Panic Attack

I'm in kind of panic mode today.  I found another lump in my breast.  This time it is in my left breast.  So, what do I do with that information? 

I don't think I can go through this whole process again.  Tom has tried to reassure me.  I say tried because my terror has taken over.  He is looking at it logically....here are his points of value.

1. They just did a pet scan about 6 weeks ago.  This should have shown any large tumors.  (In my head "It wasn't a large tumor six weeks ago...I felt nothing then.")

2.  They just did a mammogram in July and it didn't show anything.  (In my head, "That was three months ago...it probably wouldn't have shown up then.")

I don't know how fast cancer grows.  They said the one in the right breast was aggressive.  They also said that if I get cancer in my left breast that it would be a different cancer because cancer doesn't spread from breast to breast...(Yeah, that is reassuring, I guess.) 

I was thinking that I would have to start all over again with my OB/GYN doctor and get the mammogram and biopsy if necessary but Tom thinks I should just go to Dr. Waples my cancer doctor and let him figure it out.  He's probably right.  I know he is thinking more clearly than I am right now.

I guess another question would be, if I am doing the chemotherapy right now, would I have to do it again after they took the lump out of the left breast?  Surely not. 

Alright...breathing, breathing, breathing.  I'm probably just being silly.  I've had lumpy breasts all my life.  Why should that stop now and why should I worry more than I ever did?  (Inside head, "Because I'm in a terrible place right now because of one lump in my right breast...and I don't think I can do this all over again.")

I'll call Dr. Waples on Monday.  He'll know what to do.

I'm gonna go do the treadmill and get rid of this anxiety.  Thanks for listening to me panic...I promise to try to have a more positive post tomorrow.  8-}

Moments in Time

I had a 'moment' yesterday when I was waiting for my blood to be drawn at the lab.  Tom and I were sitting in the waiting area and this other 'bald' lady was sitting there also.  She got my attention and said how much she liked my do-rag.  She asked where I had gotten it and I told her all about the braided part of it that goes around the actual turban.  That way you can mix and match to whatever clothes you are wearing that day.  Then I asked her about her hat...it was really a cute beaded hat and she actually had gotten hers locally and told me where to get one.  It wasn't really my style but it looked cute on her.  Anyway, after I chatted with her and they called her in, I just burst into tears.  It had felt really good to talk to someone that is going through the same thing without really dwelling on the fact that we were going through the same thing.  I am undecided as to whether I need to get involved in a 'support group' which would probably just make me cry all the time or not.  I sure don't want to have more moments like that one. But I did enjoy talking to her.  (You can see how confused I am about what I need here.)

I finally finished decorating the new TV area and below is a picture of the final product.  I have never really decorated the living room (we've been here for three years and still had not gotten it done).  I was always so tired all the time (before diagnosis of cancer) that every thought of decorating was just too much to handle.  I don't know how long I've had cancer but something has really been sapping the strength out of me for quite a while.  I was just telling Tom that I feel better the third week after chemo than I have in many years.  The next thing I'm going to do is find some 'toppers' for the windows in the living room.  I believe in a nice burgundy to go with the rug on the floor and the vase stuff.  Of course, I didn't really get the burgundy of the rug showing in this picture...you'll just have to trust me on that one.  8-)

Anyway, this is just a good sign that I am mentally coping and ready to move on with my life from my own viewpoint.

Hope everyone is doing well and having a great day! 

Sitting In The "Chair"

Here I am...sitting in chair eleven. They have numbered all the chairs at the Cancer Center. I guess it is like waitressing...you know how they number the tables for the waitresses so they know which ones are their tables?  It's the same only here it is nurses that take care of the patients in chairs.

Isn't it amazing that there would be a Cancer CENTER here.  Actually there are more than one in town.  Kinda makes this town a suspect for causing cancer (paranoia dancing around in my head...LOL).   I think it is natural when you end up with cancer to wonder why you got it.  I wonder that a lot...I SURE don't want to do whatever it was again. 

I have the pleasure of having Kendra as my nurse today. I had an allergic reaction to the saline they were putting into my port to clean it out. Allergic to saline...can you believe it? It caused my throat to close up just like when I have an asthma attack. It eventually passed but it was pretty scary.

Kendra just told me a story about how once, when she was giving a patient her steroids, her patient said she was on fire in her "personal area". The woman asked for a glass of water and so Kendra goes to get her one thinking the woman is thirsty. When she gets back with the water, the woman proceeds to pour the water down her pants. She wanted to put the "fire" out...how crazy is that? I absolutely rolled on the floor laughing at her as she told this story.  She is a very graphic story teller.  8-)

The doctor has once again said that I can do without the neulasta shot...YIPPEE. No bone pain this time either. I am greatly relieved about that.

I wrote the portion above while getting the chemo treatment.  I stopped writing while there because I was on my IPAD and while the IPAD is a cool toy, it leaves much to be desired for typing data in.  We are home now after having a nice meal at Cracker Barrel.  (Breakfast for me, lunch for Tom)

We went to Walmart after we ate and I found a Thanksgiving Wreath for the front door and two big vases for the living room with some stuff to go in the vases.  I had spent so much time decorating for fall in FarmVille (Reference online game) that I thought I might as well do something decorative in 'real life' too.  I spend so much time here right now, it is good to shake up the scenery now and again.  8-)

I was happy to see that my new puppy in Farmville (whom I named "Fickle" because he runs away if you don't feed him every 24 hours) had not run away while I was gone since I wasn't able to feed it on time today.  (Thanks Mom for the hints and tips for puppy raising!)  My mom, sister, husband and I all play Farmville together...we have a lot of fun passing gifts back and forth.  It feeds my giving spirit.   lol

I feel fine after the chemo treatment...the steroids of course have me on an artificial "I can do anything" high.  This will last at least until tomorrow night so I'm gonna go take advantage of it and do some treadmilling in a little while. 

Hope everyone is having a great day!

More Random Musings

Here I am again.  Tomorrow is my next chemo treatment and as usual I feel like running in the opposite direction.

I've been feeling really good the last few days and have even been doing the treadmill.  I hate to go back to the bad feelings that chemo brings on but I guess I don't have any choice.  I've been feeling so good that when I sent out an email for work this morning, to all the schedulers here, someone accused me of being "perky".  HA. 

There is very little going on new here.  It rained really hard last night...BIG storm.  I had my earplugs in and I heard it crashing around out there.  The birds are all happy and singing outside right now.  I have the windows open so I can hear them and to torment the cat with them...muwah wah wah.   (See wide body tormented cat below)

 

There is this girl at work who is kind of mean all the time to people.  One day a bunch of us were standing at the guy's cube that is next to hers just chatting and laughing (ok, yeah, I have a big laugh and it might have been a little loud) and she stands up and says "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on a telecon."  We all kind of looked at each other and skulked away.  (We moved to my office and had a good laugh over it.)

Today she has all these women at her cube and of course I'm working from home and chatting on the IM with the guy she told to shut up and he says they are all laughing and cutting up at her cube.  I told him that he should say, "Could you guys SHUT UP...I'm on an IM."  I thought it would be funny but he wouldn't do it.  So much for my fun today at work.  I SO would have done it if it had been me.  (Of course, I would have made it into a joke...and she would have been laughing by the time we were done.)

Now that we have the new TV hooked up it is really amazing.  It is like being there in the movie with the actors...it is so clear and sharp.  I'll bet actors hate the new LED TVs because it shows every wrinkle on their face in great detail.  I know I wouldn't want to be seen in that great a detail on any screen.  HA!

Hope everyone has a great day!  I'm going to go enjoy the rest of mine.  8-)

What a Dream...

I don't sleep all that well since the diagnosis of cancer.  But that is ok...I just stay in bed until I have gotten enough to get through the day.

Last night I SLEPT.  Big deep sleep with lots of dreams.  The one just before I woke up for good was a doozy.

I dreamed that I was at work and I had all these really hard things to get accomplished.  I wasn't well and I couldn't figure out why I wasn't well.  At some point in the dream, my sister was telling me she wasn't well either.  Then we found out that she was pregnant.  (Good one on you, Sis.  HA!)

Apparently I was doing really really well at my job because my boss calls me into her office and says to call all my family together because she wants to give me an award.  (This was a woman whom I had never seen before...I have two male bosses so this was particularly weird.)

Well, the award ceremony was in this big building with a dance floor.  They had live music and my mother and father came and my aunt Imazo came.  There were lots of people from my work place.  I remember that part of my clothing kept ending up in my hands instead of on my body (yeah, aren't dreams really weird?).  I remember pulling Mom aside and asking her what we were going to tell my boss about my Dad being there when he was supposed to be dead.  She started to tell me what to say but I got pulled away.

When my sister arrived, I corralled her to take me to the restroom so I could put all my clothes back on.  (Luckily the parts missing were undergarments and not outer garments...HA)  I remember I had this suitcase with all these clothes in it and medical papers.  I'm in the restroom telling my sister about her pregnancy and then I'm telling her that I'm pregnant too.  (Yeah...that one is pretty much impossible since I had a hysterectomy when I was 30.)

We went back to the party and my mom and dad were sleeping in cots that someone had pulled out for them. 

Crazy nightmare.  That's about all the parts I remember but I basically just remember it was crazy to me even while I was having it.  I knew it all wasn't right but when you're in dreamland, there's nothing you can do but play out the dreams.

Only thing I do know is that I never got the award in the dream.  HA!!

Fun DAY!!

So, Saturday was a really fun day.  I had my 'beauty' appointment and Nancy made me as beautiful as she could by doing a manicure and pedicure.  Since my head is completely bald we worked on one of my wigs to make it socially acceptable.  Nancy is probably the nicest, most caring person that has ever taken care of my beauty needs.  Bless her heart, she has so little to work with...lol.  But she always makes me feel happy and attractive by the time the appointment is over.  8-)

I wore the wig all over town and felt fairly comfortable in it but it does get hot so I am still thinking my 'do-rags' and hats will be the most comfortable.  (My husband HATES this term for the head wear...he says it's the 'rags' part he doesn't like.)

We went to Sam's first because we needed some bulk items and of course had to browse through the electronics.  We are both really bad electronic addicts.  I wonder if there is an EA (Electronics Anonymous) meeting somewhere that we should be going to?  Anyway, other people in Alabama go to football games for entertainment, we like to browse through the electronics.  8-) 

We found this really amazing flat screen TV that we were both drooling over.  55 inch flat panel, LED, 1080p, etc...you get the idea.  The picture was extremely sharp and crisp.  We've been wanting to upgrade the living room TV to a larger screen for quite a while but keep putting it off.  We already have a wall mount in the living room that our current 46 inch is resting on so I told him that I thought it was time to upgrade if we could fit this TV on the existing wall mount.  (I love to watch the excitement in his eyes when he thinks we are going to actually buy something instead of just look at it.)  8-)  I just don't want to have to put more holes in the wall than we already have there.  So we took some measurements and finished our shopping there and at Wal-Mart.

We were both pretty wiped by this time but came home and looked at the TV that was currently on the wall.  It turns out that the TV that is a 46 inch is actually 20.5 lbs heavier than the 55 inch that we want to replace it with.  Our current mount is very universal so it would work with the new TV all around without any problems.  So, we started the rotation of the TVs.

The first problem we had was that the TV on the wall would require the feet to be put back on it.  For the first couple of years, the feet were on that TV and everytime I looked at it hanging on the wall, it would annoy me that we hadn't taken the feet off yet so, of course, a few months ago I 'suggested' that we remove the feet. (This required the removal of the TV from the wall so 'we' could unscrew the legs and remove them...Using the Royal WE again here.) 

We got all that accomplished and then hid the feet somewhere in the house or the attic.  You know how that goes...you think, "I'll never need those again." and stuff them somewhere that you'll never remember. 

So the first thing we had to do was find the feet.   Ugh...

I looked in the piece of furniture that was under the TV thinking we might have cubby holed them in it so we could easily find them in the future.  Nope...not there.

I looked in all the dresser drawers (WELL...you just never know where we might have put them) but to no avail. 

Tom started looking back in our exercise room in the two closets in there.  (We keep tons of electronic stuff back there...we are the pack rats of electronics.)  Again...no luck.

After checking out any possible drawers or closets in the house, we knew what had to happen next. 

(Creepy Eerie Music Here....)

WE HAD TO GO INTO THE ATTIC.

Double Ugh.

We pulled down the stairs and proceeded to climb.

Now, in my defense, I am just a little bit ADD.  (Okay...they say ADD was discovered just because of me....whatever.)  We get up there and the first box I open has an old old old old (get the idea?) photo album in it which I start browsing through.

Tom, of course, is totally focused on the job at hand.  "MUST FIND THE FEET."  (You go guy!)

I am walking over to him with the photo album saying things like, "Wow, look at how much hair you had back then."  "Is this you with your parents as a little boy?"  "Don't you look tired feeding that baby?"  Well, you get the idea.  I am working hard at distracting him because I am totally into the pictures by this time and had forgotten what we were up there for.  Sigh.  Between ADD and chemo brain, he had lost me.  Poor Tom.

After about 15 minutes of him digging through boxes, I hear is a jubilant "AHA...found them." and I am brought back to the reality of the search.  Hurrah for my hero!  We were done up there so I dropped the photo album back in the box and re-focused on our current task.  (Wow, that was easy...lol)

So, we proceeded to add those feet to the TV in the living room, move the TV from the bedroom to the guest bedroom, move the living room TV to the bedroom, and he went to get the new TV. 

I am supposed to be figuring out how to reprogram the bedroom TV to the DVD player in there but as you can see, I got a little distracted by my Blog...oops.  Heading back to do what I was supposed to be doing now.  8-)

Tribute to Mom

So now, as my kids would have said years ago, I've 'dissed' my father publicly yesterday...oops.  It was a mild dissing though.  8-)

My mom on the other hand was pretty amazing when we were growing up (and still is!).  After the divorce, she pursued higher education and achieved her masters degree.  She then proceeded to snag us back up from our grandparents house and raised us.

All my friends thought she was the 'cool' mom.  She was very lenient and pretty much let us do whatever we wanted to (within reason).  We were good kids so that was fairly easy on her.  (I think anyway...lol)  My friend Connie would come over to spend the night and my mom would let us have her big bed to sleep in and I remember once Connie and I were throwing grapes into each others mouths and laughing so much it hurt.  The two of us were always laughing.  Once we even got asked to leave a store because we were laughing so much.  They probably thought we were high but really we just found humor in everything.  Connie was my best friend growing up and I think fondly of her often.  Another story for another time.  8-)

Well, back to my mom.

She taught us that we could do anything that we really wanted to do.  I never felt limited when it came to accomplishing something because I knew that if I just applied myself that I could do it. 

She taught us that God should be the center of our lives no matter what we were doing.

She taught us that we could count on her during the hard times.  I remember several times in my life that she helped me when I was sick. (Remember Arkansas fever, Mom?)  She drove all the way from TN to AK to take me to the hospital when I was running an unexplained fever.  I was 18 or 19 at the time and we had just moved to Arkansas and I was too sick to take myself and my husband was working all the time.

She taught us to love each other.  My sister and I fought all the time growing up.  Just give two teenage girls only one phone and you'll see what it was like for her...lol.  She continually encouraged us to love each other in spite of our differences.  Yeah...that worked.  We love each other a lot now.  Of course, it is easier after you have grown up.

She taught me the value of friendship.  She is my friend.  I know that I can always count on her just as I would a best friend. 

She is very fun loving and outgoing.   I like to go places with mom because I am shy and she is outgoing.  So all the pressure is off of me to do or say anything to anyone.  8-) 

Anyway, you get the idea.  She was the stable part of our lives growing up.  She loved us and through loving us taught us to love those around us.  She  helped us become strong and independent women.  I believe that my sister and I owe a lot of our success in life to her.

Thanks for the good genes, Mom!

Who Am I?

I was looking through the 'My Documents' folder on my computer this morning.  Such a random tangle of things.  There are letters to people (some that I never even sent...that's pretty typical), medical analysis that I had done, Donna Word's eulogy to my dad, stuff about our daughter, Myranda (who died in 2007 of Cystic Fibrosis), a standing grocery list to make shopping easier, a list of groceries that were in our freezer at one time (HA, lots of use for that now), a weight chart, and a "Who Am I" document that I started when I was feeling my mortality for some unknown reason last December.   

I guess today, if anyone dies, you can just look in their "My Documents" folder to see what threads were parts of their daily lives.

My "Who Am I" document talked about all the jobs I've held in my lifetime, my children, and where I came from.  But all of that still doesn't tell who I am.  Some days, I still don't think I know who I am.  We are just an amalgamation of all of our life experiences, I believe.  We are what God makes us into if we have followed His direction and path all of our lives.  We also become what the people around us shape us into.  If they are untrustworthy then we fear to trust.  If they are loving and giving, then we develop kinder traits.

Well, you get the idea.  The simplest thing can change us for our entire lives.

I remember, when I was five, my parents were divorced.  When my father was leaving us at my grandparents, I remember that I had been playing in the dirt and was really a mess (apparently) because I ran over to give my father a good-bye hug and he said I was too dirty to hug.  Since that time, I've been fastidious about cleanliness.  I am sure that he never gave that comment another thought but it changed me forever.  I always felt that to be accepted, I had to keep everything clean and in order.  I had to always be ready for any hug that might be given.

I'm pretty much over that now...lol.  You can ask my husband....I have become much more relaxed.  I only have to clean the house once a week now.  8-)  His constant acceptance of who I am (no matter what state I am in) has changed the damage that my father inflicted. 

Well, it's time to go clean the bathrooms now.  8-)  HA!

Adjusting to Hardships

I am now truly a picture of how we (as humans) can adjust to anything that is hard our lives.  Throughout this blog I have whined and complained and moaned about how tough these chemo treatments are, how bald my head is, how adjusting to all these changes are so tough...blah blah blah.  (Sorry, that was the whole purpose of the blog.  I normally have nothing to say about anything...)  I have adjusted to the Taxotere chemo treatments now to a point where it isn't an all consuming 'thing' in my life.  (Today anyway) YEAH! 

(Wait, did I hear someone say, "Yet, here she is talking about it again...sheesh.")

I promise...when I leave this blog, the last thing on my mind will be cancer and chemo treatments.  I get a whole week to praise God for feeling good.  LOL  (Unfortunately, since you don't follow me out of the blog, you don't get to enjoy that part...sorry...)

I chose the heavy dose of Taxotere every three weeks (as opposed to a lighter dose every week) because I wanted to have more good days than bad ones during the treatment and so far that is working out fairly well.  I am now in the "Thank you, Lord, it feels good to be alive again" stage instead of the "Lord, why don't you just kill me and get it over with" stage.  LOL 

My oncologist keeps reminding me with every visit that the AC chemo (which starts around Thanksgiving) is going to be a lot worse than the taxotere chemo.  (Nothing like fear of the unknown to keep you going...lol)  The day of (and for about twelve days after) the taxotere treatment I keep wondering...how could it get worse?  Then I have days like today and realize that it probably could get a lot worse.

OK, in a week, when I'm going through my third treatment, I may get a little whiny again.  HA!  Feel free to steer clear of my little blogging rants then.  8-)

What Do I DO?

I have a career in Integrated Scheduling.  Yeah...you're asking "WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?"

Not really that much...lol.  All projects for my company must have a 'plan'.  A 'plan' is a schedule of events that keep the project on task.

I used to have to build schedules.  Now I teach other schedulers how to build schedules, help them with tool problems, and give them training.  Some days are fun.  Some...not so much.

I also create a visual each week of how all the schedules are doing with something called "OPP Diagnostics".  These are a kind of 'health metric' for the schedule. 

There are two major parts to the OPP Diagnostics.  The errors and the warnings.  This week I was praising all the schedulers because they were all green in the error part of the diagnostics.  First time in two years, they finally achieved MY goal.  Amazing.  However, the warnings were still showing up with some red and yellow.  In the same email, I encouraged them to work their warnings now that they had their errors cleaned up.

One scheduler writes me back "We ignore warnings."

Nice.

I can see how my work day is going to go.  HA.

Health Insurance

My company's health insurance is changing for next year.  I work for Boeing and they are worried about having to pay the 'Cadillac Tax' because of O'bama's new health care bill.  (Thanks, Dude!)  Cadillac Tax is "an excise tax on premium insurance plans that would be used to offset the estimated $940 billion price tag for health care reform."

( See full article from WalletPop: http://srph.it/cpq1YT )

Currently my health insurance pays 100% on most everything and I am just responsible for a $200 deductible and a $15 copay per visit.  I don't have to pay for either of these because we also have Tricare as a secondary insurance.  So, other than $30 for a three month prescription (or less depending on whether it is generic or not), we do very well with our health insurance. 

Now they are talking about lowering the percentage that they pay and charging us more for the health insurance.  Oh yeah, that makes sense.  (NOT)

I am finding out that cancer is a very expensive disease.  Before Cancer (BC in my head) I only went to the doctor to get prescriptions for refills.

I won't bore you with the specific details but suffice it to say, we've gotten through two surgeries (breast and port) and gotten the bill for one chemo treatment and we are up to $58,816.43 that they charged to my insurance company and the insurance company has only had to pay $17,280.77.  (Which is still a nice chunk of change but amazingly lower than they were charged.)  The good news is I don't have to make up the difference.  (Really...that wasn't the specific details, I promise.)

Next year, if they only pay 80%, then if one chemo treatment costs $6386.78 (which is what the insurance company  pays now) then I will have to pay $1277.36 of that amount.  Luckily I only have one treatment currently scheduled for the new year.  I should be done by the second week in January.  But still....THANKS O'Bama.  Health insurance was one of the things that set my company apart from working for other companies.  They just lost that edge.

Don't get me wrong...I appreciate that people who have no health insurance will now get a chance to go to the doctor but it is frustrating as I try to prepare my family for retirement that they keep sucking money out of me to pay for everyone else. 

OK...totally selfish outlook.  Bad me.  I know there are people out there who haven't had the opportunities that I have had to succeed in life.  I am glad they are getting help but every time the government 'helps' someone, it would be nice if I didn't have to pay for it.

House-ITIS

I've been in this house for the last 9 days.  I definitely have house-itis.  (Yeah, house-itis isn't really a word but I KNOW you get what I mean.)

I don't leave because this is the season of colds and flu and I am afraid of getting sick on top of being sick.  (Note for any new readers...I was diagnosed with breast cancer in July and am now going through Chemotherapy to make sure they kill any cancer cells that are remaining in the blood stream...more fun than a barrel of monkeys, I can assure you.)

I am looking forward to this weekend because I go see Nancy to get my pedicure and manicure (She usually does my hair too but there really isn't anything for her to work with up there right now.)  This time I'm gonna see if she can shape up one of my wigs so I have some actual hair to wear.  8-)  Right now I hate my wigs but am hoping she can make me love them.  (Good luck with that, Nancy!)  There are very few people in the salon when she does my hair so I don't worry about getting sick there plus my white count should be on the rise by the time this weekend rolls around.

I have several hats and do-rags to wear out in public though so I am not totally without acceptable head wear. 

Anyway, back to the house-itis...

I've always considered myself a 'homebody'.  I loved to be at home.  Of course that was when I was AT work all day five days a week.  (Right now I still work but it is from home...)  I loved to come home and be home.  I hated it when we'd have to do shopping runs on the weekend. 

NOW...I can't wait to walk out that door.  Sometimes, I go out and sit on the patio just to leave the house.  How pathetic is that??

I shake up the scenery inside the house by picking different rooms to sit and work in during the day.  I never sit in the living room during the day because that is where Tom and I relax in the evenings.  I sit in the office in the morning when the heavy duty work for my job is going on.  Afternoons are a little quieter so I move myself to the guest bedroom where there is a tray for my work computer to sit on while I sit in the bed.  (I am usually pretty wiped out by afternoon so this also allows me to stretch out while I work and get some rest to my body even if not my mind.)

I believe that I just may change my thinking about wanting to be at home in all my off time after these next few months.  The outside world is looking pretty good right now.  HA! 

Nadir and Autumn Chills

I really have no theme today.  I normally start these with one thought in mind but I've been sick the last couple of days so I don't really have one big thought to fill this up with.

I have been in what they call 'Nadir' for the last few days.  This means it is the point in time between chemotherapy cycles in which I experience low blood counts.  Basically no energy and just feel like saying 'ugh' about everything. 

I'm feeling quite a bit better this afternoon so I thought I might try a few thoughts.

It has definitely turned into fall here in Alabama.  We opened the windows this morning all over the house and enjoyed the brisk fall-like feeling. 

At one point, I went out to the mailbox and found that my scarf from Coldwater Creek had arrived yesterday.  (oops...too tired yesterday to walk out to the mailbox...see how I'm improving!!  I walked all the way out there today.) 

It was very cold in the house by this time so I put the scarf around my neck (I already had sweats, warm woolly socks, and a sweater on) and put on my new leather coat that we got a couple of weeks ago and came modeling it in to my husband. 

"What do you think of my new scarf, honey?"  I ask him.

He gives me a sideways glance while still working at his computer.  "I think if it is too cold in the house, we should shut the windows."

I told him that would be nice and continued to wear my coat and scarf for a while until it warmed up after he shut the windows.

So much for the fashion show...lol.

The Story of a Tree and a Geek

My husband is a computer geek. 

Now I mean that in the most complimentary way.  8-)  He is super smart with computers.  I've learned most of what I know about computers from him.

Neither one of us are outside people (reference older blog where I confessed to killing all things green.).  He cuts a mean lawn...he excels at that, but other stuff...well, he's a computer geek...how much can one man be good at?

Once upon a time, we were feeling extremely energetic.  It was the first spring after we had moved into the house here in AL.  We decided we needed to clear off some of what I call the 'south 40' part of our land.  [We have an extremely large back yard with some brush and trees on the back part of it.  (Also on this back yard is a gazebo, a large tool shed which houses his mower and other extraneous cluttering items, and his Sky Shed Pod).  The brush and trees are beyond all these items.]

We had some vines up in the trees that we started pulling down to clean up the trees and then I noticed this one tree that looked dead.  "Honey", I started...thinking, thinking, thinking. 

He says, "Huh?" ever so cautiously because he recognizes that word as meaning much more than just "Hi, Honey...". 

I say, "Look at that tree."  He says, "What about it?" 

I say, "It looks dead to me."  He says, "So?" 

I say, "But it could fall on the house..."  He says, "The house is WAY over there, it isn't tall enough to fall on the house."    (See picture below where I am standing about where the tree was and way on the other side of the gazebo is where the house is located.  Keep in mind that the gazebo was not there when we were looking at this dead tree.)

OK, so in my mind I was really thinking "The dead tree might hit the gazebo that I am going to suggest we build there (after we get all this stuff cleaned out of the south 40)".  But I couldn't say that yet. 

Finally, he sighs and says, "What do you want to do?" 

I am feeling all 'Paul Bunyany' so I say "Let's cut it down...I think WE can do this." 

He looks at me like I have three heads. 

In his head I am sure that he is going over his lack of outdoor tools for this kind of task.  I encourage him..."It's just a SMALL tree."  We look up at the 25 ft tree squinting at the sun in order to see the top of it.

"Hmmph"  I hear from him.  "If you want to try it, we will try to cut it down."  (See how he loves me.  8-)   So he goes to get his 'saw'.  See visual of saw below.

I ask him, "Is that all we've got?"  He assures me it is and I just kind of tilt my head and look at him and then at it.  "Well, if it is what we have, then we'll just have to do it with that." 

Now you must remember, it is the royal 'We' that I was talking about.  (We = Him)

He proceeded to start cutting the tree down and we are noticing how difficult it is to cut but he keeps plugging away at it.  Finally, it looks like maybe we could push it over and break it off.  After we push and push and nothing happens, he starts getting inventive and wraps a rope around it and starts walking away with the rope in his hands and pulling.  I'm thinking "He's gonna pull that tree right down on top of his head." 

Again, the tree would not be budged from it's standing position. 

But, after sawing a bit more, with me pushing on the tree and him pulling on the rope, the rope trick did it and the tree came crashing down.  Somehow, it even missed landing on the man with the rope.  (I kept worrying the whole time I was pushing that we had no idea what we were doing and I was probably going to get charged with murder when this stupid tree landed on him and killed him.)

[Side Note from story:  I am sure that we have always been amusing to the neighbors.  The first year we lived here we were always up to something in the backyard that was beyond our scope of abilities...and they were all just saying to themselves, "Why don't they just plant some flowers?"...HA!]

I noticed that it had an awful lot of green in the trunk.  OOPS.  I guess that tree wasn't dead after all. 

Later that spring the poor tree tried to grow new shoots and we (he) continued to cut them down to encourage it not to grow anymore.  Wow...these Alabama trees just won't give it up.  I thought just by my touching it that the stupid tree would die.

Now the stump looks like this.  It is finally dead.  HA! (Nearly three years later)

Last year he bought a chain saw so that he could eventually get it flat with the ground to make it easier to mow over.  As you can see, this is a slow process but his 'geekiness' is showing even here with those little criss-crosses that he has done with the blade.  8-) 

He has gone out today to finish the slaughter of the stump.  Bye-bye little tree.  8-)

Lady, You've Got a Fat Cat

My cat, Shadow, is one of the joys in my life.  8-)

We got her nine years ago this Thanksgiving.  She is a mutt cat but looks like a Russian Blue.  We rescued her from a cat shelter in Florida called, SOCKS (Save Our Cats and Kittens).  I'm not going to even pretend that I own her...she definitely owns me.  She was my empty nest syndrome resolution and it worked really well.  After four kids, it was nice to have something to care for that pretty much cared for herself.  8-)

When she was about a year old, I was concerned because her belly (and only her belly) seemed to be enlarged so I took her to the vet to make sure she was ok.  He examined her thoroughly and while feeling of her belly, looks at me and says, "Lady, you have a fat cat." and proceeded to tell me to put her on this skimpy little diet and play with her more.  Yeah, that didn't work so well.  Eight years later, she is still a fat and lazy cat. 

We tried cutting back her food but she loudly complained about that.  Not little complaints...large caterwalling.  You would have thought we were abusing her if you were listening from outside.

We tried playing with her but she would just look at us and yawn.   We would put a string over her for her to jump up and get and she would roll over on her back and bat at the air (nowhere near the stupid string) and wait for us to drop it low enough for her to grab.  Yeah, we fell for that trick over and over.  We were trainable.  Yessiree....

Wherever I am, there she must be also.  Normally, when I am at my desk, she parks herself BEHIND my work computer and lays her head on the washcloth that I have there for her.  This allows her to peak at me from between the computers and not miss any action in case there might be FOOD coming with me to the computer.  (Yes, I am guilty of giving her leftovers that I can't eat...bad me...I KNOW)  This might also explain why she seems to be another appendage to my body...(things that make you go "hmmmmmm")

This morning, however, she insisted on planting herself BETWEEN my two computers with her tail basically in my face.  Nothing I could do would move her. Considering that, at that point, she owned the mouse to my work computer, there wasn't much work I was going to get done without moving her either.  Since she wouldn't be moved, I pulled gently on the mouse cord to get enough to enable me to get my work done.  (Is this ridiculous or what??)

I was going to take her picture on the guest bed this morning (She owns the guest bedroom...I guess we should call it Shadow's bedroom) but she decided she was curious enough to see what I was up to.   In the picture below you can almost hear her grunting as she gets up to see what I am doing with that stupid camera again.  "Ugh...must move this tonnage I have for a body.  I know I can pull it up, give me just a minute."  NO, those are not muscles rippling on her body...that is fat shaking...

In the picture below, you can almost see her pondering her life but what she is really doing is looking outside at the birds and wondering how she is going to make her escape to take them down.  For nine long years she's been planning that escape.  8-) 

 We love her just the way she is though...even if she is fat and lazy.  8-)

Top Ten

So...I've whined and complained in this blog environment.  Now I'd like to talk about the good things due to the cancer situation.

Yeah...there are some good things.  Here are the top 10:  (Not necessarily in order of importance)

1.  My husband gets me Starbucks every morning.  (I LOVE Starbucks)

2.  I am more connected to people even though I never see them (Family AND friends)

3.  I get to work from home

4.  I get to eat ANYTHING I want to eat and still lose weight.

5.  I get to sleep in til 6:30 (if I can)....I used to have to get up around 5ish...ugh.

6.  I can sit around the house in shorts and a T-shirt and not worry so much about 'how' I look each day.

7.  Not only are others getting to know me better through the blog but I'm getting to know me better.  8-)  Lots of time for introspection whether I want to do it or not...HA!

8.  My cat has gotten over her separation anxiety that she acquired from our Christmas Train trip to North Dakota last year since I have been home with her ALL the time now.  (Another story for another time)

9.  I get to see how loving and caring my husband really is.  (I knew he was before but he is really digging deep now to take care of me.)

10.  I don't have to fix my hair every day.  (OH, I don't have to fix it ever because there is no hair..LOL)

I guess no matter how bad something is, there is always a positive side if you look hard enough.  Things could be a lot worse...like my boss could have said I had to physically come into work every day, my husband could have said "get your own coffee or do without", and my family could have just said "Good luck with that cancer business" instead of being so supportive.  I am very very blessed to have the family and bosses (yeah, I have two of them) that I have. 

As my blog friend Clara would say, "God is good....all the time!"

Morning Ritual

I go through a ritual each morning when I wake up for a couple of  weeks after chemo now.

Temp - check to see if over 100.5

Intestines -  well, I won't go into this one but suffice it to say one does not want to be bleeding in this area...lol

Extreme fatigue - check if I have any energy today

Mouth sores - check if they are present or if gums are red and swollen

Nausea - check if medicine does not help it go away

Swelling of ankles or stomach or weight gain (yeah, weight gain certainly isn't a problem so far)

New bruises on body - check this because it is an indication of platelet problems

Yellowing of eyes or skin - check this because it is an indication of liver problems

Short of breath - Yeah, not sure what this is a result of.  I'm not short of breath, so I'm not worried about it...lol.

Any of these require a call to the doctor's office. 

Yeah...I never call. 

I would call if my temp went up too much because that means my white cells are too low and I would need a booster shot to increase them.  Last time they gave me the booster shot immediately before I needed it and there was a lot of bone pain.  (Most people don't get bone pain from the Neulasta shot...lucky me.)  SO glad they said I didn't have to do that this time unless my white count dropped.  I guess I might call them if I was so fatigued that I couldn't do self -care also because apparently they have something for that too and since it is related to anemia then I would definitely want that fixed.  Must have energy.  8-)  So far I have been very blessed. 

Tom and I have realized that I probably should be keeping some kind of journal because this time I can't remember what happened last time and if it was just normal.  I totally got over whatever side affects happened last time by the third week so I don't want to call if it will just pass without intervention.  I mean, no ones wants to be a complainer to the doctor's office.  Then when you really have something wrong they would just be going "OH, it's HER again." instead of taking you seriously.  Besides...I don't want to take any more medication than I have to...ugh.

So out of all these symptoms, the ones that hit me the hardest are the sore gums (I am doing the baking soda and salt rinse like they told me to but they still hurt.), nausea, and fatigue.  I have been very blessed that my chemo reactions are not any worse than they are. 

Funny they don't put your EMOTIONS on the list.  Those are probably the most debilitating...lol.  I really think those might be related to the fact that the chemo kills all your estrogen so it puts you into full blown menopause.  Just imagine a woman who isn't gradually (as God intended) going through menopause  but just jumps right into it full force. 

As you can imagine, Tom needs your prayers more than I do...HA!  8-)

A Good Day

Gloomy Rainy Day ... the kind of weather that makes my head hurt. 

I got some good laughs this morning from my husband though. 

I asked him a few weeks ago (I can't even remember how long ago it was...how odd.) to play Farmville with me because I needed 'friends' and I knew he would be my 'friend'.  (muwah wah....evil laugh)  I am usually asleep when he leaves but my headache pushed me out of bed this morning and I walk into our office in my pajamas with my little bald head and he is sitting there following his routine of playing before he leaves so I'll get some goodies out of the game when I get up.  I sit down at my desk and I hear him say, "If I could find as many bushels of wheat as I am finding Queen Bees, I'd have it made."  The comment struck me as so funny because my head wasn't in Farmville yet and here I've got my husband so involved in the game that the first thing out of his mouth in the morning is a comment like that.  HA! 

I've sucked everyone I could think of into this game to play with me.  My Sister, my Mom, friends at work.   Almost all are addicted.  I must have some evil side to me to pull them into this silly game.  Now my sister is only pretending to play and I get that.  She's nice like that.  She doesn't have time for it (and I SEE HER NOT PLANTING ANY CROPS so I'm onto her...) but just the fact that she keeps the game going is sweet.  Hello, Sis, Mom is passing you up in the game...is there no competitive nature in you? 

My mom on the other hand is totally addicted.  I saw that she was on 2 hours before I was up at 5:30 this morning.  Uh, Mom...you need SLEEP too.   I promise the animals won't die if you don't feed them in the middle of the night.  I see where I get my obsessive compulsive brain.  8-) (And I mean that in the nicest way, Mom.)

Today is a much better day than yesterday.  No deep thoughts (as you can see) flying around my widdle brain.  I should be able to focus on work today. 

Today is going to be a good day!!  And look outside....the rain just quit!

Happy Monday!

Things That Change Us

I was thinking about my grandmother this morning.

What would she think of our world today?  (So many technology distractions that pull us away from reality...)

I always got the impression that she felt TV was a sin and a big waste of time.  What would she think about it now?   TV has changed so much, due to lack of censorship, that my husband and I don't even subscribe to cable anymore.  If my grandmother were alive today, the commercials alone would embarrass her.

She lived a very simple and God centered life.  She worked hard all her life but she knew how to laugh and have fun.  She had a good balance to her life, I think.  Now you have to realize that I am looking back at her from probably 38 + years ago.  I had a child's view and our world was so different then.

She was always trying to make us into better people.  She read us the Bible and insisted we go to church.  She sent us after 'switches' when we were errant.  She also told us wonderful scary stories about ghosts...supposedly true stories she had experienced.  I have loved science fiction all my life and I think it is because of these stories.  She had these 'sayings' she would preach to us such as "Things that you do, do with your might, things done by halves are never done right."  I don't know the times I took out stitches in something I was sewing that wasn't just perfect or rewrote a paper for school because I knew I wasn't living up to my potential.  At what point did trying to be 'perfect' take over my life? 

We influence those in our lives in many ways that we probably don't even realize.  When faced with our own mortality, don't we find ourselves wondering if we've made any difference in the lives around us?  Do we change because we wonder this? 

Well...that was all too deep...see what 'crashing' puts on my blog...lol.

Overcoming Shyness

I am actually a very shy person.  I work hard to overcome it but it is what it is.  It is very painful for me to talk to people...I remember when we used to go to family reunions when I was a child, I would always have a stomach ache because I didn't want to have to talk to people.

I have never really been a 'sharer' of rough times in my life (probably much to the frustration of many people) and this blog has been good for binding some better ties with my family.  When I am writing it I go into the mode of "Dance like no one is watching" in order to be as open and honest as I can for them.  I know they care and want to know but putting emotions out on a blog is like handing someone your heart and hoping they aren't laughing at what is going on inside of you (Or thinking of committing you to the loony bin...lol)  I didn't expect anyone to read it when I started the blog.  It was just an avenue for talking about all the things that were bottled up inside of me that were wiping me out mentally.  Don't get me wrong.  It is exciting to me that anyone would find anything I had to say 'interesting' enough to read. My family has been very kind with their responses and I appreciate that more than they know.  Their encouragement keeps me writing.  8-)

Even at work, I am not one to go to someone's desk and just chat with them.  They flock into my office all day long looking for conversation which I try to provide...lol...but I keep pretty much to myself there also and just get my work done.  I don't like to stay late at work so the best thing to do there is just do the work so I can leave on time.

Well, nothing profound to say today...I am headed into the crash and this probably seems a little more maudlin than usual because of this.  But even crashing, I am ever so thankful for family and friends that are praying and getting me through this silliness.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday!  I am seriously considering going to Coldwater Creek today to take advantage of their 35% off sale.  8-)

Tetelestai

Tetelestai!  As Christ said in John 19:30.  Translates to "It is finished". 

Of course then "...he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." (John 19:30b)  I'm not quite ready to do that.  8-)  He was talking about the debt for our sins being paid in full.  I'm talking about something completely different.  lol  I heard "Tetelestai" (greek) in a sermon many many years ago and it stuck with me all these years for some reason.  When I accomplish something memorable, that word always pops in my head.

Taxotere chemo treatment two is complete and, other than being a little tired from the Benadryl, it isn't nearly as bad as it was the last time.  The Bendryl took care of my allergic reaction.  (BIG YEAH for my cancer team!!)  Tom and I went out and got lunch and then made a Walmart run.  I believe with all my heart that all your prayers are making a difference and I can't tell you how thankful I am for your continual uplifting to God of my trials and tribulations.

My blood work was stellar according to the doctor and we both agree that the human body's ability to heal is an amazing thing.  We talked about the bone pain and he said he understood that the bone pain from the Neulasta can be debilitating and that I did not have to do the Neulasta this time and we'd see if my white blood cells would stay high enough to not need it until we get to the AC chemo.  He said I would have no choice then.  I was mentally making row boat movements with my arms and jumping up and down inside (while externally nodding my head and smiling sweetly) because that really was the worst part of the whole treatment last time (other than the crying jags...lol).  He again talked about how difficult the AC Chemo will be.  Then the nurse that was giving me my chemo treatment says, "I don't want to scare you but the AC Chemo that you will be getting will be much worse than this Taxotere."  Bless their hearts, they are all trying to get me mentally prepared for it.  I probably will not be prepared for it until I've experienced it at least once.  I'm kinda like that...I mean...I hear them but I probably don't really get it yet.  I mean, how much worse could it get?

I got lots of compliments on my do rags that I bravely wore out into the 'real' world today and I am looking through the book from TLC again to see what else I can buy from them to cover my pitiful pate.  8-)  My confidence in meeting the outside world with my hairlessness has soared today and I feel much more comfortable about it all.  (Hmm....my dictionary doesn't recognize 'hairlessness' as a word but I don't care...I am now declaring it a word!)  I still need to find something in red to go with a red shirt that I have and love to wear.  I found a sleep cap with an angel on it (too cute to pass up) to keep my widdle head warm at night and a soft ivory beret with a bow on it.  Tom likes the beret look and I think I will to.  Since I basically have a wardrobe of black, white, red, wine, gray, blue, and ivory that should cover anything I want to wear.  I may just find a hat to match my jeans that I wear with my red shirt instead of finding something red.  No need to BLARE red on top of my head now, is there?

Tom is in the living room taking a nap. (I think today wore him out more than it did me, bless his heart.)  I got lots of steroids today so I know I'll be pinging through tomorrow and then I'll go into crash mode.  That's when the emotions run rampant.  It's ok...now that I know what to expect, I believe that God and I can handle it. 

Happy Friday, Everyone!

Crowning Glory?

They say that a woman's hair is her crowning glory.

Whatever.

Yesterday I had had all I could take of finding my hair everywhere.  I mean...good grief...I looked down in my salad during lunch and there were hairs in it.  (so much for lunch)  That was the final straw (or hair if you will).  I sent Tom an email and asked him if he would do the honors of shaving it off when he got home.  As always, he was right there with me in agreement. 

So...when he got home, after he completed his Farmville duties, (lol) we proceeded to use the electric clippers to get it really short (that is the Royal WE...meaning him...I use that form quite often when I am referring to work he needs to do.  i.e. WE need to start the laundry, etc.)  and then he used his electric razor to shave it completely off.  All I had to do was sit there and cry as he did it.  LOL

If you are ever wondering what color your skin really is....shave your hair off.  My skin is REALLY white.  I haven't been out in the sun all summer but my face has a pretty brown complexion compared to the top of my head.  And I can see that hairline so nicely...HA.

Thanks to my mom putting me to sleep on my stomach as a baby, I have a perfectly round head also.  I never knew a head could be so round.  WOW. 

So, yeah, it was kind of shocking the first time I looked in the mirror but I feel released from hair care right now.  I have naturally curly  hair and, until I cut it short a few weeks ago, it has always been a lot of work to take care of.  30-45 minutes of care every morning.  Now I get in the shower, wash myself, dry myself, slather on some lotion, and I'm done.  10 minutes max...Cool huh? 

I got some cute cotton caps with braided bands to put around them that I like way better than the wigs.  The caps are in solid colors to match my clothes and the bands are two tone colors (to also match the cap and my clothes).  For example, if I wear my black leggings with the white no iron shirt and the gray riding jacket then I wear the black cap with the black and white braided band.  Anyway, you get the idea...I think I can pull it off. 

Of course, I haven't left the house yet...we'll see how I feel about it tomorrow when I actually step outside of the house.  I'm doing a test run to the mailbox today.  (big grin)

Amazing Butterfly

Yesterday morning I saw the most beautiful butterfly perched on our patio wall.  I didn't want to scare it off so I just looked at it through our living room window. 

Later in the day, the Terminex guy came to spray for bugs outside.  (Yeah, sad little story coming up)

After supper, I looked out the living room window and saw that beautiful butterfly resting on the patio floor.  I thought, "Hmmm...wonder why it is perching on the floor?"  So, I called Tom over and we carefully opened the back door and peeked out.  It didn't move, so we got closer...still didn't move.  It was as perfect in death as it was alive.  I had to get a picture.

We did some research and it turns out it is a female black swallowtail butterfly.  (It is actually much blacker than this picture shows.  It looks brown here but it is really black.) We figured out it was a female because of the colors.  This is a very good picture but it is still more beautiful in person.

I think when the butterfly died, he moved into my stomach.  Today, every time I think about the chemo on Friday, it flutters around.  I can already tell it is going to be amazingly hard to make myself let them give it to me when I know what follows. 

Random Musing

I really wish everything would just slow down.  This age that we live in is so fast paced.  I literally have three computers that I do things on.  My work computer, my personal laptop, and my IPAD.  Sometimes there are four if I am helping my husband with his Farmville game.  8-)

Sometimes I think that if I could just throw a couple of them in the trash that my life would be so much better (I'm sure my husband had a heart attack at that statement) but then I think...what would I do with my time?  I play all kinds of games on my laptop and IPAD and of course now there is this BLOG that I feel compelled to write in on a daily basis.  I am convinced that it may actually be my sanity during this time in my life.

I don't know how to slow down.  My body stops but my mind still goes 90 to nothing.  (And who invented that silly phrase?  90 to nothing...hmmm...mind buzzing off in yet another direction.)  Even if I sit here and try to do nothing I find my hand going through my hair and I look to see how many hairs I come away with just for brushing it through.  Amazing amount of hair coming out.  How can anyone lose this much hair and not already be completely bald?

It all boils down to the fact that I can't stand to be bored.  I remember boredom as a child.  I remember I was so excited to go to school and DO things.  I loved vacation bible school because we DID things.  (We also got cookies and koolaid...BIG plus.)  I loved going swimming in the summer because it was something to DO.

I feel like I'm supposed to be in this big hurry to get somewhere and each day flies by and I feel like I'm left behind somewhere else.  Maybe it isn't so much that I can't slow down, it is that I'm being forced to and nothing else has slowed down with me.

The Stable Part of My Life

Anyone who really knows me, KNOWS that I hate change.  When change hits, such as a change in job (3 years ago we moved from Florida to Alabama because of a better job offer), or something as simple as having to work longer hours to get through some deadline; then I pretty much go into stress mode.  I hate change...have always hated change.  I don't even like the change that traveling on vacations brings.  I always enjoy the trip the most when it is over. (This may all stem back to the controller, fixer issues I have...not really sure.)  All I know is that all things unknown make me uncomfortable.  I'll probably get to the pearly gates and not be happy because I don't really know what is inside.  (I'm sure they wrote "Who Moved My Cheese" with me totally in mind.)

One reason I love my husband so much is because he is a constant.  I know what he is going to do all the time. 

I know that in the morning he is going to run quickly to Starbuck's and get me my favorite coffee drink before he heads to work.  (This is only because I am working from home and he wants me to get all the sleep I can before I start my day.  Is that a generous loving spirit or what?)

I know that he is going to send me an 'I love you' email to my work email address to let me know he got to work OK and that he is thinking about me.  (He also expects a response from me and when I used to drive in to work, it worried him if he didn't get a reply first thing in the morning.  I would find text messages on my phone asking me if I was OK.)

I know that he will be home at almost exactly 4:28 every afternoon because he leaves at 4:00 on the dot and drives the same way home every day.   (This might vary by a few minutes depending on the traffic but I could almost set my clock by him.) 

I know that when we are done watching TV at night that he will Queue (sp?) up the DVD player to the next episode in whatever series we are watching and turn off the fireplace (yes...I love a fireplace even in the summer especially when my red count is down and I am so cold.), then he will turn off the fan and his light, head to the bathroom and then get under the covers with them pulled  up to his chin and wait for the spring in my posterior to quit ejecting me out of bed for whatever last things I keep forgetting to do.  (There are many ejections from the bed before I finally settle down.  I'd like to blame that on chemo brain but I've always been this way....sigh.)

So, he is the stable part of my life.  I am thankful for his stability and consistency (even though I tease him about it constantly.)

I'm Really Not Ready Yet

I am a planner, an organizer, a controller and a fixer.  I'm am going down a road that doesn't really allow for the mental aspects of cancer treatments.  When I learned I had cancer, the first thing I did was research (planner in action).  I researched the specific type of cancer and all the possible treatments.  When I found out that I had to have surgery to remove the tumor and some lymph nodes, I prepared myself.  Prayed a lot...laughed and cried about it.  Looked for ways to mentally prepare myself. 

I got there quite easily.  I went into surgery calm and ready.

The surgeon said the margins were clean around the tumor and he didn't think I would have to have chemo.  I quit preparing myself for that and just focused on having to go through radiation.  (The surgeon assured me there was no way I could get out of that.)  When I saw the Oncologist, he stated that I needed chemo as well for the small cancer cells that may have traveled throughout my body because I had 'Invasive' ductal carcinoma which means that the cancer cells were able travel throughout the blood stream because they had broken through the duct walls.  (It just figures that my cancer cells would be aggressive fighters.  HA!)

Fine. 

I started mentally preparing myself for all the side affects.  Not for just one chemo but for the two types that he felt I needed.  Taxotere and AC.

Who was I fooling?  You really can't control or mentally prepare for any of this.

Yesterday, I started seriously losing my hair.  Just over the two week mark after my first dose of Taxotere.  I had prepared my hair for the loss.  I cut off my hair to a short 'sassy' hair-do about three weeks ago (Organizer, Controller and Fixer in action).  I had never in my life worn it short and, actually, I've grown to love it.  I'll probably keep it short even after I grow it  all back in.

Yesterday I got it cut again (since it is still growing) and Nancy (my beautician) and I discussed getting her to trim up my wigs that I had bought.  (I totally love my visits with Nancy.  She always lightens my spirit and makes me laugh.  I can see that my visits with her are going to be the best times I have over the next few months.  She has no idea what her caring spirit does for me.)  I am sure she could see the hair falling out so easily which is probably why she brought up the wigs. 

Today I was in the shower and it was coming out so much that bunches of it were sticking to my neck and shoulders as I washed it.  (Tom graciously cleaned up the shower after I was through so I wouldn't have to aggravate my shoulder.)  The sink was full of hair when I got done brushing it after my shower.  (I really do have a LOT of hair...lol)  I still have quite a bit still on my head but it all really hit me hard when I saw it in the shower and sink.  I realized that I am NEVER going to be ready to be bald.  I just stood there sobbing.  My husband comes over and hugs me and explains that he didn't marry me for my hair and that he still loves just the same as always.

Of course, I never doubted this.  He is going to be my rock through this entire situation.  God definitely knew what he was doing when He sent him to me. 

So, here we are at the next stage of the chemo and I'm really not ready yet but ... here we go anyway.  It really is only hair, Silly Girl...You can't control or fix this one.  (Controller and fixer stepping down and leaving it all in God's hands.)

For All Those Who Love Dearly

I don't have any big post today but I did want to share with you a 'vimeo' that totally touched my heart.   Tom and I have this kind of marriage and I know there are those of you who do also.   Just click on the link below and relax and enjoy it from their hearts to yours.

Danny and Annie

SURELY, I Can Be Good for Four Days

I had my two week follow-up from the surgery to implant the port for my chemo treatments yesterday.  Let me start by saying that I am not (normally) a complainer to the doctors but this port has given me nothing but pain.  I can handle a lot of pain, I mean, after all, when I gave birth to my son, BJ, I didn't make a sound.  I had no pain shots or anything.  The woman next to me was screaming bloody murder though.  She was always one centimeter ahead of me and I kept asking the nurse if I was going to be screaming when I got there?  She assured me that everyone was different during childbirth.  (I do remember after about 23 hours telling my husband that I had had about enough and was ready to stop the process but I never screamed or cried in pain.)

You get the idea...

This pain in my shoulder started as soon as I woke up from surgery.  They didn't give me a pain shot or anything with this surgery and I thought, "I'm tough, I can handle this" but I do remember telling the doctor when he came in to check on me that this surgery hurt worse than the removal of the tumor and the 4 cysts.  He looked surprised and patted me on the shoulder but still didn't give me anything for pain.  We proceeded to go home and I had to work that afternoon because I was/am being greedy with my sick time.  I want to have enough to get through this whole process without having to eat into my vacation time.  (We deserve a nice vacation after all this, I'm thinkin'.)

I worked all afternoon and by 3:30 I am sitting there with tears streaming down my face and sobs coming out of my mouth.  My husband is sitting on the other end of the couch looking helpless and wondering what he can do for me.  He tells me to call the doctor and see if this is normal.  I call the Doctor's office and she says she'll have the nurse call me.  He (husband) is so disturbed by my pain and tears, he goes and gets THE PAIN MEDICINE.   I don't do pain meds.  I hate the side affects.  Finally, he all but shoved one in my mouth.  An hour later, I'm feeling MUCH less pain.  I'm pretty much giddy with relief.  When the nurse calls an hour and a half later, I'm apologizing for even bothering them.  She tells me I won't get addicted for just taking the pills for a few days and to please take them. 

FINE...whatever.

So...now we're up to the visit to the doctor yesterday.

I started by talking to the nurse at the surgeon's office and she said (ever so sweetly) "How are you doing today?" and I answered (ever so sweetly back) "I'm in a lot of pain."  She asks, "On a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?"  I'm thinking..."What a stupid question...I hate this question...how do I figure out what her scale means?  It's a LOT of pain or I wouldn't tell her at all."  BUT what I say is, "Hmmm, maybe a seven."  She writes that down.  She takes my BP which is through the roof and she tsks and writes that down (I'm in pain...hello...of course it is high).

She takes me back to the doctor's office.  He is immediately in the room.  I'm thinking "Wow...that was fast."  He asks me about the pain.  I tell him ALL about it.  He says that there are instances of the tip of the port separating and ending up in the heart and then you have to have surgery to remove it.  (I'm thinking..."nice..." with a heavy dose of sarcasm going on in my head)  He says, if the pain is too much, he'll just remove the port.  I tell him that I like the concept because they won't have to stick my veins every time and I want to use the port.  Then he asks me how much rest to the arm I got after surgery.  I'm thinking, "UH OH...he's not gonna like this answer."  "Uh...none" I tell him.  I explained that there is a lot going on at work and that I was being greedy with my sick time plus there are things to do around the house that are impossible to do without that arm in motion...blah blah blah...I can see the blank look coming over his face.  He waits patiently for me to finish. Then he says IT.

"Do not do ANY work of any kind for at least four days but a week would be best."

WHAT?  Is he kidding?  He REALLY doesn't know me.

At this point, my brain is scrambling to figure out how I'm going to accomplish what he wants.  Well, I knew I had the rest of the afternoon off because I had already worked my 8 hours that day. So that took care of one day.  I can't stop typing...but I can quit 'reaching' for the keyboards.  (I say keyboards because I have my work computer and my personal computer sitting here on my desk and both are laptops so I have to reach up to get to the keyboards which is a strain on my shoulder.)  I have two separate keyboards (now) that are in the pullout shelf that keep me from reaching.  Tom took care of the cooking last night and I just sat like a little vegetable on the couch.  By the end of the night I really could tell a difference in the pain level.

Maybe this doctor really does know his stuff.  (whatever)

Today I am still guarding the shoulder and Tom is doing the laundry and I'm just sitting here at my computer like a vegetable moving between the two keyboards but not stressing the shoulder.  The doctor says if 'resting' works then he won't take it out.

Sigh...SURELY, I can be good for four days...(in my own way)

New Life When You Least Expect It

I have made no attempt to hide the fact that I kill plants. It isn't intentional murder...(unless you count the fact that I buy the plants at all...hmmm...I may have to ponder that one separately.) it is the fact that after I buy them they suffer slow and torturous deaths. I always read the directions for care and follow it as religiously as my memory permits.

Every year I go in search of window box flowers for my gazebo. Last year I had some flowers that, while the instructions said they could handle full sun, apparently the full sun they were talking about and the full sun that hits my gazebo are two completely different things. I followed directions on watering (Mostly...ahem) and proceeded to watch them wither so I brought them up to the patio where they got some shade during the day and they were looking better BUT there was the watering thing. Even though they were right outside my back door on the patio I could not seem to remember to water them. Needless to say, I am always glad when fall arrives and everything is dead and I can quit pretending to be some kind of gardener.  (You cannot imagine the stress I feel while things are trying to survive on my watch.)

I have to admit though...I am very jealous of my neighbor two doors down who has two year old twins and a 7 year old and still manages to plant the entire front of her house with all these wonderful colors of flowers.  Her yard is very pretty and I often wonder if I paid her if she would plant and care for some in my yard....(odds are against that one...other neighbor stories to follow).

Anyway, back to the original thought I had (I know I had one...mental scrambling here).  Oh yeah, this year I planted some yellow and burgundy Celosia.  (I only know their name because I always save the little tags that stick in the dirt so I can refer to them later (like now) when I don't have a clue what they are...just in case someone visits and asks (yeah, that's another story altogether too).  I mixed it up quite perfectly in my OCD fashion.  (Burgundy, yellow, burgundy, yellow...you get the idea)  I put them in the window boxes around the gazebo and back behind the Sky Shed Pod (yet another story for another time) to pretty it up back there since our poor neighbor looks at the back of the Sky Shed Pod all the time (Hey...we gave him a gazebo to look at too...). 

Nothing in my life changed...they died.

However, what I didn't count on was that the seeds from the burgundy ones (and only the burgundy ones) dropped little seeds which begot other little burgundy flower babies.  I really never go outside so how was I to know when I was cutting down the tomato plant yesterday (dead also) that I would find these beautiful flowers (the gazebo is far far away from the house so it is hard to see what is going on out there) just growing and thriving on their own and I didn't have to water or care for them ONCE.  What a wonderful surprise.  I was so excited I decided that today I would take pictures to prove that as long as I don't TOUCH the plants they survive quite nicely.

See what God did?  You hear me plants?   I had nothing to do with your existence...you just keep on surviving because I promise not to touch you.

So you can briefly see our line of trees in this picture which I also do not touch and then there is one more shrub in front of the Sky Shed Pod that I don't touch.  I lost the little tag for that one...not sure what it is but I'm sure my mother could tell you.  HA.

There are lots of shrubs at the front of the house that I ALSO DO NOT TOUCH and are surviving quite nicely.  8-)

Anyway...there you have it...new life when you least expect it...especially anywhere near me...8-)

Today Is A New Day

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2 – 4 (NIV)


OK, so I was bit whiny yesterday.  Today...not so much.  Today is a new day.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I woke up this morning with the song "Joy, Joy, Joy" in my heart.  I actually woke up off and on last night thinking how wonderful my life is.  Many many things to be thankful for.  Obviously the chemo is getting out of my system and my body is healing and preparing for the next dose.  I am more like my old self than I have been since the first treatment.  It's GOOD to be back.

I have a car that I just bought towards the end of May that is a Camry Hybrid.  The engine partially runs on a special battery system which saves fuel.  It works really well, but every so often, if it sits without being driven, (like now) I have to start the engine and refill the battery.  If you drive it to work during the week, this isn't an issue.  Yeah, I don't know all the intricacies but I love the car and I love being able to help the 'green' idea.  Anyway, today I realized that I hadn't even started it up in a couple of weeks.  (My  husband takes great joy in driving me around right now and I am thankful he is there to do it.)  so I sent an email to my two bosses (yeah, it takes two of them to corral me...lol) and said I was stepping away from the desk for a few minutes and would be right back.  The car started up just fine with no issues and I drove around until the battery picture filled up (about 10 minutes) and have parked it again to rest until I go for the surgical follow up tomorrow.  (I wanted to make sure it would start BEFORE tomorrow...lol.  I'm such a worry wart.)  YEAH TOYOTA.  8-)  Anyway, my body is like that Camry...they threw some poison in it and I needed time to drive it around and start the battery going again.  8-)  YEAH GOD for making my body rechargeable!

So I started today's blogging (is that a word?) with a scripture I ran across yesterday that seemed fitting for my life right now.  It would seem that we spend all our time on earth going through tribulations to make us mature (I can only assume this maturity would make us more 'Christ like'.  Since I am SOOOOOOOOO removed from being 'Christ like' then I totally understand why I get such fun tribulations...lol).  My life has been pretty much one tribulation after another and as I talk to other people, they have pretty much the same kind of life.  I'm not so unique.  So...this scripture gave me an attitude adjustment to be joyous when the trials hit.   Yeah, I can try that.  8-)

Today is a new day!  8-)

Are You Kidding Me?

I went to bed sniffling last night but since I have some serious heavy duty allergies anyway, I didn't worry too much about it. But...noooooo...in the middle of the night I wake up sneezing with this "it's only in one nostril, yup, I've got a cold" feeling. I woke up this morning feeling scratchy throated and drippy and thought to God. "A COLD? Are you kidding me? Cancer wasn't enough?"  (Yeah, I need a little anger management, I guess.)  I went out for one hour to eat a fun meal on Saturday and three days later, what do I get for it?  A COLD.  Fine.  Whatever.  I swear I washed my hands when I got home and cleaned off my IPAD with alcohol but I still got a cold.  Yeah...I'm a little whiny about it.  Shoot me.

Optimist or Pessimist?

I have asked myself in the past whether I am an optimist or a pessimist.  Is that glass half full or half empty?  I will answer it quite differently given the each individual situation.  If you hand me a plant and ask me to take care of it and never kill it, then I am very much a pessimist.  At my Dad's funeral, my  Mom, in her very giving nature asked me if I wanted to take home one of the plants from the funeral.  In my heart I am screaming...NO NO...don't give me that kind of responsibility.  I'll kill it.  Actually, being the open and totally honest person that I am, I might have even said it out loud.  Obviously a pessimist under these conditions... 

But...when asked to do an impossible job for work, I think to myself...Ugh (yeah, I actually use that word in my head), that's gonna be hard but I think I can do it....I love a challenge.  Obviously an optimist in those moments.

Now the truth of the matter is that it depends on whether I believe it is worth the time invested.

Here is the plant that I took home from the funeral...

 As you can see, my pessimism didn't totally come true.  (there were some long shoots of some type of plant in it that I totally killed but I've kept the rest of it alive since the 31st of July...now there's a minor miracle.)  As you can see, the cat is having her fun eating away at it also (another reason why I don't keep indoor plants.)   She hasn't died either so I'm two for two. HA.

Here are my favorite types of indoor plants.  They require neither optimism or pessimism on my part:

Some may say I'm a 'cheater' when it comes to plants but I like to just say I am very optimistic that these types of plants will live because (normally) I live a very busy life and don't have time to keep 'real' plants alive.  This one from the funeral has been lucky. 8-)  I've been working from home.

So, back to my therapy...when I was diagnosed with cancer did I feel optimistic or pessimistic?  Numb would probably be the correct term....lol...but after I settled down (funny how the 'C' word gets you all shaken up) I realized that my life was worth fighting for.  I had stated to my boss that if the results came back positive from the tests that I wasn't going to go through the chemotherapy or radiation.  I just felt so tired all the time and it seemed like it would be easier to just let it win.  He kept saying that I needed to rethink that.  Well, after I got the results then I realized that I couldn't give up that easily...not so much for me...I'm ready for heaven but I don't think the people that love me are ready for me to be a pessimist and just give up.  I praise God that that is true.  8-)

 So, yeah, when it's something worth fighting for, I'm definitely an optimist.

Mmmmmmm

We went out to eat last night for the first time in a while. We hadn't been out in a while because of having two different surgeries, chemo, and my fear of being in public places with all the germs.  Now, this could be classified as one of three things (Mysophobia which is the fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs, Spermatophobia (Fear of germs...interesting name...not going there), or Verminophobia (also fear of germs but looks more like fear of Vermin germs to me..lol).  Probably closer to the first one and only because my white count is suspect and I don't want to pick up anyone's diseases.  I didn't used to have this fear but certainly do now.  I'm sure I'll get over it after this is all over but for now I am super duper cautious.  ANYWAY...back to the food.  8-)

We went to O'Bryan's Steak House which is fairly close to where we live.  We usually get a Filet Mignon or their Grilled Catfish.  Both are yummy.  But last night all I wanted was something completely evil for my body.  To back up a little...last October I started feeling kind of run down and so in my 'fix it' fashion I talked to Tom and said "Honey, we should really change our eating habits.  It wouldn't hurt us to lose a few pounds and I think I would feel better for it."  He is usually agreeable to my change in directions in our lives but I could see the pessimistic look in his face because now I was changing a big part of the fun in his life.  So we headed into a 'No junk food diet but eat more fruit and vegetables except on Friday when we get Thai to keep Tom happy' diet.  All else stayed the same.  By Christmas we had lost close to 20 pounds and were feeling much better for it.  Now, in this 'junk food' category fell the wonderful food called HAMBURGERS.  OH MY, but I love hamburgers.  So last night I said, "I'm going to have a big old homemade style hamburger and some steak fries tonight."  He kind of looked at me with his sideways look and said that I should eat whatever I wanted.  So we both got one.  8-)  My hamburger was just as delicious as if my Aunt Margaret had cooked it.  We used to have hamburger nights on Friday nights (I seem to remember this being the day of the week for hamburgers but I could be wrong) and there was always lots of fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and onions to go on the hamburgers.  They had a garden that they would get the vegetables out of.  There is nothing like fresh from the garden vegetables on a hamburger.  Anyway, suffice it to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the Hamburger and Fries at O'Bryan's.  8-)


Yeah...I know that's not a very exciting blog topic, but when you've been cooped up in the house for about 9 days, it was like a little bit of heaven to get all dressed up and feeling pretty and join the rest of humanity out there having fun.  8-)