I started this part of the blog yesterday...didn't get done with it after the MRI as I had originally planned...oops.
Nov 12, 2010
Tom is getting some major dental work done today. They pulled out one of his teeth years and years ago and our current dentist thinks it would be good for him to have a bridge over that gap. Today they make a temporary and send off a mold of the temporary to make the real one. (Not sure if we have this process correct but that is what Tom thinks they are going to be doing.) That is going to take the dentist and his crew about 4 hours to do. Then Tom runs home and grabs me to go get my MRI done. Really looking forward to that (NOT). Luckily, they will be giving me some happy juice so that I don't care that I feel like I'm in a coffin while they are doing the MRI. The headaches haven't been as bad with this chemo treatment but I am still having the double vision off and on. Maybe they can get to the bottom of all that with the MRI.
Nov 13, 2010...Day after the MRI...
Ativan is your friend. 8-)
We got to the Cancer Center yesterday and waited for about 45 minutes to get called back to get the MRI done. When I got back there, they gave me a shot of ativan to help me with my claustrophobia. NICE STUFF. They could have chopped off my head instead of doing an MRI and I really wouldn't have cared. I asked her in my wonderful slurred speech how the pictures came out. She said, "I got some really good pictures." I asked her, "Can't you tell me more than that? She said "Nope...you need to talk to your doctor." I told her I had to try anyway...
Today is a quiet day and it is nice to have Tom home for company. I'm not supposed to go out in the world this weekend since I'm in 'Nadir' but I am thinking of making a Sam's run anyway later today. I've finished my morning computer stuff, done the treadmill and need to make lunch but after that it's pretty much wide open.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Saturday, November 13, 2010
Thursday, November 11, 2010
Caretakers
Today I have been thinking about spouses (or any caretaker) of cancer patients.
I have moaned and groaned in this blog about what I go through but equally important is the side of the coin that a cancer patient's caretaker is on.
Tom has watched me go through two surgeries, the recovery from those surgeries (believe it or not, the port installation was the worst to recover from), the tears, the frustrations, the confusion and through it all he has been amazing. Now, I won't say he hasn't lost patience with me. HA! I would test the patience of Job when I am in my mean chemo drunk stage. But, somehow, he has come out of the other side of this first chemotherapy still loving me. 8-) That is amazing.
My view of the person who supports is that they have to understand that while THEY think the cancer patient should have some control over their frustrations and emotions, they really do and they really don't. They don't before they get a handle on it all but they should (to some degree) after they get a better handle on it. It has taken Tom and I four chemo treatments to get this down to an art. We've made it look easy this time around but it took much restraint on both our parts to get through this without the usual emotional upheaval. We are like feeders off of each other. One has a reaction and the other reacts to the reaction.
One thing to keep in mind (on my blog) about the Taxotere treatments is that I took the heavy dose of Taxotere treatments every three weeks instead of the light dose every week. This caused more extreme effects than the other way would have but I felt that I would have more good days than bad this way. Neither my husband nor I could take off so much time from work to get the treatments every week. There were a lot of factors that made me choose this way.
Here is a list of items that the caretaker (or the cancer patient) should do to make the treatments easier (I'm certainly not saying they will be easy but this will ease some of the pain and frustration):
1. When I start feeling out of control and about to say something mean to Tom, I move to another area of the house. Or maybe the caretaker should move. You can do it either way but they can't read your mind so it will probably be you that should move BEFORE you say anything. (OH, and good luck with that...sometimes, it seems like I won't feel better until I say it. That is the mean chemo drunk in me. I have found that there is really a not so nice side to me that kind of embarrasses me.) I probably saved 5 or 6 arguments by doing this after the 4th chemo treatment.
2. When I start feeling depressed and like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat, I watch something on TV that would normally make me laugh really hard. We chose to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" during my normally severe depression time. I did find that I didn't laugh as much at it as I would have off of chemo but I wasn't sitting around crying either. Big improvement.
3. The caretaker should give massages in areas where cancer patient hurts. Wow. If I had known this during the first treatment, it probably would have saved a lot of heartache (and body aches). Now that he is massaging my shoulders to get the kinks out of them, I am not as grouchy or depressed. I had tried all kinds of heat and ice and used the tens unit to get the pain to go away but all it really takes is him massaging me for maybe 5 minutes and I'm good to go. I also think this is good for the caretaker because now they feel that they are doing something that actually makes the cancer persons life better. There is nothing as bad as feeling helpless when someone you love is in pain.
4. Start a blog! This blog has been a great outlet for me vent, cry, laugh, and just hear general support comments from my family (which tells me that I am not alone out here).
5. Take all the recommended medications to relieve the effects of the chemo before the effects hit you. This isn't the time to be tough and just 'weather through' the chemo treatment ill effects. Take the nausea medicine, take the laxatives, take the pain medicines (if they are prescribed), take the sleeping pills. Whatever is offered to get you through this poison...TAKE IT. Like my doctor told me when I asked for help sleeping..."You have breast cancer, you can have ANY drugs you want." Cool, huh?
6. The caretaker should help as much as possible to keep the house clean smelling. Chemo causes the cancer patient to have an enhanced sense of smell. For me...since I already had a very enhanced sense of smell this has been extremely annoying. Suffice it to say, ALL smells are captured during chemo. Things that smelled good before chemo could smell bad after chemo which is why they suggest you don't use fabric softener or fragrance filled laundry detergent. I always make sure that right before my chemo treatment that I clean the house extremely well so that there won't be any odors to annoy me.
7. Try to do nice things for your caretaker when you are feeling able to do so. It is important that they still feel loved and cared for too! I try to make sure that I do a majority of the house cleaning myself so he doesn't feel like he goes to work and then comes home and works all the time. He needs down time as much or maybe even more than I do. (We let the cleaning people go when I started staying home all the time because I didn't feel like dealing with anyone else in the house when I am here and there wasn't any reason I couldn't do my own house cleaning right now. No one does it as good as I do anyway (Except maybe Tom)...HA)
8. Laugh at yourself. God gave us a sense of humor for a reason. When you're crying...sit there and think how ridiculous this emotion is and how much you have to be thankful for. Yeah, that one isn't easy but it sure did get me through a lot of rough times. Sometimes, I'd just go to the mirror and look at my little bald head and get a good laugh.
9. Speaking of bald heads...don't let it get to you. Your hair is gonna grow back in. Of course, I had this irrational fear that it wouldn't at one point, but the doctor has assured me that it does. 8-) Paranoia can really take over during chemo.
10. If you don't have them, get an electric blanket, long johns, and something to cover your head when you sleep prior to your first treatment. Hot and cold 'core' body temperatures are extreme when you start going through your treatments. When your red cells drop, you're going to be cold a lot (about 5-7 days after the treatment). As your estrogen is depleted (and it will be totally) then you get those wonderful hot flashes that cause you to throw the covers off of you and want to rip off all your clothes. Dress in layers...even in bed. You're gonna be putting it on and taking it off all day and night. lol Tom and I laugh a lot about this.
11. Revel....Stand in AWE of the good days. You and your caretaker will have them...I promise.
I have moaned and groaned in this blog about what I go through but equally important is the side of the coin that a cancer patient's caretaker is on.
Tom has watched me go through two surgeries, the recovery from those surgeries (believe it or not, the port installation was the worst to recover from), the tears, the frustrations, the confusion and through it all he has been amazing. Now, I won't say he hasn't lost patience with me. HA! I would test the patience of Job when I am in my mean chemo drunk stage. But, somehow, he has come out of the other side of this first chemotherapy still loving me. 8-) That is amazing.
My view of the person who supports is that they have to understand that while THEY think the cancer patient should have some control over their frustrations and emotions, they really do and they really don't. They don't before they get a handle on it all but they should (to some degree) after they get a better handle on it. It has taken Tom and I four chemo treatments to get this down to an art. We've made it look easy this time around but it took much restraint on both our parts to get through this without the usual emotional upheaval. We are like feeders off of each other. One has a reaction and the other reacts to the reaction.
One thing to keep in mind (on my blog) about the Taxotere treatments is that I took the heavy dose of Taxotere treatments every three weeks instead of the light dose every week. This caused more extreme effects than the other way would have but I felt that I would have more good days than bad this way. Neither my husband nor I could take off so much time from work to get the treatments every week. There were a lot of factors that made me choose this way.
Here is a list of items that the caretaker (or the cancer patient) should do to make the treatments easier (I'm certainly not saying they will be easy but this will ease some of the pain and frustration):
1. When I start feeling out of control and about to say something mean to Tom, I move to another area of the house. Or maybe the caretaker should move. You can do it either way but they can't read your mind so it will probably be you that should move BEFORE you say anything. (OH, and good luck with that...sometimes, it seems like I won't feel better until I say it. That is the mean chemo drunk in me. I have found that there is really a not so nice side to me that kind of embarrasses me.) I probably saved 5 or 6 arguments by doing this after the 4th chemo treatment.
2. When I start feeling depressed and like I'm going to cry at the drop of a hat, I watch something on TV that would normally make me laugh really hard. We chose to watch "Everybody Loves Raymond" during my normally severe depression time. I did find that I didn't laugh as much at it as I would have off of chemo but I wasn't sitting around crying either. Big improvement.
3. The caretaker should give massages in areas where cancer patient hurts. Wow. If I had known this during the first treatment, it probably would have saved a lot of heartache (and body aches). Now that he is massaging my shoulders to get the kinks out of them, I am not as grouchy or depressed. I had tried all kinds of heat and ice and used the tens unit to get the pain to go away but all it really takes is him massaging me for maybe 5 minutes and I'm good to go. I also think this is good for the caretaker because now they feel that they are doing something that actually makes the cancer persons life better. There is nothing as bad as feeling helpless when someone you love is in pain.
4. Start a blog! This blog has been a great outlet for me vent, cry, laugh, and just hear general support comments from my family (which tells me that I am not alone out here).
5. Take all the recommended medications to relieve the effects of the chemo before the effects hit you. This isn't the time to be tough and just 'weather through' the chemo treatment ill effects. Take the nausea medicine, take the laxatives, take the pain medicines (if they are prescribed), take the sleeping pills. Whatever is offered to get you through this poison...TAKE IT. Like my doctor told me when I asked for help sleeping..."You have breast cancer, you can have ANY drugs you want." Cool, huh?
6. The caretaker should help as much as possible to keep the house clean smelling. Chemo causes the cancer patient to have an enhanced sense of smell. For me...since I already had a very enhanced sense of smell this has been extremely annoying. Suffice it to say, ALL smells are captured during chemo. Things that smelled good before chemo could smell bad after chemo which is why they suggest you don't use fabric softener or fragrance filled laundry detergent. I always make sure that right before my chemo treatment that I clean the house extremely well so that there won't be any odors to annoy me.
7. Try to do nice things for your caretaker when you are feeling able to do so. It is important that they still feel loved and cared for too! I try to make sure that I do a majority of the house cleaning myself so he doesn't feel like he goes to work and then comes home and works all the time. He needs down time as much or maybe even more than I do. (We let the cleaning people go when I started staying home all the time because I didn't feel like dealing with anyone else in the house when I am here and there wasn't any reason I couldn't do my own house cleaning right now. No one does it as good as I do anyway (Except maybe Tom)...HA)
8. Laugh at yourself. God gave us a sense of humor for a reason. When you're crying...sit there and think how ridiculous this emotion is and how much you have to be thankful for. Yeah, that one isn't easy but it sure did get me through a lot of rough times. Sometimes, I'd just go to the mirror and look at my little bald head and get a good laugh.
9. Speaking of bald heads...don't let it get to you. Your hair is gonna grow back in. Of course, I had this irrational fear that it wouldn't at one point, but the doctor has assured me that it does. 8-) Paranoia can really take over during chemo.
10. If you don't have them, get an electric blanket, long johns, and something to cover your head when you sleep prior to your first treatment. Hot and cold 'core' body temperatures are extreme when you start going through your treatments. When your red cells drop, you're going to be cold a lot (about 5-7 days after the treatment). As your estrogen is depleted (and it will be totally) then you get those wonderful hot flashes that cause you to throw the covers off of you and want to rip off all your clothes. Dress in layers...even in bed. You're gonna be putting it on and taking it off all day and night. lol Tom and I laugh a lot about this.
11. Revel....Stand in AWE of the good days. You and your caretaker will have them...I promise.
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
Meditating? Maybe...
Yesterday was just a blur.
Work was busy and exhausting, so I decided to shut my little eyes at 4 and get some rest.
The phone rang almost as soon as I shut them. Ugh. I look at the caller ID...it isn't a number I know but something in the back of my mind told me I should answer it.
As it turned out, it was the Boeing Wellness group with my phone call addressing my stress levels. OH yeah. I remembered after they told me so I worked on losing the 'annoyed' tone in my voice.
She asked me what I was doing currently to relieve my stress and I told her about the blog and she got all excited because that was one of the things on her list that she was supposed to suggest to me.
Another thing on her list was gardening. (Yeah...that's not gonna happen.)
She ran through the list of things like, watching movies (do that), walking (do that), support system of friends and family (do that) and then she brought up meditation. I tried to picture myself sitting in the 'lotus position' and going 'hmmm' several times a day. Wow...I couldn't really see me sitting still for several times a day and doing anything that equates to doing NOTHING. Even watching TV is interrupted frequently for whatever reason pops into my head while doing so. But, I had to give her something for her trouble of calling so I said, "Sure...I'll try the meditation thing." (I could tell she was feeling a little discouraged that she couldn't find anything new for me to do and I didn't want to be a difficult customer.)
She is leading me to the website where it is located and all of a sudden I feel someone grabbing my head. I screamed VERY LOUDLY because there wasn't supposed to someone in the house. All of a sudden I realized that the person grabbing my head was also kissing the top of it and it was Tom, who had just gotten home from work. The poor woman on the phone (as I'm profusely apologizing) says, "Someone is a little jumpy, huh?" Well, DUH. I lost track of time and NOBODY was supposed to be in the house.
Anyway, after I got off the phone, I tried one of the meditation directions. It kept making me yawn out of pure boredom. Of course, I guess if you're bored, you can't be stressed too much, huh? I made it through the first sixty seconds...I might listen to a couple of minutes sometime today if I can find the time. 8-) I am supposed to give her feedback on it next time we talk....ugh.
(For anyone that is interested in meditating, the website is http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22.)
Work was busy and exhausting, so I decided to shut my little eyes at 4 and get some rest.
The phone rang almost as soon as I shut them. Ugh. I look at the caller ID...it isn't a number I know but something in the back of my mind told me I should answer it.
As it turned out, it was the Boeing Wellness group with my phone call addressing my stress levels. OH yeah. I remembered after they told me so I worked on losing the 'annoyed' tone in my voice.
She asked me what I was doing currently to relieve my stress and I told her about the blog and she got all excited because that was one of the things on her list that she was supposed to suggest to me.
Another thing on her list was gardening. (Yeah...that's not gonna happen.)
She ran through the list of things like, watching movies (do that), walking (do that), support system of friends and family (do that) and then she brought up meditation. I tried to picture myself sitting in the 'lotus position' and going 'hmmm' several times a day. Wow...I couldn't really see me sitting still for several times a day and doing anything that equates to doing NOTHING. Even watching TV is interrupted frequently for whatever reason pops into my head while doing so. But, I had to give her something for her trouble of calling so I said, "Sure...I'll try the meditation thing." (I could tell she was feeling a little discouraged that she couldn't find anything new for me to do and I didn't want to be a difficult customer.)
She is leading me to the website where it is located and all of a sudden I feel someone grabbing my head. I screamed VERY LOUDLY because there wasn't supposed to someone in the house. All of a sudden I realized that the person grabbing my head was also kissing the top of it and it was Tom, who had just gotten home from work. The poor woman on the phone (as I'm profusely apologizing) says, "Someone is a little jumpy, huh?" Well, DUH. I lost track of time and NOBODY was supposed to be in the house.
Anyway, after I got off the phone, I tried one of the meditation directions. It kept making me yawn out of pure boredom. Of course, I guess if you're bored, you can't be stressed too much, huh? I made it through the first sixty seconds...I might listen to a couple of minutes sometime today if I can find the time. 8-) I am supposed to give her feedback on it next time we talk....ugh.
(For anyone that is interested in meditating, the website is http://marc.ucla.edu/body.cfm?id=22.)
Monday, November 8, 2010
Moving Right Along
I went into this chemo treatment with a brand new mindset. I decided I was going to stay as 'positive' and upbeat as I possibly could during the first few days so that maybe it would lessen the spousal abuse that comes from the treatments.
This worked to a great degree, I think...you'd have to ask my husband to get the real story, I would guess. (Since this is only my perspective which may be a little skewed. HA!)
Of course, this is the last of the taxotere treatments so that may have something to do with my ability to fight off the depression and frustration that comes with each treatment. I was talking to my sister this morning and she said that her husband (who has also been battling cancer for several years) would make the statement to the effect of "Why is everyone else so annoying when I am on chemo?" which explains EXACTLY how I feel during the first few days after treatment. It is like everyone looks for the last nerve that I have left and they take a sledgehammer to it. LOL We don't think it is us...we think EVERYONE ELSE is the problem. It really is funny after it is over and you look back at it but not so much when you're going through it. Probably not so funny, even after it is over, to the spouses. :-}
I was having the usual neck pain yesterday that has tormented me since the beginning of chemo. Yeah, this wasn't anyone being a pain in the neck...it was real neck pain. I told my husband that I could see why people will pay $60 for a massage while they are going through chemo. He said he would give me one for free so we proceeded back to the bedroom so I could lay down and he could try to relieve my pain. WOW...what a difference. It took my grumpiness totally away. So, every couple of hours, he would massage my shoulders to give me relief. I tried to tell him that he needed to stay home from work today and just give me massages all day. (This is the first relief I've had from neck pain in months.) But, alas, he had to go into work and I will just be waiting here like a drug addict to get my massage when he gets home....LOL.
Another thing that is a bit of work, because of the chemo, is laundry. I have to wash all our clothes separately because if I wash them together then he could end up with my chemo on his clothes which would transfer to his body when he wears them. I have to wash sheets and towels separately as well. This was one of the first things they cautioned us about. I also clean off any furniture that I sit on, he can't use the same bathroom...the list goes on and on. So far, the precautions are working really well.
I get to chat a lot more with my Mom and my Sister because I work from home now. I think we are all enjoying this ability and it will be sad when I get thrown back into the hectic pace of the office and am unable to contact them so much anymore. But for now, I am enjoying the contact and I know they are a lot busier than I am so I try not to be too needy. 8-)
When all this is over, I would really like to take what I've learned from this experience and help others that are going through it. I'm not sure how yet, but I think I could make a difference to those that are suffering. It's funny...others have offered to help in any way possible and I'm not good at asking for help or even taking it when offered but I love giving it. I had a friend tell me that she thought I might be going through this so I could help someone else down the road. I guess like the "Pay It Forward" theory. It would be good if there were a purpose to all this. 8-) I'm not sure doing the coffee cart at the cancer center would be enough...I could care less about the coffee cart when they bring it around but the conversation of hope that I got from the coffee cart lady (Lauren) was immeasurable so maybe helping with the coffee cart isn't so much about the food stuffs but the reaching out. I could do that but would everyone that is going through chemo going to be receptive to my prattling about my experiences? I'll continue to muddle through these thought processes and maybe in 11 weeks, when this is all over, I'll have an answer. Pray for God to open a door where I can serve with the knowledge I've obtained.
This worked to a great degree, I think...you'd have to ask my husband to get the real story, I would guess. (Since this is only my perspective which may be a little skewed. HA!)
Of course, this is the last of the taxotere treatments so that may have something to do with my ability to fight off the depression and frustration that comes with each treatment. I was talking to my sister this morning and she said that her husband (who has also been battling cancer for several years) would make the statement to the effect of "Why is everyone else so annoying when I am on chemo?" which explains EXACTLY how I feel during the first few days after treatment. It is like everyone looks for the last nerve that I have left and they take a sledgehammer to it. LOL We don't think it is us...we think EVERYONE ELSE is the problem. It really is funny after it is over and you look back at it but not so much when you're going through it. Probably not so funny, even after it is over, to the spouses. :-}
I was having the usual neck pain yesterday that has tormented me since the beginning of chemo. Yeah, this wasn't anyone being a pain in the neck...it was real neck pain. I told my husband that I could see why people will pay $60 for a massage while they are going through chemo. He said he would give me one for free so we proceeded back to the bedroom so I could lay down and he could try to relieve my pain. WOW...what a difference. It took my grumpiness totally away. So, every couple of hours, he would massage my shoulders to give me relief. I tried to tell him that he needed to stay home from work today and just give me massages all day. (This is the first relief I've had from neck pain in months.) But, alas, he had to go into work and I will just be waiting here like a drug addict to get my massage when he gets home....LOL.
Another thing that is a bit of work, because of the chemo, is laundry. I have to wash all our clothes separately because if I wash them together then he could end up with my chemo on his clothes which would transfer to his body when he wears them. I have to wash sheets and towels separately as well. This was one of the first things they cautioned us about. I also clean off any furniture that I sit on, he can't use the same bathroom...the list goes on and on. So far, the precautions are working really well.
I get to chat a lot more with my Mom and my Sister because I work from home now. I think we are all enjoying this ability and it will be sad when I get thrown back into the hectic pace of the office and am unable to contact them so much anymore. But for now, I am enjoying the contact and I know they are a lot busier than I am so I try not to be too needy. 8-)
When all this is over, I would really like to take what I've learned from this experience and help others that are going through it. I'm not sure how yet, but I think I could make a difference to those that are suffering. It's funny...others have offered to help in any way possible and I'm not good at asking for help or even taking it when offered but I love giving it. I had a friend tell me that she thought I might be going through this so I could help someone else down the road. I guess like the "Pay It Forward" theory. It would be good if there were a purpose to all this. 8-) I'm not sure doing the coffee cart at the cancer center would be enough...I could care less about the coffee cart when they bring it around but the conversation of hope that I got from the coffee cart lady (Lauren) was immeasurable so maybe helping with the coffee cart isn't so much about the food stuffs but the reaching out. I could do that but would everyone that is going through chemo going to be receptive to my prattling about my experiences? I'll continue to muddle through these thought processes and maybe in 11 weeks, when this is all over, I'll have an answer. Pray for God to open a door where I can serve with the knowledge I've obtained.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Second Day After Chemo
Tom went into work today so that he could make up the time that he missed while taking me to get Chemo on Thursday. Bless his heart. I hate that he is having to work odd hours for me.
I figured that since he is having to work, (besides the fact that I needed to move my car since it hadn't been driven in a month) that I would tackle our shopping today by myself.
The first thing I realized is that I hadn't put any gasoline in my car since I was diagnosed with cancer in July. Yeah, that's right...JULY. Needless to say, my little car turned its "I NEED GAS" light on first thing.
I pulled into the gas station and couldn't remember how to get my gas cap open. I knew there was a button to push or pull somewhere on my car but for the life of me, I couldn't find it. Now in defense of my chemo brain....I had just bought the car in May and haven't really driven it since July. So, I pulled out the owner's manual and went in search of the release for the gas cap. I finally found it and got the tank filled up. (It was in a really strange spot...my Solara had it on the floor of the car and all I had to do was pull it up...this one was a button nearly hidden to the left of the steering wheel...way low where you had to bend down to see it...ridiculous!) I was really missing my Tom during that mess.
Then I finally got to move on to Wal-Mart. Now...Tom is usually my brain anchor while I'm on this Chemo. I don't even think he realizes it. If I'm feeling disoriented because I can't remember something, I'll prod him to help me remember. Today, I was walking around trying to remember where I was headed most of the time that I was in the store. I had a list but there were a couple of things I thought of (when I walked in) that I wanted to look at that weren't on the list. I never did get those done. (Whatever they were...lol) I mean you have to imagine the Attention Deficit Disorder that comes from Chemo Brain. You're walking in the door and you see the sign "Pharmacy" which is near the beauty stuff. So you think, oh...I need a new lipstick because mine is almost empty and then you look to your right and you see housewares and you think of something else that you might look at really quick and then you are trying to remember what your original idea was (which was the lipstick) but for the life of you, that brain cell is hiding somewhere and it is never to be found again. This goes on the entire time I'm in the store. All I can say is that I DID get everything that was on the list. HA!! Lists are my friends. 8-)
Also...I had this buggy that was just driving me over the edge. It was like it either had a flat (spin, thump, spin, thump, spin thump) or something was stuck on one of the wheels. I drove that thing all over the store and when I got to the food section, where I was looking for this particular type of jello that I like, and had run the gambit of the aisles looking for it (to no avail), that I decided that I needed to make one more sweep of the aisles but NOT WITH THAT BUGGY. I proceeded to the front of the store and tested a new buggy and transferred my goods to it and then went happily on my way to find the rest of the stuff I needed in the grocery department. Funny how much easier it was to think without that 'spin, thump, spin, thump, spin, thump' following me around. I even remembered that I needed socks and ran over to the women's department and found some.
When I left to come home, I turned on my GPS because I knew that I'd never find my way out of the parking lot without it. I finally made my way to Hwy 72 and headed home. This great sense of relief and accomplishment hit all at once. The simple things that I took for granted in the past have become huge and monumental accomplishments. I can't wait until I start taking it all for granted again. 8-) But for now, it is a good day to be me AND to be alive. 8-) In spite of all the confusion and frustration, I enjoyed taking a little time to myself outside of the house.
I figured that since he is having to work, (besides the fact that I needed to move my car since it hadn't been driven in a month) that I would tackle our shopping today by myself.
The first thing I realized is that I hadn't put any gasoline in my car since I was diagnosed with cancer in July. Yeah, that's right...JULY. Needless to say, my little car turned its "I NEED GAS" light on first thing.
I pulled into the gas station and couldn't remember how to get my gas cap open. I knew there was a button to push or pull somewhere on my car but for the life of me, I couldn't find it. Now in defense of my chemo brain....I had just bought the car in May and haven't really driven it since July. So, I pulled out the owner's manual and went in search of the release for the gas cap. I finally found it and got the tank filled up. (It was in a really strange spot...my Solara had it on the floor of the car and all I had to do was pull it up...this one was a button nearly hidden to the left of the steering wheel...way low where you had to bend down to see it...ridiculous!) I was really missing my Tom during that mess.
Then I finally got to move on to Wal-Mart. Now...Tom is usually my brain anchor while I'm on this Chemo. I don't even think he realizes it. If I'm feeling disoriented because I can't remember something, I'll prod him to help me remember. Today, I was walking around trying to remember where I was headed most of the time that I was in the store. I had a list but there were a couple of things I thought of (when I walked in) that I wanted to look at that weren't on the list. I never did get those done. (Whatever they were...lol) I mean you have to imagine the Attention Deficit Disorder that comes from Chemo Brain. You're walking in the door and you see the sign "Pharmacy" which is near the beauty stuff. So you think, oh...I need a new lipstick because mine is almost empty and then you look to your right and you see housewares and you think of something else that you might look at really quick and then you are trying to remember what your original idea was (which was the lipstick) but for the life of you, that brain cell is hiding somewhere and it is never to be found again. This goes on the entire time I'm in the store. All I can say is that I DID get everything that was on the list. HA!! Lists are my friends. 8-)
Also...I had this buggy that was just driving me over the edge. It was like it either had a flat (spin, thump, spin, thump, spin thump) or something was stuck on one of the wheels. I drove that thing all over the store and when I got to the food section, where I was looking for this particular type of jello that I like, and had run the gambit of the aisles looking for it (to no avail), that I decided that I needed to make one more sweep of the aisles but NOT WITH THAT BUGGY. I proceeded to the front of the store and tested a new buggy and transferred my goods to it and then went happily on my way to find the rest of the stuff I needed in the grocery department. Funny how much easier it was to think without that 'spin, thump, spin, thump, spin, thump' following me around. I even remembered that I needed socks and ran over to the women's department and found some.
When I left to come home, I turned on my GPS because I knew that I'd never find my way out of the parking lot without it. I finally made my way to Hwy 72 and headed home. This great sense of relief and accomplishment hit all at once. The simple things that I took for granted in the past have become huge and monumental accomplishments. I can't wait until I start taking it all for granted again. 8-) But for now, it is a good day to be me AND to be alive. 8-) In spite of all the confusion and frustration, I enjoyed taking a little time to myself outside of the house.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Stubborn Cat
Yeah...another cat story.
So, we got chill mats for our computers to cool off the CPUs. I wanted it because Shadow likes to block the outlet to the fan on the bottom of the computer because she likes to get the heat from it. She is absolutely the most stubborn cat I have ever seen. Here is her solution to my putting the computer up higher on top of the chill mat.
So...I push her off and she sneaks back up to this position.
The day after my taxotere chemo treatment is going well. I have the usual flushed cheeks from the allergic reaction to the chemo and I'm still bouncing around on steroids so today is a pretty good day. Work has been hectic today and I've got to go back and get busy but I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm doing OK today.
Hope everyone out there in the real world is having a great day! 8-)
So, we got chill mats for our computers to cool off the CPUs. I wanted it because Shadow likes to block the outlet to the fan on the bottom of the computer because she likes to get the heat from it. She is absolutely the most stubborn cat I have ever seen. Here is her solution to my putting the computer up higher on top of the chill mat.
So...I push her off and she sneaks back up to this position.
The day after my taxotere chemo treatment is going well. I have the usual flushed cheeks from the allergic reaction to the chemo and I'm still bouncing around on steroids so today is a pretty good day. Work has been hectic today and I've got to go back and get busy but I just wanted to touch base with everyone and say that I'm doing OK today.
Hope everyone out there in the real world is having a great day! 8-)
Thursday, November 4, 2010
In The Chair Again
I got Kendra as my nurse again for my chemo today...YEAH!! I am in chair number six. That is a higher number chair than last time for whatever that is worth. It just makes me feel 'more special' if I have a number closer to number 1...HA. This is my last taxotere treatment. It took FOREVER to see the doctor this morning. He saw eight patients before he even got to me. My appointment was for eight forty and I didn't see him until nine fifty.
This really nice lady named Lauren was helping with the food cart today. (They bring snacks and drinks around to us if we want them during chemo.) She had really short hair and she shared with me that she had just completed her chemo treatments for breast cancer. She really gave me hope when I looked at her and all that hair she had on her head. I have the nightmares of never being able to grow hair again after this is over. It's silly, I know but I really don't have a lot of control over my dreams at night...lol. I guess they often express some of our deepest fears and fantasies that go on in our subconscious. (Yeah, I'm not going down the fantasy road in this blog world. You're welcome...LOL)
I told the doctor about my double vision and he has ordered an MRI for next week. I hate that I am claustrophobic and will need medicine for them to stick me in that machine so Tom will have to drive me. This means more time away from work for him. If I could do it without him, I certainly would.
I know exactly what to expect now for the next three weeks, and it's funny, but it doesn't make it any easier. I really think it should but it doesn't. In fact, I am just about a basket case because I do know what to expect. I just keep my mantra going..."God is in Control...God Loves me...God is in Control...God Loves me."
I have my first AC chemo treatment the day before Thanksgiving. My husband says we will celebrate Thanksgiving after this is all over in February. I am good with that. I guess we may as well wait until then for Christmas and the New Year too. HA!!
I am back home now. All went well at the Cancer Center. Taxotere is now complete except for the crying...HA! That means that in 11 weeks, I should be complete with all the chemo and then in thirteen weeks I will start healing from it all. I am REALLY looking forward to the healing process. 8-)
I got home and there were all these TO-DOs in my mailbox from work. I wrote my boss and told him I would get right on it and he said, "Don't tax yourself, now." All I could think was, "Then quit giving me all this work if you don't want me to tax myself." Wow...amazing. He knows I am compelled do work if it is passed down to me. WHATEVER.
Tom took me, sat with me through the treatment and took me home afterword. He is such a sweetie to give up his personal time like this for me. I told him that I thought I could drive myself to these for the Taxotere but he really seems to want to be there for me.
It isn't a bad day today except for the stress of it all. Thanks everyone for all the love and prayers. It means more to me than you can ever imagine. 8-)
This really nice lady named Lauren was helping with the food cart today. (They bring snacks and drinks around to us if we want them during chemo.) She had really short hair and she shared with me that she had just completed her chemo treatments for breast cancer. She really gave me hope when I looked at her and all that hair she had on her head. I have the nightmares of never being able to grow hair again after this is over. It's silly, I know but I really don't have a lot of control over my dreams at night...lol. I guess they often express some of our deepest fears and fantasies that go on in our subconscious. (Yeah, I'm not going down the fantasy road in this blog world. You're welcome...LOL)
I told the doctor about my double vision and he has ordered an MRI for next week. I hate that I am claustrophobic and will need medicine for them to stick me in that machine so Tom will have to drive me. This means more time away from work for him. If I could do it without him, I certainly would.
I know exactly what to expect now for the next three weeks, and it's funny, but it doesn't make it any easier. I really think it should but it doesn't. In fact, I am just about a basket case because I do know what to expect. I just keep my mantra going..."God is in Control...God Loves me...God is in Control...God Loves me."
I have my first AC chemo treatment the day before Thanksgiving. My husband says we will celebrate Thanksgiving after this is all over in February. I am good with that. I guess we may as well wait until then for Christmas and the New Year too. HA!!
I am back home now. All went well at the Cancer Center. Taxotere is now complete except for the crying...HA! That means that in 11 weeks, I should be complete with all the chemo and then in thirteen weeks I will start healing from it all. I am REALLY looking forward to the healing process. 8-)
I got home and there were all these TO-DOs in my mailbox from work. I wrote my boss and told him I would get right on it and he said, "Don't tax yourself, now." All I could think was, "Then quit giving me all this work if you don't want me to tax myself." Wow...amazing. He knows I am compelled do work if it is passed down to me. WHATEVER.
Tom took me, sat with me through the treatment and took me home afterword. He is such a sweetie to give up his personal time like this for me. I told him that I thought I could drive myself to these for the Taxotere but he really seems to want to be there for me.
It isn't a bad day today except for the stress of it all. Thanks everyone for all the love and prayers. It means more to me than you can ever imagine. 8-)
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Remembrances of People I Love
I have a card (that a pastor from our old church in Navarre gave me) stuck to the door on the hutch to my desk. (It actually is in a sleeve that you can stick to things. The glue is pretty much worn out on the back of the sleeve, but I have it wedged in between the glass and wood of the hutch door.) Of course, it is a bible verse (what else would Pastor Moritz have given me?). It says, "Trust in Him at all times, ye people; pour out your heart before Him. God is a refuge for us." It comes from Psalm 62:8. Under it it says "A reminder from Bob and Shirley Moritz". It's been up there for probably 7 years. When I am feeling tossed about and out of control, I find myself reading that and getting comfort.
We never know how the things that we give to others might help them from one time to the next. I am not usually a keeper of 'things' but every once in a while I get a nugget like that one that feeds my soul and lifts my spirit.
I also have a picture of my son, from when he was about 12, wedged into the other door to the hutch. He has the largest, sweetest eyes and a precious grin on his face. I love to look at that picture and remember when he was smaller and needed me in the way that only children need their moms. He never went through the terrible teens. He was always a quiet child as though he was thinking about things before he would ever speak. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't perfect and he is making some of the usual mistakes in adulthood that I made but that's ok. He has to learn from his own mistakes. I know that I certainly learned from mine. 8-)
He wanted to come home and take care of me when I was first diagnosed but I had to explain to him that this was going to go on for months...there was no way he could come and stay that long. I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to though. He sends me a text message about every other day asking how I am. He has a good heart.
We had a psychologist tell us once that a child's brain isn't fully developed until it is 25. I believe that to be true. We have seen a great increase in maturity in our son this year. He just turned 25 in August.
I have other things that I enjoy that people have given me as well. Mom mom gives me the most unique gifts. My house is filled with them but one in particular that I see everyday is a little turtle that states on the underside of its shell that it is from the Loose Neck Collection. Here is a picture of it since there is no way I can explain it very clearly. When you touch it's head, it wobbles around. Very cute and colorful (like my Mom).
My sister gave me a gift of two girl statues (many years ago) and when you put them together, they are holding hands. A representation of she and I. (See Carol, I got the symbolism...lol) She is the one whose hands are on the outside because she had to always be in charge. 8-) I guess older sisters are just like that. I look at these figurines and think of her often.
My son, mom, and sister are living in different states so I don't see them often and I like to have these little reminders of them sitting around where I can reflect on the way our lives have been woven together and apart over the years. They are all little reminders that I am loved. 8-)
I have many gifts from my husband but the best one is his heart. He continues to give daily with that gift. I am truly thankful for all our years together. There is no one in the world that I would rather have by my side with all the struggles that we are currently facing.
We never know how the things that we give to others might help them from one time to the next. I am not usually a keeper of 'things' but every once in a while I get a nugget like that one that feeds my soul and lifts my spirit.
I also have a picture of my son, from when he was about 12, wedged into the other door to the hutch. He has the largest, sweetest eyes and a precious grin on his face. I love to look at that picture and remember when he was smaller and needed me in the way that only children need their moms. He never went through the terrible teens. He was always a quiet child as though he was thinking about things before he would ever speak. Don't get me wrong...he wasn't perfect and he is making some of the usual mistakes in adulthood that I made but that's ok. He has to learn from his own mistakes. I know that I certainly learned from mine. 8-)
He wanted to come home and take care of me when I was first diagnosed but I had to explain to him that this was going to go on for months...there was no way he could come and stay that long. I thought it was really sweet that he wanted to though. He sends me a text message about every other day asking how I am. He has a good heart.
We had a psychologist tell us once that a child's brain isn't fully developed until it is 25. I believe that to be true. We have seen a great increase in maturity in our son this year. He just turned 25 in August.
I have other things that I enjoy that people have given me as well. Mom mom gives me the most unique gifts. My house is filled with them but one in particular that I see everyday is a little turtle that states on the underside of its shell that it is from the Loose Neck Collection. Here is a picture of it since there is no way I can explain it very clearly. When you touch it's head, it wobbles around. Very cute and colorful (like my Mom).
My sister gave me a gift of two girl statues (many years ago) and when you put them together, they are holding hands. A representation of she and I. (See Carol, I got the symbolism...lol) She is the one whose hands are on the outside because she had to always be in charge. 8-) I guess older sisters are just like that. I look at these figurines and think of her often.
My son, mom, and sister are living in different states so I don't see them often and I like to have these little reminders of them sitting around where I can reflect on the way our lives have been woven together and apart over the years. They are all little reminders that I am loved. 8-)
I have many gifts from my husband but the best one is his heart. He continues to give daily with that gift. I am truly thankful for all our years together. There is no one in the world that I would rather have by my side with all the struggles that we are currently facing.
Monday, November 1, 2010
Starbuck's Habit
I told Tom not to get me Starbuck's Coffee this morning. I've been getting Starbuck's every morning (during the work week) for over three years now. It is a comfort food because it is flavorful and creamy and just plain old yummy. I don't really need it though. I have found in my life that I get into habits (some good and some bad) and I can always break them and move on. Sometimes it is painful and sometimes it is just a redirecting of my thought processes.
Of course, he sends me an email saying how strange it was for him not to get me Starbuck's this morning. (He's been doing that while I am going through Chemo treatments and working from home.) He's not worried about me not having it so much as he is scared for the cat, he states, "If I find a cat, torn to shreds, with fur all over the house, I will know that I should have gotten you Starbucks this morning." Funny guy. I will have everyone know that the cat is currently sitting in front of the office window enjoying watching the birds. I haven't laid a hand on her.
Of course, the day is early yet...(Muwah hah hah)
Of course, he sends me an email saying how strange it was for him not to get me Starbuck's this morning. (He's been doing that while I am going through Chemo treatments and working from home.) He's not worried about me not having it so much as he is scared for the cat, he states, "If I find a cat, torn to shreds, with fur all over the house, I will know that I should have gotten you Starbucks this morning." Funny guy. I will have everyone know that the cat is currently sitting in front of the office window enjoying watching the birds. I haven't laid a hand on her.
Sunday, October 31, 2010
Another Fine Day
Today was another fine day. We watched Everybody Loves Raymond while we ate lunch and we got the curtains hung (finally). They make the room much more cozy. Below is a picture of the finished product.
You can also see in this picture that I haven't killed Dub's funeral plant yet. See...miracles do happen. HA!
I really enjoyed the grocery store this afternoon. I got to pick out fruits that I wanted. I am very much a whimsical fruit shopper. It is hard for me to say, "Pick me up 4 pears" if I don't know if their pears look good for that particular day. Buying peaches is all about smell to me. If they don't smell like peaches, I don't want them. Apples, anyone can buy. You just make sure they aren't beat up but I'm not so crazy about apples. Grapes are easy so I've had a lot of grapes lately. We got some Talapia to cook for tonight as well as all the other food we would need for the next few days.
I've been having some double vision I need to ask the doctor about. It comes and goes and just started last night. This is the first time this has happened and I'm not really sure it is the chemo since it should be all out of my system by now. I've had a lot of headaches and now this double vision...kinda weird. I am beginning to feel like a hypochondriac with all these complaints...lol. I'm just 'journaling' it in this blog so that I remember when it happened.
Not much else going on here today. Hope everyone is having a great day!
I really enjoyed the grocery store this afternoon. I got to pick out fruits that I wanted. I am very much a whimsical fruit shopper. It is hard for me to say, "Pick me up 4 pears" if I don't know if their pears look good for that particular day. Buying peaches is all about smell to me. If they don't smell like peaches, I don't want them. Apples, anyone can buy. You just make sure they aren't beat up but I'm not so crazy about apples. Grapes are easy so I've had a lot of grapes lately. We got some Talapia to cook for tonight as well as all the other food we would need for the next few days.
I've been having some double vision I need to ask the doctor about. It comes and goes and just started last night. This is the first time this has happened and I'm not really sure it is the chemo since it should be all out of my system by now. I've had a lot of headaches and now this double vision...kinda weird. I am beginning to feel like a hypochondriac with all these complaints...lol. I'm just 'journaling' it in this blog so that I remember when it happened.
Not much else going on here today. Hope everyone is having a great day!
Saturday, October 30, 2010
Out in the World...
I am out in the WORLD!
We are zipping down the highway and the sun is shining and the air is crisp...my husband is yelling at the idiots...it just doesn't get any better than this.
I love technology...here we are driving along and I get to blog at the same time.
We are headed to Target to use my fifty dollar gift card towards a new curtain rod for the living room. I got the gift card from Boeing for taking the wellness survey. We'll probably go to Walmart and then Publix after Target. I know this doesn't sound like much to you guys but I've been stuck in the house for fifteen days. I'm bustin' out...breakin' free...runnin' loose...well, you get the picture.
We are almost there. I will get back to you guys later.
LATER...MUCH LATER...
So...we made it to Target and after a couple of hours there, I felt like a whipped dog. I found a couple of new hats to wear, a new scarf, the curtain rod I actually went after and a couple of computer games for almost nothing. Tom found some new sneakers, a computer game that he liked, and we both found a LAP Chill Mat for our computers since they seem to get so hot lately. (I guess we're just burning them up playing Farmville...HA!) I think mine is hot because Shadow insists on laying right next to the place where the fan cools it off. I swear she just lays there and intentionally blocks the outlet. I love her more than the computer so I usually don't say anything. She IS 63 in human years so I know it just must feel good to her old bones.
We went on to Walmart and then we were going to go to Publix but after 4 hours out on the town I didn't have anything left to give. We came on home instead of doing Publix and I made some vegetable soup for us and I feel much better now. Maybe we will do Publix tomorrow. So much for all that ZIP I had when I started out...LOL.
It's been a really fun day today and we have nacho chips planned for supper tonight so that will be an easy fix. 8-)
I would usually have had my hair/nail appointment today but I had to let Nancy know that there wasn't anything left of my nails to work on. The chemo has really attacked them this round and both toes and fingers are painful so I guess until all this is over, I don't get to have my fun with Nancy. She is such a sweetheart. I apologized to her for not being able to keep the appointment and she said not to be sorry to her. She felt bad that I was in pain. I just love that girl. I hope she'll still have time to work on my hair and nails when I get them all back.
That's about it for now...Hope everyone else is having a great day too!!
We are zipping down the highway and the sun is shining and the air is crisp...my husband is yelling at the idiots...it just doesn't get any better than this.
I love technology...here we are driving along and I get to blog at the same time.
We are headed to Target to use my fifty dollar gift card towards a new curtain rod for the living room. I got the gift card from Boeing for taking the wellness survey. We'll probably go to Walmart and then Publix after Target. I know this doesn't sound like much to you guys but I've been stuck in the house for fifteen days. I'm bustin' out...breakin' free...runnin' loose...well, you get the picture.
We are almost there. I will get back to you guys later.
LATER...MUCH LATER...
So...we made it to Target and after a couple of hours there, I felt like a whipped dog. I found a couple of new hats to wear, a new scarf, the curtain rod I actually went after and a couple of computer games for almost nothing. Tom found some new sneakers, a computer game that he liked, and we both found a LAP Chill Mat for our computers since they seem to get so hot lately. (I guess we're just burning them up playing Farmville...HA!) I think mine is hot because Shadow insists on laying right next to the place where the fan cools it off. I swear she just lays there and intentionally blocks the outlet. I love her more than the computer so I usually don't say anything. She IS 63 in human years so I know it just must feel good to her old bones.
We went on to Walmart and then we were going to go to Publix but after 4 hours out on the town I didn't have anything left to give. We came on home instead of doing Publix and I made some vegetable soup for us and I feel much better now. Maybe we will do Publix tomorrow. So much for all that ZIP I had when I started out...LOL.
It's been a really fun day today and we have nacho chips planned for supper tonight so that will be an easy fix. 8-)
I would usually have had my hair/nail appointment today but I had to let Nancy know that there wasn't anything left of my nails to work on. The chemo has really attacked them this round and both toes and fingers are painful so I guess until all this is over, I don't get to have my fun with Nancy. She is such a sweetheart. I apologized to her for not being able to keep the appointment and she said not to be sorry to her. She felt bad that I was in pain. I just love that girl. I hope she'll still have time to work on my hair and nails when I get them all back.
That's about it for now...Hope everyone else is having a great day too!!
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Good Week
So, this what I call "The Good Week".
This is the third week after chemo. It is obvious that my white and red cells have regenerated. My energy level is up and my desire to live has risen as well. Tom is home today and we've been spring cleaning (even though it is fall) because my allergies have been so bad and because it just needs to be done.
Since the new curtains have arrived, we also cleaned the living room windows and blinds. All the windows need cleaning but my energy only goes so far. HA! When we're done, all the furniture will be dusted and the floors cleaned. I always feel so much better when I at least get that much cleaned. (Yeah, I still have a bit of 'must be clean' phobia...but that's not really so bad, is it?)
Tom is so tolerant of my wants...I say, "Would you like to clean the outside of the living room windows?" and he honestly replies, "No...but I will if that is what you want me to do." I just adore this guy. Of course, it isn't enough that he does it, he has to do it MY way. 8-) Over the years, he has learned this and patiently waits for me to direct. He has a mind of his own, believe me, but he does pick his battles. 8-) Of course, sometimes, he forges on with what he THINKS I want done and sometimes I bite my tongue and sometimes I tell him what I really want him to do. This has always been a sore point between us and I try to bite my tongue more often than not. During the third week after chemo it is pretty safe for him to forge on because I am actually able to bite my tongue and let him. Week one or week two after chemo...nope...not so much. No real control during those weeks so we don't plan on doing much 'together' during that time. I pretty much hole up as far away from him as I can get so I don't do irreparable damage to our relationship. He is my life. I would really HATE to run him off.
This is Thaiday Friday. Which means it's Friday and we eat Thai tonight. I'll actually get to taste it this week. Tomorrow we are going shopping and that will be a fun day. I still need to find the curtain rod that will fit the living room windows. We also need to get the regular stuff to survive next week with. You know....the boring shopping of sundry items and groceries. Not so boring to me right now. I get to SEE PEOPLE out in the world. WHOO WHOO!! I always hated shopping before but now I just see it as an opportunity to get out of these four walls.
So, this is my Good Week. I'm definitely going to make the most of it but at the same time follow all the 'clean' routines of washing my hands often and staying out of large congregations of people.
Remember I talked about our change in health care for next year? Along with the changes, we have a requirement to do a "Boeing Wellness" survey. Once you complete the survey, they tell you where your health problems lie. HA HA HA...I am rolling here. My one really bad area is stress. NO KIDDING. So, I have to go through a 4 week program addressing my stressors. First stress tip they give me "Be selfish. No matter how busy you are, set aside at least a few minutes for yourself everyday." They have no idea. I am totally selfish right now...don't think that's gonna make a difference. HA! How do you get rid of the stressors of Cancer...yeah...they aren't really looking at us as individuals...we are just Dilbert numbers. Cattle in a cattle feed line. This is TOO FUNNY.
So, now I am going through the "Learning to react to life stressors in a healthy way" section. Here are the strategies.
Eating a healthy diet and getting regular exercise and plenty of sleep.
Practicing relaxation techniques
Fostering healthy friendships
Having a sense of humor
Seeking professional counseling when needed
I've covered all of those except the last one. Since this really is a short term stressor, I think I can make it without bringing in the professionals. LOL
OK, enough prattling on for today.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
This is the third week after chemo. It is obvious that my white and red cells have regenerated. My energy level is up and my desire to live has risen as well. Tom is home today and we've been spring cleaning (even though it is fall) because my allergies have been so bad and because it just needs to be done.
Since the new curtains have arrived, we also cleaned the living room windows and blinds. All the windows need cleaning but my energy only goes so far. HA! When we're done, all the furniture will be dusted and the floors cleaned. I always feel so much better when I at least get that much cleaned. (Yeah, I still have a bit of 'must be clean' phobia...but that's not really so bad, is it?)
Tom is so tolerant of my wants...I say, "Would you like to clean the outside of the living room windows?" and he honestly replies, "No...but I will if that is what you want me to do." I just adore this guy. Of course, it isn't enough that he does it, he has to do it MY way. 8-) Over the years, he has learned this and patiently waits for me to direct. He has a mind of his own, believe me, but he does pick his battles. 8-) Of course, sometimes, he forges on with what he THINKS I want done and sometimes I bite my tongue and sometimes I tell him what I really want him to do. This has always been a sore point between us and I try to bite my tongue more often than not. During the third week after chemo it is pretty safe for him to forge on because I am actually able to bite my tongue and let him. Week one or week two after chemo...nope...not so much. No real control during those weeks so we don't plan on doing much 'together' during that time. I pretty much hole up as far away from him as I can get so I don't do irreparable damage to our relationship. He is my life. I would really HATE to run him off.
This is Thaiday Friday. Which means it's Friday and we eat Thai tonight. I'll actually get to taste it this week. Tomorrow we are going shopping and that will be a fun day. I still need to find the curtain rod that will fit the living room windows. We also need to get the regular stuff to survive next week with. You know....the boring shopping of sundry items and groceries. Not so boring to me right now. I get to SEE PEOPLE out in the world. WHOO WHOO!! I always hated shopping before but now I just see it as an opportunity to get out of these four walls.
So, this is my Good Week. I'm definitely going to make the most of it but at the same time follow all the 'clean' routines of washing my hands often and staying out of large congregations of people.
Remember I talked about our change in health care for next year? Along with the changes, we have a requirement to do a "Boeing Wellness" survey. Once you complete the survey, they tell you where your health problems lie. HA HA HA...I am rolling here. My one really bad area is stress. NO KIDDING. So, I have to go through a 4 week program addressing my stressors. First stress tip they give me "Be selfish. No matter how busy you are, set aside at least a few minutes for yourself everyday." They have no idea. I am totally selfish right now...don't think that's gonna make a difference. HA! How do you get rid of the stressors of Cancer...yeah...they aren't really looking at us as individuals...we are just Dilbert numbers. Cattle in a cattle feed line. This is TOO FUNNY.
So, now I am going through the "Learning to react to life stressors in a healthy way" section. Here are the strategies.
Eating a healthy diet and getting regular exercise and plenty of sleep.
Practicing relaxation techniques
Fostering healthy friendships
Having a sense of humor
Seeking professional counseling when needed
I've covered all of those except the last one. Since this really is a short term stressor, I think I can make it without bringing in the professionals. LOL
OK, enough prattling on for today.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Babbling...
Today is an overcast day outside but everything inside feels good.
I worked out on the treadmill for an hour this morning. Got all my blood circulating through my body, encouraging it to regenerate the good cells that I need again so I can go fry them in a week. HA! It does leave me feeling like I have accomplished something today though and I think that is important. Every day should have some kind of accomplishment to it. Otherwise, why am I here?
Next week will be my last Taxotere chemo and I will be halfway done. Yeah ME!
We finished eating our apple pie and ice cream last night and that was kinda sad. While I complained that he didn't get the right kind of pie stuff...it turned out excellent anyway. YEAH TOM!! We're having a Mexican casserole tonight which will be yummy. (See how I go from exercising right to food...HA!) But no more dessert this week. I don't want to totally sabotage all the weight we lost last year.
We had two terrible storms hit here yesterday. (Yeah, I can't believe I'm talking about the weather either.) They had tornado watches all afternoon and the kids got out of school for half a day. (Can you believe they get out of school for storms??) There are leaves and sticks all over the back yard today. I thought I would put a picture of it in here, but you really can't see the leaves and sticks as much as I thought you would be able to. I'll put the picture in anyway since I went to all the trouble to go out there and click the picture for you. I think the leaves are hard to see because the grass is going brown too. I am looking out my office window and I see the yellow and orange and brown leaves so clearly. Yeah, I know...why don't I take a picture out of my office window. Well, I didn't think of it, the batteries are dead, and now I'm too lazy to walk back to the bedroom closet and get more for it. I'll save that for tomorrow's accomplishment! HA!!
I was just thinking that this is so much like letter writing in the old days. Just keeping in touch with what is going on in our lives. Think about the amazement that might come from someone from the 1800's if they saw this technology. They waited weeks for letters from loved ones and they rarely had pictures. How blessed we are (and cursed sometimes, I think) to live in these times of technological advancement.
I was just chatting with a friend online and she was telling me she already has her Christmas shopping done but needs to wrap it all. HOW WRONG IS THAT? She was complaining about how she hates to wrap. I told her I love to wrap...hate to shop. She says she'll shop for me if I wrap for her. Sounds like a cool deal except I haven't a clue what I am going to get people this year. Everyone needs to send me an email with what they want this year. (tnt1799@bellsouth.net) That would be a fine thing to get done soon. That would be a great accomplishment. WELL, that would be a bit of a miracle...
I worked out on the treadmill for an hour this morning. Got all my blood circulating through my body, encouraging it to regenerate the good cells that I need again so I can go fry them in a week. HA! It does leave me feeling like I have accomplished something today though and I think that is important. Every day should have some kind of accomplishment to it. Otherwise, why am I here?
Next week will be my last Taxotere chemo and I will be halfway done. Yeah ME!
We finished eating our apple pie and ice cream last night and that was kinda sad. While I complained that he didn't get the right kind of pie stuff...it turned out excellent anyway. YEAH TOM!! We're having a Mexican casserole tonight which will be yummy. (See how I go from exercising right to food...HA!) But no more dessert this week. I don't want to totally sabotage all the weight we lost last year.
We had two terrible storms hit here yesterday. (Yeah, I can't believe I'm talking about the weather either.) They had tornado watches all afternoon and the kids got out of school for half a day. (Can you believe they get out of school for storms??) There are leaves and sticks all over the back yard today. I thought I would put a picture of it in here, but you really can't see the leaves and sticks as much as I thought you would be able to. I'll put the picture in anyway since I went to all the trouble to go out there and click the picture for you. I think the leaves are hard to see because the grass is going brown too. I am looking out my office window and I see the yellow and orange and brown leaves so clearly. Yeah, I know...why don't I take a picture out of my office window. Well, I didn't think of it, the batteries are dead, and now I'm too lazy to walk back to the bedroom closet and get more for it. I'll save that for tomorrow's accomplishment! HA!!
I was just thinking that this is so much like letter writing in the old days. Just keeping in touch with what is going on in our lives. Think about the amazement that might come from someone from the 1800's if they saw this technology. They waited weeks for letters from loved ones and they rarely had pictures. How blessed we are (and cursed sometimes, I think) to live in these times of technological advancement.
I was just chatting with a friend online and she was telling me she already has her Christmas shopping done but needs to wrap it all. HOW WRONG IS THAT? She was complaining about how she hates to wrap. I told her I love to wrap...hate to shop. She says she'll shop for me if I wrap for her. Sounds like a cool deal except I haven't a clue what I am going to get people this year. Everyone needs to send me an email with what they want this year. (tnt1799@bellsouth.net) That would be a fine thing to get done soon. That would be a great accomplishment. WELL, that would be a bit of a miracle...
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
All Systems are GO!
All systems are 'Go' today.
Temperature - Check
Headache - Check
Neck Pain - Check
Stomach - Check
Energy Level - Check
Hormone Imbalance/Grouchiness - Check
Bone Pain - Check
Tooth Pain - Check
Looks like it is a good day to get something done. There is a wonderful sweet breeze blowing through the house. (Shadow insisted I open the windows this morning. You have no idea how annoyingly she can insist on things being the way SHE wants them. She has gotten much worse about complaining as she has gotten older.) The breeze in the house smells like the new promise of life. WONDERFUL!!
Of course, now that most of the windows are open, she picked the guest bedroom where they aren't open to park herself. She cracks me up!!
That blanket that she is laying on used to be folded perfectly so that I could use it when I got cold (I sit back in that bedroom when my energy is low because I have a computer table in there and I can rest my neck and back while I work. She decided on Sunday, when I put it out, that it was her blanket and she proceeded to open it up so that she could lay on the underside of it. I changed all the blankets in there over the weekend to get her cat hair out of the room. I have to do that periodically.
My new living room curtains (I say new but there haven't ever been any in there before so it isn't like they are replacing existing ones) are arriving today according to an email I got yesterday. I don't have the rod yet though. We are DEFINITELY going shopping this weekend for a new rod and maybe some other fun things too. I'm going to dance in the stores...Just three more days. I am now on day 13 after my chemo so tomorrow should be the last of the low blood counts and then I'll be free as a bird ready to fly through the rest of the world for a whole week.
Hope everyone else is having as good a day as I am. (Hope you guys can keep up with my emotional roller-coaster ride...HA!)
Temperature - Check
Headache - Check
Neck Pain - Check
Stomach - Check
Energy Level - Check
Hormone Imbalance/Grouchiness - Check
Bone Pain - Check
Tooth Pain - Check
Looks like it is a good day to get something done. There is a wonderful sweet breeze blowing through the house. (Shadow insisted I open the windows this morning. You have no idea how annoyingly she can insist on things being the way SHE wants them. She has gotten much worse about complaining as she has gotten older.) The breeze in the house smells like the new promise of life. WONDERFUL!!
Of course, now that most of the windows are open, she picked the guest bedroom where they aren't open to park herself. She cracks me up!!
My new living room curtains (I say new but there haven't ever been any in there before so it isn't like they are replacing existing ones) are arriving today according to an email I got yesterday. I don't have the rod yet though. We are DEFINITELY going shopping this weekend for a new rod and maybe some other fun things too. I'm going to dance in the stores...Just three more days. I am now on day 13 after my chemo so tomorrow should be the last of the low blood counts and then I'll be free as a bird ready to fly through the rest of the world for a whole week.
Hope everyone else is having as good a day as I am. (Hope you guys can keep up with my emotional roller-coaster ride...HA!)
Monday, October 25, 2010
Down Down Down...
I'll admit it. I'm a little depressed.
OK, I am crying at the drop of a hat. I guess I am a lot depressed. I mean...I am talking to the funniest guy at work and I am sitting there crying. (He doesn't know he's making me cry...I mean, we are in an Instant Message and he can't see what I'm doing.) What is up with all the tears?
I still think it is something I can handle without meds though. I think the fact that this is a getting hard for my husband is making it something I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to be the reason for him to get down and frustrated. (Not that I couldn't do that to him without chemo...HA!) If I could just control the way I react to everything, I think he would feel better and then I would feel better.
So, I know the answer to all this. Why can't I do it?
If you pray for anything this week, pray that I will temper my responses to Tom and not be so picky about everything. I have to do better about that. I need to be strong for him so he can be strong for me.
I think it is a need to feel in control of something in my life. I don't feel like I have control of anything. I called the Surgeon's office this morning to cancel my appointment with the surgeon because I don't want to go through the analyzing of the fluid in the cyst in my left breast. She says she'll talk to the doctor but he will probably still want to do it. WHAT IS THAT? They can't MAKE me do the biopsy. I tried to explain in the nicest way possible that I DIDN'T WANT the fluid analyzed. She told me that she is not a medical expert and she would leave that decision up to the doctors to discuss. (Apparently the surgeon and my cancer doc have to discuss all this before I can really get out of it?) WHATEVER. I thought I had a choice. She also made me promise that I would tell the cancer doctor that I had canceled the appointment. (I felt like a first grader promising the teacher that I would do my homework.) I have no problem telling the cancer doctor I don't want the fluid analyzed. I don't even have a problem telling him I've had enough of chemo.
I got a call from the radiation guy too. He wants to know if I'm ready to start the radiation. I told him maybe in January if I'm lucky. He said they would call back in January. Boy...nobody wants to miss a piece of this action, huh? They must hear "CHA-CHING" every time they think of me. HA!
So, it's kind of a down week but I am going to work on making it a better one. 8-)
Hope everyone is having a great day!
OK, I am crying at the drop of a hat. I guess I am a lot depressed. I mean...I am talking to the funniest guy at work and I am sitting there crying. (He doesn't know he's making me cry...I mean, we are in an Instant Message and he can't see what I'm doing.) What is up with all the tears?
I still think it is something I can handle without meds though. I think the fact that this is a getting hard for my husband is making it something I don't want to do anymore. I don't want to be the reason for him to get down and frustrated. (Not that I couldn't do that to him without chemo...HA!) If I could just control the way I react to everything, I think he would feel better and then I would feel better.
So, I know the answer to all this. Why can't I do it?
If you pray for anything this week, pray that I will temper my responses to Tom and not be so picky about everything. I have to do better about that. I need to be strong for him so he can be strong for me.
I think it is a need to feel in control of something in my life. I don't feel like I have control of anything. I called the Surgeon's office this morning to cancel my appointment with the surgeon because I don't want to go through the analyzing of the fluid in the cyst in my left breast. She says she'll talk to the doctor but he will probably still want to do it. WHAT IS THAT? They can't MAKE me do the biopsy. I tried to explain in the nicest way possible that I DIDN'T WANT the fluid analyzed. She told me that she is not a medical expert and she would leave that decision up to the doctors to discuss. (Apparently the surgeon and my cancer doc have to discuss all this before I can really get out of it?) WHATEVER. I thought I had a choice. She also made me promise that I would tell the cancer doctor that I had canceled the appointment. (I felt like a first grader promising the teacher that I would do my homework.) I have no problem telling the cancer doctor I don't want the fluid analyzed. I don't even have a problem telling him I've had enough of chemo.
I got a call from the radiation guy too. He wants to know if I'm ready to start the radiation. I told him maybe in January if I'm lucky. He said they would call back in January. Boy...nobody wants to miss a piece of this action, huh? They must hear "CHA-CHING" every time they think of me. HA!
So, it's kind of a down week but I am going to work on making it a better one. 8-)
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Blogging Defeat
Probably the first sin in blogging is admitting that you have nothing to blog about.
THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT BLOGGING DEFEAT
I think I have reached the point where I have come full circle in my chemo cycle and I really have nothing new to tell you about. Oops.
I have no life, so there isn't anything exciting going on here. Well, I did just make up a grocery list for Tom to take to the store...whoo whoo...that was exciting (HEAVY sarcasm here). Although, I did put something new and exciting on it. I put the stuff on there to make an apple pie and added vanilla ice cream to it too. That is my comfort food for this week.
I won't be leaving the house until next weekend and except for bathing our fat cat yesterday, nothing else happened yesterday except for my moaning and groaning about no energy and pain in my body. Yeah...that's not too good as blog material. Although, I could have put a picture of my fat wet cat on the blog, I won't embarrass her that way. 8-)
I'm still waiting for my sister to update her blog (She hasn't updated since Sept 5th...and it still has a title of "6 More Days" which references my Niece's wedding which happened on Sept 11th. My sister's family all have blogs but they are too busy living life to update their blogs...lol. Someday, I'll be there again. I can't wait. In the meantime, guys, I am bored and looking for what is going on in your lives. I am really surprised that my sister didn't put something on her blog about passing her certification to be a Registered Sanitarian! Hey, you missed an opportunity there. (Of course, she called me which was way better than reading her blog!) She's got this genius IQ and, after raising all her children and passing on all her smarts there, she decided to do something else with it. Yeah, CAROL!
Of course, my Mom does get her blog updated a couple of times a week so I always know what is going on there. 8-) She leads such a busy life it makes me tired.
My husband was in a bad mood for a nanosecond this morning. I said something to him, he snapped my head off and I asked him what was wrong (I mostly asked because it really surprised me. He almost never gets like that and I hadn't done anything this morning to provoke it. [Well, nothing that my chemo brain could remember, anyway]). He said nothing and then said that he didn't know. He must be having house-itis too...HA. (Or...he could be getting tired of me whining...NAH...that can't be it. LOL) I'm glad he's getting out and going shopping. You know this cancer thing is as hard on Tom as it is on me. He got over his snappiness pretty quickly though....he is amazing like that.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! It's so beautiful here we're going to grill steaks later today. 8-)
THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT BLOGGING DEFEAT
I think I have reached the point where I have come full circle in my chemo cycle and I really have nothing new to tell you about. Oops.
I have no life, so there isn't anything exciting going on here. Well, I did just make up a grocery list for Tom to take to the store...whoo whoo...that was exciting (HEAVY sarcasm here). Although, I did put something new and exciting on it. I put the stuff on there to make an apple pie and added vanilla ice cream to it too. That is my comfort food for this week.
I won't be leaving the house until next weekend and except for bathing our fat cat yesterday, nothing else happened yesterday except for my moaning and groaning about no energy and pain in my body. Yeah...that's not too good as blog material. Although, I could have put a picture of my fat wet cat on the blog, I won't embarrass her that way. 8-)
I'm still waiting for my sister to update her blog (She hasn't updated since Sept 5th...and it still has a title of "6 More Days" which references my Niece's wedding which happened on Sept 11th. My sister's family all have blogs but they are too busy living life to update their blogs...lol. Someday, I'll be there again. I can't wait. In the meantime, guys, I am bored and looking for what is going on in your lives. I am really surprised that my sister didn't put something on her blog about passing her certification to be a Registered Sanitarian! Hey, you missed an opportunity there. (Of course, she called me which was way better than reading her blog!) She's got this genius IQ and, after raising all her children and passing on all her smarts there, she decided to do something else with it. Yeah, CAROL!
Of course, my Mom does get her blog updated a couple of times a week so I always know what is going on there. 8-) She leads such a busy life it makes me tired.
My husband was in a bad mood for a nanosecond this morning. I said something to him, he snapped my head off and I asked him what was wrong (I mostly asked because it really surprised me. He almost never gets like that and I hadn't done anything this morning to provoke it. [Well, nothing that my chemo brain could remember, anyway]). He said nothing and then said that he didn't know. He must be having house-itis too...HA. (Or...he could be getting tired of me whining...NAH...that can't be it. LOL) I'm glad he's getting out and going shopping. You know this cancer thing is as hard on Tom as it is on me. He got over his snappiness pretty quickly though....he is amazing like that.
Hope everyone is having a wonderful day! It's so beautiful here we're going to grill steaks later today. 8-)
Friday, October 22, 2010
Brothers and Sisters
We have been watching the fourth season of Brothers and Sisters.
(CAUTION: Spoilers to the show if your haven't seen it yet...)
This season Kitty Walker has cancer.
They did a really good job portraying the different stages of the process. (It's funny how nearly every show now is about cancer. Tom says I'm probably just more tuned into it now.) I find myself (of course) rooting for Kitty. Saying things like, "YES...that is exactly what it's like. I'm so glad to see that others want to stop the chemo too." or "You GO writers...you did your research on that one." when Kitty says at one point that she is so full of steroids that she finds herself up in the middle of the night cleaning the entire house and her mother doesn't even realize it happened.
I found myself crying with her when she is shaving her hair off realizing again that this is just something everyone that does chemo is going through. (Hated her when she was so cute bald. Wow...they really picked the right actress to have cancer.) When her husband sees her with no hair and acts like nothing has changed and tells her she is beautiful. Only later, when he is talking to her bother, finding out that it hit him really hard and he felt he couldn't let her know how it made him realize how close to death she was. I am glad that my husband was honest and didn't try to tell me I was beautiful (even though I teased him about that during the show saying, "Why didn't you tell me I was beautiful?" HA!). I am always ever thankful for his honesty.
This show has been good for me to realize that this affects my family as much as it does me. I seem to go through each day thinking it is all about me when really, it's all about the whole family. Maybe they aren't here and they aren't really seeing the ravages to my body but they are seeing it in words and experiencing it virtually. (I'm making sure they get a fairly accurate picture here on the blog...HA!) Some, like my sister, have been going through something similar with her husband, who has Multiple Myeloma. She is a great source of strength to me and I'm sure she doesn't even realize it. Her experience keeps me remembering that others have experienced this and lived to tell tales about it...so get over myself. 8-)
I don't think they did a really good depiction of the husband's role in the show. My husband is having to handle the mean chemo drunk girl and pick up my slack around the house when I just can't do it all anymore. (Kitty is so nice and perfect to everyone through the whole thing...is it just me or is that possible for anyone to really be nice and perfect all the time while going through chemo treatments? It could be I just have flaws that others don't have...hmmm...pondering that one. NO WAY.) Tom does most all of the shopping and cleaning up after meals. Rob Lowe just continued to be a California Senator while Kitty's family took care of her. He came home every once in a while to make love to her (not seen but implied in the show) which is a plus for him but did she really care about sex while going through chemo? Considering chemo wipes out all your estrogen, it is hard to believe her libido was really into that. Other than that, it was pretty much business as usual for him. Of course, you find out later, that he was getting some mental health counseling which made me think that maybe Tom could use some of that too...I know I have to be driving him crazy with the ups and downs.
I did find myself a little jealous when the chemo wasn't working and they decided to do a stem cell transplant. One surgery and all of a sudden she is in remission. No more chemo or anything. Of course, it was a very risk filled surgery and they had to find a donor but still. POOF and she's gonna be fine.
Oh well, I just have to get through 5 more treatments and POOF, I will get to recover from it all and be fine too. Come February, I should be going around the corner into recovery too. 8-)
(CAUTION: Spoilers to the show if your haven't seen it yet...)
This season Kitty Walker has cancer.
They did a really good job portraying the different stages of the process. (It's funny how nearly every show now is about cancer. Tom says I'm probably just more tuned into it now.) I find myself (of course) rooting for Kitty. Saying things like, "YES...that is exactly what it's like. I'm so glad to see that others want to stop the chemo too." or "You GO writers...you did your research on that one." when Kitty says at one point that she is so full of steroids that she finds herself up in the middle of the night cleaning the entire house and her mother doesn't even realize it happened.
I found myself crying with her when she is shaving her hair off realizing again that this is just something everyone that does chemo is going through. (Hated her when she was so cute bald. Wow...they really picked the right actress to have cancer.) When her husband sees her with no hair and acts like nothing has changed and tells her she is beautiful. Only later, when he is talking to her bother, finding out that it hit him really hard and he felt he couldn't let her know how it made him realize how close to death she was. I am glad that my husband was honest and didn't try to tell me I was beautiful (even though I teased him about that during the show saying, "Why didn't you tell me I was beautiful?" HA!). I am always ever thankful for his honesty.
This show has been good for me to realize that this affects my family as much as it does me. I seem to go through each day thinking it is all about me when really, it's all about the whole family. Maybe they aren't here and they aren't really seeing the ravages to my body but they are seeing it in words and experiencing it virtually. (I'm making sure they get a fairly accurate picture here on the blog...HA!) Some, like my sister, have been going through something similar with her husband, who has Multiple Myeloma. She is a great source of strength to me and I'm sure she doesn't even realize it. Her experience keeps me remembering that others have experienced this and lived to tell tales about it...so get over myself. 8-)
I don't think they did a really good depiction of the husband's role in the show. My husband is having to handle the mean chemo drunk girl and pick up my slack around the house when I just can't do it all anymore. (Kitty is so nice and perfect to everyone through the whole thing...is it just me or is that possible for anyone to really be nice and perfect all the time while going through chemo treatments? It could be I just have flaws that others don't have...hmmm...pondering that one. NO WAY.) Tom does most all of the shopping and cleaning up after meals. Rob Lowe just continued to be a California Senator while Kitty's family took care of her. He came home every once in a while to make love to her (not seen but implied in the show) which is a plus for him but did she really care about sex while going through chemo? Considering chemo wipes out all your estrogen, it is hard to believe her libido was really into that. Other than that, it was pretty much business as usual for him. Of course, you find out later, that he was getting some mental health counseling which made me think that maybe Tom could use some of that too...I know I have to be driving him crazy with the ups and downs.
I did find myself a little jealous when the chemo wasn't working and they decided to do a stem cell transplant. One surgery and all of a sudden she is in remission. No more chemo or anything. Of course, it was a very risk filled surgery and they had to find a donor but still. POOF and she's gonna be fine.
Oh well, I just have to get through 5 more treatments and POOF, I will get to recover from it all and be fine too. Come February, I should be going around the corner into recovery too. 8-)
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Good News!!
It is just wrong how excited I am about to leaving the house to get a sonogram. HA!
While I dread the sonogram and any results from it, I can't wait to get in the truck and go bye-bye. (hehe...like a little baby here.)
I know that my white and red counts are very low right now because I am in nadir (Days 4-14 post chemo). I can tell my reds are low because my head hurts and my heart is beating irregularly and I am totally out of breath today. It's not as easy to tell about white counts being low. I have a small temp which may mean that I picked something up on Monday when I went to see the doctor. I'll just keep an eye on that.
BUT...I get to go outside...how cool is that? The sun is shining and the air is crisp today. I'm gonna wear my red hat and red shirt with some jeans today (I get to dress up...cool) and look all 'fally' too. I guess I'll need to wear my jacket too since it is so cool.
I got the house cleaned yesterday except for the bathrooms. I was so happy to be feeling like I could clean. When I was done, I was exhausted and my heart hurt but I was so glad to have all the floors cleaned and most everything dusted. (Yeah, there is ALWAYS more dust and cat hair than I can keep up with...) The house smelled all good and fresh and not like chemo. YEAH CLEAN!! I asked Tom if he could help with the bathrooms this weekend. He loves to clean the bathrooms...(right...lol)
I also forced myself to do 3 miles on the treadmill yesterday. By the time I went to bed everything ached. I was so glad to crawl into bed. 8-)
OK, I'm back from the sonogram. The cyst is fluid filled and nothing to worry about according to them so I am going to cancel my apt with the surgeon. I know the cancer doc said he wanted the fluid analyzed but I have cysts all the time so I don't see any reason to worry about it. If he doesn't like that I canceled it, he can remake after my next chemo treatment. Let me know if you guys think that is a bad choice. I'm really just tired of all the poking and prodding.
Tom and I stopped and got McDonald's on the way to the apt. I haven't had McDonald's fries in a year. I was actually sadly disappointed. They were hot and crisp like they should have been but all I could taste was grease. Then I was nauseous for a few minutes until my stomach accepted the grease. I guess I've flushed all that junk out of my body and now it is rebelling. I guess I should be happy about that. It doesn't make me want to eat junk now. HA!
Hope everyone is having a great day! Mine certainly got better. 8-)
While I dread the sonogram and any results from it, I can't wait to get in the truck and go bye-bye. (hehe...like a little baby here.)
I know that my white and red counts are very low right now because I am in nadir (Days 4-14 post chemo). I can tell my reds are low because my head hurts and my heart is beating irregularly and I am totally out of breath today. It's not as easy to tell about white counts being low. I have a small temp which may mean that I picked something up on Monday when I went to see the doctor. I'll just keep an eye on that.
BUT...I get to go outside...how cool is that? The sun is shining and the air is crisp today. I'm gonna wear my red hat and red shirt with some jeans today (I get to dress up...cool) and look all 'fally' too. I guess I'll need to wear my jacket too since it is so cool.
I got the house cleaned yesterday except for the bathrooms. I was so happy to be feeling like I could clean. When I was done, I was exhausted and my heart hurt but I was so glad to have all the floors cleaned and most everything dusted. (Yeah, there is ALWAYS more dust and cat hair than I can keep up with...) The house smelled all good and fresh and not like chemo. YEAH CLEAN!! I asked Tom if he could help with the bathrooms this weekend. He loves to clean the bathrooms...(right...lol)
I also forced myself to do 3 miles on the treadmill yesterday. By the time I went to bed everything ached. I was so glad to crawl into bed. 8-)
OK, I'm back from the sonogram. The cyst is fluid filled and nothing to worry about according to them so I am going to cancel my apt with the surgeon. I know the cancer doc said he wanted the fluid analyzed but I have cysts all the time so I don't see any reason to worry about it. If he doesn't like that I canceled it, he can remake after my next chemo treatment. Let me know if you guys think that is a bad choice. I'm really just tired of all the poking and prodding.
Tom and I stopped and got McDonald's on the way to the apt. I haven't had McDonald's fries in a year. I was actually sadly disappointed. They were hot and crisp like they should have been but all I could taste was grease. Then I was nauseous for a few minutes until my stomach accepted the grease. I guess I've flushed all that junk out of my body and now it is rebelling. I guess I should be happy about that. It doesn't make me want to eat junk now. HA!
Hope everyone is having a great day! Mine certainly got better. 8-)
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
What Did I Do?
When you are first diagnosed with cancer, you find you ask yourself, "What did I do that caused this?" (Over and over again because you really don't have a clue what the answer is.) Then you start looking at your life to see if you can change anything that might have caused it. Below are the top ten things that, even if they caused cancer, I probably wouldn't change. 8-)
1. Eating Ice Cream. (Wow..first thing that popped into my head...weird.)
2. When I bake pork chops in butter and season them with adobo seasoning, it leaves little particles of the seasoning cooked in the butter. After we have finished eating, I like to find those particles and eat them. I wouldn't stop doing this...(Hmm...food in the top two items....)
3. Playing on the computer. (Self explanatory)
4. Driving a car. (Although there are times when I HATE to drive, in general, I really enjoy driving and would miss it if I couldn't do it.)
5. Being married. (Sorry, honey...no refection on you that this is number 5 instead of number 1...it's just the order that it fell in my thoughts. You know you're my soul-mate.)
6. Enjoying the sunshine on my face. (I know that too much sun causes cancer but I still love that feeling on my face. Of all the things in this world, it probably makes me feel the most alive.)
7. Cooking in a microwave. (I love the way you can create miracles of food quickly in a microwave...how sad it would be to not be able to do that anymore. Oh..yeah...I fell back into food again here, didn't I? Recurring theme?)
8. Living in a house. (I really like 4 walls around me...)
9. Drinking water. (How sad would it be if water caused cancer? There's nothing like cold water when you're all hot from doing physical work.)
10. Eating steak. (Wow...food again! I love a good filet mignon barbecued out on the grill...)
I am obviously a little 'food' focused here. For the past year we have changed our diet a lot...which actually seemed to put me in better shape to handle this whole chemo routine. I lost 30 lbs from last October to March, which put me back in the green area for weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, energy, etc. It hasn't stopped us from eating ice cream though. 8-) That is our treat every day, no matter what else we aren't eating on this 'life change' diet. (The entire diet consists of eating no junk food..i.e. chips, candy, etc.) With no junk food, that left room for fruits and vegetables...go figure. We always get Thai food on Fridays and pizza one other day of the week. (Usually Saturday) You gotta have rewards! I could probably give up pizza and Thai food if they caused cancer but it would be a sad day indeed. 8-)
In the end, one never really knows what caused cancer...except God, I guess.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
1. Eating Ice Cream. (Wow..first thing that popped into my head...weird.)
2. When I bake pork chops in butter and season them with adobo seasoning, it leaves little particles of the seasoning cooked in the butter. After we have finished eating, I like to find those particles and eat them. I wouldn't stop doing this...(Hmm...food in the top two items....)
3. Playing on the computer. (Self explanatory)
4. Driving a car. (Although there are times when I HATE to drive, in general, I really enjoy driving and would miss it if I couldn't do it.)
5. Being married. (Sorry, honey...no refection on you that this is number 5 instead of number 1...it's just the order that it fell in my thoughts. You know you're my soul-mate.)
6. Enjoying the sunshine on my face. (I know that too much sun causes cancer but I still love that feeling on my face. Of all the things in this world, it probably makes me feel the most alive.)
7. Cooking in a microwave. (I love the way you can create miracles of food quickly in a microwave...how sad it would be to not be able to do that anymore. Oh..yeah...I fell back into food again here, didn't I? Recurring theme?)
8. Living in a house. (I really like 4 walls around me...)
9. Drinking water. (How sad would it be if water caused cancer? There's nothing like cold water when you're all hot from doing physical work.)
10. Eating steak. (Wow...food again! I love a good filet mignon barbecued out on the grill...)
I am obviously a little 'food' focused here. For the past year we have changed our diet a lot...which actually seemed to put me in better shape to handle this whole chemo routine. I lost 30 lbs from last October to March, which put me back in the green area for weight, blood pressure, cholesterol, energy, etc. It hasn't stopped us from eating ice cream though. 8-) That is our treat every day, no matter what else we aren't eating on this 'life change' diet. (The entire diet consists of eating no junk food..i.e. chips, candy, etc.) With no junk food, that left room for fruits and vegetables...go figure. We always get Thai food on Fridays and pizza one other day of the week. (Usually Saturday) You gotta have rewards! I could probably give up pizza and Thai food if they caused cancer but it would be a sad day indeed. 8-)
In the end, one never really knows what caused cancer...except God, I guess.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
Continued Random Musings
I've always been 'almost' a loner. I like to be by myself but I also have always liked to have no more than one close friend. I have lots of acquaintances but only one close friend at a time. I see this as being 'almost' a loner.
If I had more than one friend it seemed to get too complicated.
My husband is my closest friend and confidant. I can tell him anything (although sometimes he pulls out the "TMI" card....[too much information]). Sometimes I like to tell him too much just to see how far I can go. (Muh wah wah wah - Evil Laugh)
I have seen on TV shows how they think that 'loners' are nefarious beings...yeah, I'm not so nefarious...just selective. 8-) When I get my clearance for work, I am always afraid that my lack of friends is going to keep me from getting it but it never has so far so I guess as long as I have a long list of acquaintances then I'm ok. HA!
One thing I have learned in the last few months is that I am not as much of a loner as I thought I was.
When faced with the isolation that I am currently going through, I find myself even thinking of reaching out to get to know the neighbors.
Then I slap myself silly and move on. 8-) I like my privacy. I definitely don't want neighbors running in and out of my house when they feel like visiting. HA!
I am glad to be connecting with family again though. It isn't that we didn't connect before...we just didn't connect as much as we are now. They have become a big support system for me (whether they realize it or not) and I am glad that I can need them right now because I am normally very self-sufficient and un-needy (this is probably another word that isn't a word...) and maybe this makes them feel a little good. (or not...lol)
(TANGENT WARNING)
I got up to brush my teeth because my mouth tasted all icky after my Starbucks coffee (one of the side affects of the chemo is everything tastes weird) and was thinking that I still needed to get a soft toothbrush so that I would quit making sores in my mouth from the hard one I've got. I went into the linen closet where extra shampoos and sundry items are kept and lo and behold I found a SOFT TOOTHBRUSH. (Sorry, Tom, this was probably yours because it had our dentist's name on it and I never get one when I go because I like the ones I usually buy) How cool is THAT? So I got to brush my teeth with a nice soft toothbrush and it was like getting an early Christmas present.
(BACK ON TRACK WARNING)
OK, I lied...I have no idea how to get back to that original thought. HA!
I have this feeling that they upped my chemo treatment dosage this time. I am having much more severe reactions to it so my paranoia is kicking in. They had asked me before my treatments if I was having bone pain and I explained that since they didn't give me Neulasta last time that I didn't have bone pain. He seemed to find that hard to believe. He said the Taxotere should have caused some bone pain. I'm thinking "So, it didn't...isn't that ok?" but I'm just looking at him and not saying anything else. Now I have the bone pain all the time for the last few days. Maybe he wasn't going to be happy until I had bone pain so he upped my dose. I guess it could just be that my bones are now damaged enough after the third dose to hurt. Ah...one of the many things we'll never really know the answer to. I am also WAY more tired than the other two times. I just want to lay my widdle bald head down and sleep all the time but there is too much to get done to waste time with that. 8-}
Hope everyone is having a great day! Looks like the rest of my day is filled with 'work related' meetings.
Ugh.
If I had more than one friend it seemed to get too complicated.
My husband is my closest friend and confidant. I can tell him anything (although sometimes he pulls out the "TMI" card....[too much information]). Sometimes I like to tell him too much just to see how far I can go. (Muh wah wah wah - Evil Laugh)
I have seen on TV shows how they think that 'loners' are nefarious beings...yeah, I'm not so nefarious...just selective. 8-) When I get my clearance for work, I am always afraid that my lack of friends is going to keep me from getting it but it never has so far so I guess as long as I have a long list of acquaintances then I'm ok. HA!
One thing I have learned in the last few months is that I am not as much of a loner as I thought I was.
When faced with the isolation that I am currently going through, I find myself even thinking of reaching out to get to know the neighbors.
Then I slap myself silly and move on. 8-) I like my privacy. I definitely don't want neighbors running in and out of my house when they feel like visiting. HA!
I am glad to be connecting with family again though. It isn't that we didn't connect before...we just didn't connect as much as we are now. They have become a big support system for me (whether they realize it or not) and I am glad that I can need them right now because I am normally very self-sufficient and un-needy (this is probably another word that isn't a word...) and maybe this makes them feel a little good. (or not...lol)
(TANGENT WARNING)
I got up to brush my teeth because my mouth tasted all icky after my Starbucks coffee (one of the side affects of the chemo is everything tastes weird) and was thinking that I still needed to get a soft toothbrush so that I would quit making sores in my mouth from the hard one I've got. I went into the linen closet where extra shampoos and sundry items are kept and lo and behold I found a SOFT TOOTHBRUSH. (Sorry, Tom, this was probably yours because it had our dentist's name on it and I never get one when I go because I like the ones I usually buy) How cool is THAT? So I got to brush my teeth with a nice soft toothbrush and it was like getting an early Christmas present.
(BACK ON TRACK WARNING)
OK, I lied...I have no idea how to get back to that original thought. HA!
I have this feeling that they upped my chemo treatment dosage this time. I am having much more severe reactions to it so my paranoia is kicking in. They had asked me before my treatments if I was having bone pain and I explained that since they didn't give me Neulasta last time that I didn't have bone pain. He seemed to find that hard to believe. He said the Taxotere should have caused some bone pain. I'm thinking "So, it didn't...isn't that ok?" but I'm just looking at him and not saying anything else. Now I have the bone pain all the time for the last few days. Maybe he wasn't going to be happy until I had bone pain so he upped my dose. I guess it could just be that my bones are now damaged enough after the third dose to hurt. Ah...one of the many things we'll never really know the answer to. I am also WAY more tired than the other two times. I just want to lay my widdle bald head down and sleep all the time but there is too much to get done to waste time with that. 8-}
Hope everyone is having a great day! Looks like the rest of my day is filled with 'work related' meetings.
Ugh.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Update to Saturday's Post
I went to the doctor today about the lump I found on Saturday in my left breast.
The doctor agreed that it is a new lump. Yeah, believe it or not, I traveled all the way into town just to be told what I already know but...you know...that is part of the process.
I have a sonogram scheduled for this Thursday, the 21st, and an appointment with the Surgeon for Wednesday, the 27th.
The doctor says that even if it is fluid filled, he wants the fluid analyzed for cancer cells.
I think that the worst that could happen is they do another surgery to remove the lump and we keep pressing on with the chemo. This was the 'impression' that I got, but he basically said that he didn't want to talk about the next step until we get the lump analyzed.
Alrighty then...and that's 'the rest of the story'...for now. 8-)
The doctor agreed that it is a new lump. Yeah, believe it or not, I traveled all the way into town just to be told what I already know but...you know...that is part of the process.
I have a sonogram scheduled for this Thursday, the 21st, and an appointment with the Surgeon for Wednesday, the 27th.
The doctor says that even if it is fluid filled, he wants the fluid analyzed for cancer cells.
I think that the worst that could happen is they do another surgery to remove the lump and we keep pressing on with the chemo. This was the 'impression' that I got, but he basically said that he didn't want to talk about the next step until we get the lump analyzed.
Alrighty then...and that's 'the rest of the story'...for now. 8-)
I'm ALLLLL Right
Somehow, she finds herself climbing the same mountain that she had conquered before.
She is armed with the knife called Survival, which she holds in her mouth because she needs both hands to hang on to the side of the mountain.
The pain in her mind and body are more than she feels she can possibly bear. She looks around and sees that she is not alone. Climbing with her is the one called "Husband". On her other side is the one called "Sister". Husband has a knife called "Clarity" and Sister has one called "Sanity".
Inside her mind, nothing seems normal or real. The fatigue that wracks her body is debilitating but she knows she has to conquer this mountain or everyone's efforts will be for nothing.
Yeah...yada yada yada...
Yesterday really sucked. I was the mean and unhappy Chemo Girl. I don't really know how else to describe it. Since they changed my chemo delivery day to Thursday, this means the worst day falls on Sunday. It used to fall on Monday and Tom was able to be at work and miss all my evilness. Bless his heart...he got it full force yesterday. I got to sit around crying and feeling like I'm going insane with the pain and confused feelings and he was left trying to find something to make me happy.
I really couldn't talk to anyone yesterday and kind of left Mom hanging wondering how I was (Sorry Mom).
It is two-thirty in the morning and today is going to be a long day but it should be a better one. Now my body and mind are working on the mending part after being ravaged by the poisons. It's a little like the scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where uncle Billy is walking away from George and you hear him falling into a bunch of trash cans and he yells "I'm ALLLLL right...I'm all right.".
Today is a new day with new hope..."I'm ALLLLL right.." 8-)
She is armed with the knife called Survival, which she holds in her mouth because she needs both hands to hang on to the side of the mountain.
The pain in her mind and body are more than she feels she can possibly bear. She looks around and sees that she is not alone. Climbing with her is the one called "Husband". On her other side is the one called "Sister". Husband has a knife called "Clarity" and Sister has one called "Sanity".
Inside her mind, nothing seems normal or real. The fatigue that wracks her body is debilitating but she knows she has to conquer this mountain or everyone's efforts will be for nothing.
Yeah...yada yada yada...
Yesterday really sucked. I was the mean and unhappy Chemo Girl. I don't really know how else to describe it. Since they changed my chemo delivery day to Thursday, this means the worst day falls on Sunday. It used to fall on Monday and Tom was able to be at work and miss all my evilness. Bless his heart...he got it full force yesterday. I got to sit around crying and feeling like I'm going insane with the pain and confused feelings and he was left trying to find something to make me happy.
I really couldn't talk to anyone yesterday and kind of left Mom hanging wondering how I was (Sorry Mom).
It is two-thirty in the morning and today is going to be a long day but it should be a better one. Now my body and mind are working on the mending part after being ravaged by the poisons. It's a little like the scene in "It's a Wonderful Life" where uncle Billy is walking away from George and you hear him falling into a bunch of trash cans and he yells "I'm ALLLLL right...I'm all right.".
Today is a new day with new hope..."I'm ALLLLL right.." 8-)
Saturday, October 16, 2010
Panic Attack
I'm in kind of panic mode today. I found another lump in my breast. This time it is in my left breast. So, what do I do with that information?
I don't think I can go through this whole process again. Tom has tried to reassure me. I say tried because my terror has taken over. He is looking at it logically....here are his points of value.
1. They just did a pet scan about 6 weeks ago. This should have shown any large tumors. (In my head "It wasn't a large tumor six weeks ago...I felt nothing then.")
2. They just did a mammogram in July and it didn't show anything. (In my head, "That was three months ago...it probably wouldn't have shown up then.")
I don't know how fast cancer grows. They said the one in the right breast was aggressive. They also said that if I get cancer in my left breast that it would be a different cancer because cancer doesn't spread from breast to breast...(Yeah, that is reassuring, I guess.)
I was thinking that I would have to start all over again with my OB/GYN doctor and get the mammogram and biopsy if necessary but Tom thinks I should just go to Dr. Waples my cancer doctor and let him figure it out. He's probably right. I know he is thinking more clearly than I am right now.
I guess another question would be, if I am doing the chemotherapy right now, would I have to do it again after they took the lump out of the left breast? Surely not.
Alright...breathing, breathing, breathing. I'm probably just being silly. I've had lumpy breasts all my life. Why should that stop now and why should I worry more than I ever did? (Inside head, "Because I'm in a terrible place right now because of one lump in my right breast...and I don't think I can do this all over again.")
I'll call Dr. Waples on Monday. He'll know what to do.
I'm gonna go do the treadmill and get rid of this anxiety. Thanks for listening to me panic...I promise to try to have a more positive post tomorrow. 8-}
I don't think I can go through this whole process again. Tom has tried to reassure me. I say tried because my terror has taken over. He is looking at it logically....here are his points of value.
1. They just did a pet scan about 6 weeks ago. This should have shown any large tumors. (In my head "It wasn't a large tumor six weeks ago...I felt nothing then.")
2. They just did a mammogram in July and it didn't show anything. (In my head, "That was three months ago...it probably wouldn't have shown up then.")
I don't know how fast cancer grows. They said the one in the right breast was aggressive. They also said that if I get cancer in my left breast that it would be a different cancer because cancer doesn't spread from breast to breast...(Yeah, that is reassuring, I guess.)
I was thinking that I would have to start all over again with my OB/GYN doctor and get the mammogram and biopsy if necessary but Tom thinks I should just go to Dr. Waples my cancer doctor and let him figure it out. He's probably right. I know he is thinking more clearly than I am right now.
I guess another question would be, if I am doing the chemotherapy right now, would I have to do it again after they took the lump out of the left breast? Surely not.
Alright...breathing, breathing, breathing. I'm probably just being silly. I've had lumpy breasts all my life. Why should that stop now and why should I worry more than I ever did? (Inside head, "Because I'm in a terrible place right now because of one lump in my right breast...and I don't think I can do this all over again.")
I'll call Dr. Waples on Monday. He'll know what to do.
I'm gonna go do the treadmill and get rid of this anxiety. Thanks for listening to me panic...I promise to try to have a more positive post tomorrow. 8-}
Friday, October 15, 2010
Moments in Time
I had a 'moment' yesterday when I was waiting for my blood to be drawn at the lab. Tom and I were sitting in the waiting area and this other 'bald' lady was sitting there also. She got my attention and said how much she liked my do-rag. She asked where I had gotten it and I told her all about the braided part of it that goes around the actual turban. That way you can mix and match to whatever clothes you are wearing that day. Then I asked her about her hat...it was really a cute beaded hat and she actually had gotten hers locally and told me where to get one. It wasn't really my style but it looked cute on her. Anyway, after I chatted with her and they called her in, I just burst into tears. It had felt really good to talk to someone that is going through the same thing without really dwelling on the fact that we were going through the same thing. I am undecided as to whether I need to get involved in a 'support group' which would probably just make me cry all the time or not. I sure don't want to have more moments like that one. But I did enjoy talking to her. (You can see how confused I am about what I need here.)
I finally finished decorating the new TV area and below is a picture of the final product. I have never really decorated the living room (we've been here for three years and still had not gotten it done). I was always so tired all the time (before diagnosis of cancer) that every thought of decorating was just too much to handle. I don't know how long I've had cancer but something has really been sapping the strength out of me for quite a while. I was just telling Tom that I feel better the third week after chemo than I have in many years. The next thing I'm going to do is find some 'toppers' for the windows in the living room. I believe in a nice burgundy to go with the rug on the floor and the vase stuff. Of course, I didn't really get the burgundy of the rug showing in this picture...you'll just have to trust me on that one. 8-)
Anyway, this is just a good sign that I am mentally coping and ready to move on with my life from my own viewpoint.
Hope everyone is doing well and having a great day!
I finally finished decorating the new TV area and below is a picture of the final product. I have never really decorated the living room (we've been here for three years and still had not gotten it done). I was always so tired all the time (before diagnosis of cancer) that every thought of decorating was just too much to handle. I don't know how long I've had cancer but something has really been sapping the strength out of me for quite a while. I was just telling Tom that I feel better the third week after chemo than I have in many years. The next thing I'm going to do is find some 'toppers' for the windows in the living room. I believe in a nice burgundy to go with the rug on the floor and the vase stuff. Of course, I didn't really get the burgundy of the rug showing in this picture...you'll just have to trust me on that one. 8-)
Anyway, this is just a good sign that I am mentally coping and ready to move on with my life from my own viewpoint.
Hope everyone is doing well and having a great day!
Thursday, October 14, 2010
Sitting In The "Chair"
Here I am...sitting in chair eleven. They have numbered all the chairs at the Cancer Center. I guess it is like waitressing...you know how they number the tables for the waitresses so they know which ones are their tables? It's the same only here it is nurses that take care of the patients in chairs.
Isn't it amazing that there would be a Cancer CENTER here. Actually there are more than one in town. Kinda makes this town a suspect for causing cancer (paranoia dancing around in my head...LOL). I think it is natural when you end up with cancer to wonder why you got it. I wonder that a lot...I SURE don't want to do whatever it was again.
I have the pleasure of having Kendra as my nurse today. I had an allergic reaction to the saline they were putting into my port to clean it out. Allergic to saline...can you believe it? It caused my throat to close up just like when I have an asthma attack. It eventually passed but it was pretty scary.
Kendra just told me a story about how once, when she was giving a patient her steroids, her patient said she was on fire in her "personal area". The woman asked for a glass of water and so Kendra goes to get her one thinking the woman is thirsty. When she gets back with the water, the woman proceeds to pour the water down her pants. She wanted to put the "fire" out...how crazy is that? I absolutely rolled on the floor laughing at her as she told this story. She is a very graphic story teller. 8-)
The doctor has once again said that I can do without the neulasta shot...YIPPEE. No bone pain this time either. I am greatly relieved about that.
I wrote the portion above while getting the chemo treatment. I stopped writing while there because I was on my IPAD and while the IPAD is a cool toy, it leaves much to be desired for typing data in. We are home now after having a nice meal at Cracker Barrel. (Breakfast for me, lunch for Tom)
We went to Walmart after we ate and I found a Thanksgiving Wreath for the front door and two big vases for the living room with some stuff to go in the vases. I had spent so much time decorating for fall in FarmVille (Reference online game) that I thought I might as well do something decorative in 'real life' too. I spend so much time here right now, it is good to shake up the scenery now and again. 8-)
I was happy to see that my new puppy in Farmville (whom I named "Fickle" because he runs away if you don't feed him every 24 hours) had not run away while I was gone since I wasn't able to feed it on time today. (Thanks Mom for the hints and tips for puppy raising!) My mom, sister, husband and I all play Farmville together...we have a lot of fun passing gifts back and forth. It feeds my giving spirit. lol
I feel fine after the chemo treatment...the steroids of course have me on an artificial "I can do anything" high. This will last at least until tomorrow night so I'm gonna go take advantage of it and do some treadmilling in a little while.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Isn't it amazing that there would be a Cancer CENTER here. Actually there are more than one in town. Kinda makes this town a suspect for causing cancer (paranoia dancing around in my head...LOL). I think it is natural when you end up with cancer to wonder why you got it. I wonder that a lot...I SURE don't want to do whatever it was again.
I have the pleasure of having Kendra as my nurse today. I had an allergic reaction to the saline they were putting into my port to clean it out. Allergic to saline...can you believe it? It caused my throat to close up just like when I have an asthma attack. It eventually passed but it was pretty scary.
Kendra just told me a story about how once, when she was giving a patient her steroids, her patient said she was on fire in her "personal area". The woman asked for a glass of water and so Kendra goes to get her one thinking the woman is thirsty. When she gets back with the water, the woman proceeds to pour the water down her pants. She wanted to put the "fire" out...how crazy is that? I absolutely rolled on the floor laughing at her as she told this story. She is a very graphic story teller. 8-)
The doctor has once again said that I can do without the neulasta shot...YIPPEE. No bone pain this time either. I am greatly relieved about that.
I wrote the portion above while getting the chemo treatment. I stopped writing while there because I was on my IPAD and while the IPAD is a cool toy, it leaves much to be desired for typing data in. We are home now after having a nice meal at Cracker Barrel. (Breakfast for me, lunch for Tom)
We went to Walmart after we ate and I found a Thanksgiving Wreath for the front door and two big vases for the living room with some stuff to go in the vases. I had spent so much time decorating for fall in FarmVille (Reference online game) that I thought I might as well do something decorative in 'real life' too. I spend so much time here right now, it is good to shake up the scenery now and again. 8-)
I was happy to see that my new puppy in Farmville (whom I named "Fickle" because he runs away if you don't feed him every 24 hours) had not run away while I was gone since I wasn't able to feed it on time today. (Thanks Mom for the hints and tips for puppy raising!) My mom, sister, husband and I all play Farmville together...we have a lot of fun passing gifts back and forth. It feeds my giving spirit. lol
I feel fine after the chemo treatment...the steroids of course have me on an artificial "I can do anything" high. This will last at least until tomorrow night so I'm gonna go take advantage of it and do some treadmilling in a little while.
Hope everyone is having a great day!
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
More Random Musings
Here I am again. Tomorrow is my next chemo treatment and as usual I feel like running in the opposite direction.
I've been feeling really good the last few days and have even been doing the treadmill. I hate to go back to the bad feelings that chemo brings on but I guess I don't have any choice. I've been feeling so good that when I sent out an email for work this morning, to all the schedulers here, someone accused me of being "perky". HA.
There is very little going on new here. It rained really hard last night...BIG storm. I had my earplugs in and I heard it crashing around out there. The birds are all happy and singing outside right now. I have the windows open so I can hear them and to torment the cat with them...muwah wah wah. (See wide body tormented cat below)
There is this girl at work who is kind of mean all the time to people. One day a bunch of us were standing at the guy's cube that is next to hers just chatting and laughing (ok, yeah, I have a big laugh and it might have been a little loud) and she stands up and says "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on a telecon." We all kind of looked at each other and skulked away. (We moved to my office and had a good laugh over it.)
Today she has all these women at her cube and of course I'm working from home and chatting on the IM with the guy she told to shut up and he says they are all laughing and cutting up at her cube. I told him that he should say, "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on an IM." I thought it would be funny but he wouldn't do it. So much for my fun today at work. I SO would have done it if it had been me. (Of course, I would have made it into a joke...and she would have been laughing by the time we were done.)
Now that we have the new TV hooked up it is really amazing. It is like being there in the movie with the actors...it is so clear and sharp. I'll bet actors hate the new LED TVs because it shows every wrinkle on their face in great detail. I know I wouldn't want to be seen in that great a detail on any screen. HA!
Hope everyone has a great day! I'm going to go enjoy the rest of mine. 8-)
I've been feeling really good the last few days and have even been doing the treadmill. I hate to go back to the bad feelings that chemo brings on but I guess I don't have any choice. I've been feeling so good that when I sent out an email for work this morning, to all the schedulers here, someone accused me of being "perky". HA.
There is very little going on new here. It rained really hard last night...BIG storm. I had my earplugs in and I heard it crashing around out there. The birds are all happy and singing outside right now. I have the windows open so I can hear them and to torment the cat with them...muwah wah wah. (See wide body tormented cat below)
There is this girl at work who is kind of mean all the time to people. One day a bunch of us were standing at the guy's cube that is next to hers just chatting and laughing (ok, yeah, I have a big laugh and it might have been a little loud) and she stands up and says "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on a telecon." We all kind of looked at each other and skulked away. (We moved to my office and had a good laugh over it.)
Today she has all these women at her cube and of course I'm working from home and chatting on the IM with the guy she told to shut up and he says they are all laughing and cutting up at her cube. I told him that he should say, "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on an IM." I thought it would be funny but he wouldn't do it. So much for my fun today at work. I SO would have done it if it had been me. (Of course, I would have made it into a joke...and she would have been laughing by the time we were done.)
Now that we have the new TV hooked up it is really amazing. It is like being there in the movie with the actors...it is so clear and sharp. I'll bet actors hate the new LED TVs because it shows every wrinkle on their face in great detail. I know I wouldn't want to be seen in that great a detail on any screen. HA!
Hope everyone has a great day! I'm going to go enjoy the rest of mine. 8-)
Monday, October 11, 2010
What a Dream...
I don't sleep all that well since the diagnosis of cancer. But that is ok...I just stay in bed until I have gotten enough to get through the day.
Last night I SLEPT. Big deep sleep with lots of dreams. The one just before I woke up for good was a doozy.
I dreamed that I was at work and I had all these really hard things to get accomplished. I wasn't well and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't well. At some point in the dream, my sister was telling me she wasn't well either. Then we found out that she was pregnant. (Good one on you, Sis. HA!)
Apparently I was doing really really well at my job because my boss calls me into her office and says to call all my family together because she wants to give me an award. (This was a woman whom I had never seen before...I have two male bosses so this was particularly weird.)
Well, the award ceremony was in this big building with a dance floor. They had live music and my mother and father came and my aunt Imazo came. There were lots of people from my work place. I remember that part of my clothing kept ending up in my hands instead of on my body (yeah, aren't dreams really weird?). I remember pulling Mom aside and asking her what we were going to tell my boss about my Dad being there when he was supposed to be dead. She started to tell me what to say but I got pulled away.
When my sister arrived, I corralled her to take me to the restroom so I could put all my clothes back on. (Luckily the parts missing were undergarments and not outer garments...HA) I remember I had this suitcase with all these clothes in it and medical papers. I'm in the restroom telling my sister about her pregnancy and then I'm telling her that I'm pregnant too. (Yeah...that one is pretty much impossible since I had a hysterectomy when I was 30.)
We went back to the party and my mom and dad were sleeping in cots that someone had pulled out for them.
Crazy nightmare. That's about all the parts I remember but I basically just remember it was crazy to me even while I was having it. I knew it all wasn't right but when you're in dreamland, there's nothing you can do but play out the dreams.
Only thing I do know is that I never got the award in the dream. HA!!
Last night I SLEPT. Big deep sleep with lots of dreams. The one just before I woke up for good was a doozy.
I dreamed that I was at work and I had all these really hard things to get accomplished. I wasn't well and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't well. At some point in the dream, my sister was telling me she wasn't well either. Then we found out that she was pregnant. (Good one on you, Sis. HA!)
Apparently I was doing really really well at my job because my boss calls me into her office and says to call all my family together because she wants to give me an award. (This was a woman whom I had never seen before...I have two male bosses so this was particularly weird.)
Well, the award ceremony was in this big building with a dance floor. They had live music and my mother and father came and my aunt Imazo came. There were lots of people from my work place. I remember that part of my clothing kept ending up in my hands instead of on my body (yeah, aren't dreams really weird?). I remember pulling Mom aside and asking her what we were going to tell my boss about my Dad being there when he was supposed to be dead. She started to tell me what to say but I got pulled away.
When my sister arrived, I corralled her to take me to the restroom so I could put all my clothes back on. (Luckily the parts missing were undergarments and not outer garments...HA) I remember I had this suitcase with all these clothes in it and medical papers. I'm in the restroom telling my sister about her pregnancy and then I'm telling her that I'm pregnant too. (Yeah...that one is pretty much impossible since I had a hysterectomy when I was 30.)
We went back to the party and my mom and dad were sleeping in cots that someone had pulled out for them.
Crazy nightmare. That's about all the parts I remember but I basically just remember it was crazy to me even while I was having it. I knew it all wasn't right but when you're in dreamland, there's nothing you can do but play out the dreams.
Only thing I do know is that I never got the award in the dream. HA!!
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Fun DAY!!
So, Saturday was a really fun day. I had my 'beauty' appointment and Nancy made me as beautiful as she could by doing a manicure and pedicure. Since my head is completely bald we worked on one of my wigs to make it socially acceptable. Nancy is probably the nicest, most caring person that has ever taken care of my beauty needs. Bless her heart, she has so little to work with...lol. But she always makes me feel happy and attractive by the time the appointment is over. 8-)
I wore the wig all over town and felt fairly comfortable in it but it does get hot so I am still thinking my 'do-rags' and hats will be the most comfortable. (My husband HATES this term for the head wear...he says it's the 'rags' part he doesn't like.)
We went to Sam's first because we needed some bulk items and of course had to browse through the electronics. We are both really bad electronic addicts. I wonder if there is an EA (Electronics Anonymous) meeting somewhere that we should be going to? Anyway, other people in Alabama go to football games for entertainment, we like to browse through the electronics. 8-)
We found this really amazing flat screen TV that we were both drooling over. 55 inch flat panel, LED, 1080p, etc...you get the idea. The picture was extremely sharp and crisp. We've been wanting to upgrade the living room TV to a larger screen for quite a while but keep putting it off. We already have a wall mount in the living room that our current 46 inch is resting on so I told him that I thought it was time to upgrade if we could fit this TV on the existing wall mount. (I love to watch the excitement in his eyes when he thinks we are going to actually buy something instead of just look at it.) 8-) I just don't want to have to put more holes in the wall than we already have there. So we took some measurements and finished our shopping there and at Wal-Mart.
We were both pretty wiped by this time but came home and looked at the TV that was currently on the wall. It turns out that the TV that is a 46 inch is actually 20.5 lbs heavier than the 55 inch that we want to replace it with. Our current mount is very universal so it would work with the new TV all around without any problems. So, we started the rotation of the TVs.
The first problem we had was that the TV on the wall would require the feet to be put back on it. For the first couple of years, the feet were on that TV and everytime I looked at it hanging on the wall, it would annoy me that we hadn't taken the feet off yet so, of course, a few months ago I 'suggested' that we remove the feet. (This required the removal of the TV from the wall so 'we' could unscrew the legs and remove them...Using the Royal WE again here.)
We got all that accomplished and then hid the feet somewhere in the house or the attic. You know how that goes...you think, "I'll never need those again." and stuff them somewhere that you'll never remember.
So the first thing we had to do was find the feet. Ugh...
I looked in the piece of furniture that was under the TV thinking we might have cubby holed them in it so we could easily find them in the future. Nope...not there.
I looked in all the dresser drawers (WELL...you just never know where we might have put them) but to no avail.
Tom started looking back in our exercise room in the two closets in there. (We keep tons of electronic stuff back there...we are the pack rats of electronics.) Again...no luck.
After checking out any possible drawers or closets in the house, we knew what had to happen next.
(Creepy Eerie Music Here....)
WE HAD TO GO INTO THE ATTIC.
Double Ugh.
We pulled down the stairs and proceeded to climb.
Now, in my defense, I am just a little bit ADD. (Okay...they say ADD was discovered just because of me....whatever.) We get up there and the first box I open has an old old old old (get the idea?) photo album in it which I start browsing through.
Tom, of course, is totally focused on the job at hand. "MUST FIND THE FEET." (You go guy!)
I am walking over to him with the photo album saying things like, "Wow, look at how much hair you had back then." "Is this you with your parents as a little boy?" "Don't you look tired feeding that baby?" Well, you get the idea. I am working hard at distracting him because I am totally into the pictures by this time and had forgotten what we were up there for. Sigh. Between ADD and chemo brain, he had lost me. Poor Tom.
After about 15 minutes of him digging through boxes, I hear is a jubilant "AHA...found them." and I am brought back to the reality of the search. Hurrah for my hero! We were done up there so I dropped the photo album back in the box and re-focused on our current task. (Wow, that was easy...lol)
So, we proceeded to add those feet to the TV in the living room, move the TV from the bedroom to the guest bedroom, move the living room TV to the bedroom, and he went to get the new TV.
I am supposed to be figuring out how to reprogram the bedroom TV to the DVD player in there but as you can see, I got a little distracted by my Blog...oops. Heading back to do what I was supposed to be doing now. 8-)
I wore the wig all over town and felt fairly comfortable in it but it does get hot so I am still thinking my 'do-rags' and hats will be the most comfortable. (My husband HATES this term for the head wear...he says it's the 'rags' part he doesn't like.)
We went to Sam's first because we needed some bulk items and of course had to browse through the electronics. We are both really bad electronic addicts. I wonder if there is an EA (Electronics Anonymous) meeting somewhere that we should be going to? Anyway, other people in Alabama go to football games for entertainment, we like to browse through the electronics. 8-)
We found this really amazing flat screen TV that we were both drooling over. 55 inch flat panel, LED, 1080p, etc...you get the idea. The picture was extremely sharp and crisp. We've been wanting to upgrade the living room TV to a larger screen for quite a while but keep putting it off. We already have a wall mount in the living room that our current 46 inch is resting on so I told him that I thought it was time to upgrade if we could fit this TV on the existing wall mount. (I love to watch the excitement in his eyes when he thinks we are going to actually buy something instead of just look at it.) 8-) I just don't want to have to put more holes in the wall than we already have there. So we took some measurements and finished our shopping there and at Wal-Mart.
We were both pretty wiped by this time but came home and looked at the TV that was currently on the wall. It turns out that the TV that is a 46 inch is actually 20.5 lbs heavier than the 55 inch that we want to replace it with. Our current mount is very universal so it would work with the new TV all around without any problems. So, we started the rotation of the TVs.
The first problem we had was that the TV on the wall would require the feet to be put back on it. For the first couple of years, the feet were on that TV and everytime I looked at it hanging on the wall, it would annoy me that we hadn't taken the feet off yet so, of course, a few months ago I 'suggested' that we remove the feet. (This required the removal of the TV from the wall so 'we' could unscrew the legs and remove them...Using the Royal WE again here.)
We got all that accomplished and then hid the feet somewhere in the house or the attic. You know how that goes...you think, "I'll never need those again." and stuff them somewhere that you'll never remember.
So the first thing we had to do was find the feet. Ugh...
I looked in the piece of furniture that was under the TV thinking we might have cubby holed them in it so we could easily find them in the future. Nope...not there.
I looked in all the dresser drawers (WELL...you just never know where we might have put them) but to no avail.
Tom started looking back in our exercise room in the two closets in there. (We keep tons of electronic stuff back there...we are the pack rats of electronics.) Again...no luck.
After checking out any possible drawers or closets in the house, we knew what had to happen next.
(Creepy Eerie Music Here....)
WE HAD TO GO INTO THE ATTIC.
Double Ugh.
We pulled down the stairs and proceeded to climb.
Now, in my defense, I am just a little bit ADD. (Okay...they say ADD was discovered just because of me....whatever.) We get up there and the first box I open has an old old old old (get the idea?) photo album in it which I start browsing through.
Tom, of course, is totally focused on the job at hand. "MUST FIND THE FEET." (You go guy!)
I am walking over to him with the photo album saying things like, "Wow, look at how much hair you had back then." "Is this you with your parents as a little boy?" "Don't you look tired feeding that baby?" Well, you get the idea. I am working hard at distracting him because I am totally into the pictures by this time and had forgotten what we were up there for. Sigh. Between ADD and chemo brain, he had lost me. Poor Tom.
After about 15 minutes of him digging through boxes, I hear is a jubilant "AHA...found them." and I am brought back to the reality of the search. Hurrah for my hero! We were done up there so I dropped the photo album back in the box and re-focused on our current task. (Wow, that was easy...lol)
So, we proceeded to add those feet to the TV in the living room, move the TV from the bedroom to the guest bedroom, move the living room TV to the bedroom, and he went to get the new TV.
I am supposed to be figuring out how to reprogram the bedroom TV to the DVD player in there but as you can see, I got a little distracted by my Blog...oops. Heading back to do what I was supposed to be doing now. 8-)
Saturday, October 9, 2010
Tribute to Mom
So now, as my kids would have said years ago, I've 'dissed' my father publicly yesterday...oops. It was a mild dissing though. 8-)
My mom on the other hand was pretty amazing when we were growing up (and still is!). After the divorce, she pursued higher education and achieved her masters degree. She then proceeded to snag us back up from our grandparents house and raised us.
All my friends thought she was the 'cool' mom. She was very lenient and pretty much let us do whatever we wanted to (within reason). We were good kids so that was fairly easy on her. (I think anyway...lol) My friend Connie would come over to spend the night and my mom would let us have her big bed to sleep in and I remember once Connie and I were throwing grapes into each others mouths and laughing so much it hurt. The two of us were always laughing. Once we even got asked to leave a store because we were laughing so much. They probably thought we were high but really we just found humor in everything. Connie was my best friend growing up and I think fondly of her often. Another story for another time. 8-)
Well, back to my mom.
She taught us that we could do anything that we really wanted to do. I never felt limited when it came to accomplishing something because I knew that if I just applied myself that I could do it.
She taught us that God should be the center of our lives no matter what we were doing.
She taught us that we could count on her during the hard times. I remember several times in my life that she helped me when I was sick. (Remember Arkansas fever, Mom?) She drove all the way from TN to AK to take me to the hospital when I was running an unexplained fever. I was 18 or 19 at the time and we had just moved to Arkansas and I was too sick to take myself and my husband was working all the time.
She taught us to love each other. My sister and I fought all the time growing up. Just give two teenage girls only one phone and you'll see what it was like for her...lol. She continually encouraged us to love each other in spite of our differences. Yeah...that worked. We love each other a lot now. Of course, it is easier after you have grown up.
She taught me the value of friendship. She is my friend. I know that I can always count on her just as I would a best friend.
She is very fun loving and outgoing. I like to go places with mom because I am shy and she is outgoing. So all the pressure is off of me to do or say anything to anyone. 8-)
Anyway, you get the idea. She was the stable part of our lives growing up. She loved us and through loving us taught us to love those around us. She helped us become strong and independent women. I believe that my sister and I owe a lot of our success in life to her.
Thanks for the good genes, Mom!
My mom on the other hand was pretty amazing when we were growing up (and still is!). After the divorce, she pursued higher education and achieved her masters degree. She then proceeded to snag us back up from our grandparents house and raised us.
All my friends thought she was the 'cool' mom. She was very lenient and pretty much let us do whatever we wanted to (within reason). We were good kids so that was fairly easy on her. (I think anyway...lol) My friend Connie would come over to spend the night and my mom would let us have her big bed to sleep in and I remember once Connie and I were throwing grapes into each others mouths and laughing so much it hurt. The two of us were always laughing. Once we even got asked to leave a store because we were laughing so much. They probably thought we were high but really we just found humor in everything. Connie was my best friend growing up and I think fondly of her often. Another story for another time. 8-)
Well, back to my mom.
She taught us that we could do anything that we really wanted to do. I never felt limited when it came to accomplishing something because I knew that if I just applied myself that I could do it.
She taught us that God should be the center of our lives no matter what we were doing.
She taught us that we could count on her during the hard times. I remember several times in my life that she helped me when I was sick. (Remember Arkansas fever, Mom?) She drove all the way from TN to AK to take me to the hospital when I was running an unexplained fever. I was 18 or 19 at the time and we had just moved to Arkansas and I was too sick to take myself and my husband was working all the time.
She taught us to love each other. My sister and I fought all the time growing up. Just give two teenage girls only one phone and you'll see what it was like for her...lol. She continually encouraged us to love each other in spite of our differences. Yeah...that worked. We love each other a lot now. Of course, it is easier after you have grown up.
She taught me the value of friendship. She is my friend. I know that I can always count on her just as I would a best friend.
She is very fun loving and outgoing. I like to go places with mom because I am shy and she is outgoing. So all the pressure is off of me to do or say anything to anyone. 8-)
Anyway, you get the idea. She was the stable part of our lives growing up. She loved us and through loving us taught us to love those around us. She helped us become strong and independent women. I believe that my sister and I owe a lot of our success in life to her.
Thanks for the good genes, Mom!
Friday, October 8, 2010
Who Am I?
I was looking through the 'My Documents' folder on my computer this morning. Such a random tangle of things. There are letters to people (some that I never even sent...that's pretty typical), medical analysis that I had done, Donna Word's eulogy to my dad, stuff about our daughter, Myranda (who died in 2007 of Cystic Fibrosis), a standing grocery list to make shopping easier, a list of groceries that were in our freezer at one time (HA, lots of use for that now), a weight chart, and a "Who Am I" document that I started when I was feeling my mortality for some unknown reason last December.
I guess today, if anyone dies, you can just look in their "My Documents" folder to see what threads were parts of their daily lives.
My "Who Am I" document talked about all the jobs I've held in my lifetime, my children, and where I came from. But all of that still doesn't tell who I am. Some days, I still don't think I know who I am. We are just an amalgamation of all of our life experiences, I believe. We are what God makes us into if we have followed His direction and path all of our lives. We also become what the people around us shape us into. If they are untrustworthy then we fear to trust. If they are loving and giving, then we develop kinder traits.
Well, you get the idea. The simplest thing can change us for our entire lives.
I remember, when I was five, my parents were divorced. When my father was leaving us at my grandparents, I remember that I had been playing in the dirt and was really a mess (apparently) because I ran over to give my father a good-bye hug and he said I was too dirty to hug. Since that time, I've been fastidious about cleanliness. I am sure that he never gave that comment another thought but it changed me forever. I always felt that to be accepted, I had to keep everything clean and in order. I had to always be ready for any hug that might be given.
I'm pretty much over that now...lol. You can ask my husband....I have become much more relaxed. I only have to clean the house once a week now. 8-) His constant acceptance of who I am (no matter what state I am in) has changed the damage that my father inflicted.
Well, it's time to go clean the bathrooms now. 8-) HA!
I guess today, if anyone dies, you can just look in their "My Documents" folder to see what threads were parts of their daily lives.
My "Who Am I" document talked about all the jobs I've held in my lifetime, my children, and where I came from. But all of that still doesn't tell who I am. Some days, I still don't think I know who I am. We are just an amalgamation of all of our life experiences, I believe. We are what God makes us into if we have followed His direction and path all of our lives. We also become what the people around us shape us into. If they are untrustworthy then we fear to trust. If they are loving and giving, then we develop kinder traits.
Well, you get the idea. The simplest thing can change us for our entire lives.
I remember, when I was five, my parents were divorced. When my father was leaving us at my grandparents, I remember that I had been playing in the dirt and was really a mess (apparently) because I ran over to give my father a good-bye hug and he said I was too dirty to hug. Since that time, I've been fastidious about cleanliness. I am sure that he never gave that comment another thought but it changed me forever. I always felt that to be accepted, I had to keep everything clean and in order. I had to always be ready for any hug that might be given.
I'm pretty much over that now...lol. You can ask my husband....I have become much more relaxed. I only have to clean the house once a week now. 8-) His constant acceptance of who I am (no matter what state I am in) has changed the damage that my father inflicted.
Well, it's time to go clean the bathrooms now. 8-) HA!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Adjusting to Hardships
I am now truly a picture of how we (as humans) can adjust to anything that is hard our lives. Throughout this blog I have whined and complained and moaned about how tough these chemo treatments are, how bald my head is, how adjusting to all these changes are so tough...blah blah blah. (Sorry, that was the whole purpose of the blog. I normally have nothing to say about anything...) I have adjusted to the Taxotere chemo treatments now to a point where it isn't an all consuming 'thing' in my life. (Today anyway) YEAH!
(Wait, did I hear someone say, "Yet, here she is talking about it again...sheesh.")
I promise...when I leave this blog, the last thing on my mind will be cancer and chemo treatments. I get a whole week to praise God for feeling good. LOL (Unfortunately, since you don't follow me out of the blog, you don't get to enjoy that part...sorry...)
I chose the heavy dose of Taxotere every three weeks (as opposed to a lighter dose every week) because I wanted to have more good days than bad ones during the treatment and so far that is working out fairly well. I am now in the "Thank you, Lord, it feels good to be alive again" stage instead of the "Lord, why don't you just kill me and get it over with" stage. LOL
My oncologist keeps reminding me with every visit that the AC chemo (which starts around Thanksgiving) is going to be a lot worse than the taxotere chemo. (Nothing like fear of the unknown to keep you going...lol) The day of (and for about twelve days after) the taxotere treatment I keep wondering...how could it get worse? Then I have days like today and realize that it probably could get a lot worse.
OK, in a week, when I'm going through my third treatment, I may get a little whiny again. HA! Feel free to steer clear of my little blogging rants then. 8-)
(Wait, did I hear someone say, "Yet, here she is talking about it again...sheesh.")
I promise...when I leave this blog, the last thing on my mind will be cancer and chemo treatments. I get a whole week to praise God for feeling good. LOL (Unfortunately, since you don't follow me out of the blog, you don't get to enjoy that part...sorry...)
I chose the heavy dose of Taxotere every three weeks (as opposed to a lighter dose every week) because I wanted to have more good days than bad ones during the treatment and so far that is working out fairly well. I am now in the "Thank you, Lord, it feels good to be alive again" stage instead of the "Lord, why don't you just kill me and get it over with" stage. LOL
My oncologist keeps reminding me with every visit that the AC chemo (which starts around Thanksgiving) is going to be a lot worse than the taxotere chemo. (Nothing like fear of the unknown to keep you going...lol) The day of (and for about twelve days after) the taxotere treatment I keep wondering...how could it get worse? Then I have days like today and realize that it probably could get a lot worse.
OK, in a week, when I'm going through my third treatment, I may get a little whiny again. HA! Feel free to steer clear of my little blogging rants then. 8-)
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