yeah, can't quite seem to kick that. I'm not even sure WHAT I am angry about. (Hence the reason for this prattling) It may just be the chemo...I am not usually the angry type...so confusing.

OK, so I've touched on the cancer, the husband, and the anger. Gratefulness is another whole category.

I am grateful that I know Jesus as my personal savior and that no matter what happens in my life, even if it is death, I know that he is there for me.

I am grateful to have a husband that loves me enough to go through this with me.

I am grateful to have such a caring son during this difficult time. (Well, I'm glad he is caring through 'any' time...lol)

I am grateful to have a wider net of 'family' that cares about me. (Sister, mother, aunts, friends, my 2 bosses. etc)

I am grateful for a home to live in.

I am grateful for good health insurance.

I am grateful for food to eat (even when I don't feel like eating).

I am grateful to be a 'survivor' of Cancer.

Amen and amen.