Overcoming Shyness

I am actually a very shy person.  I work hard to overcome it but it is what it is.  It is very painful for me to talk to people...I remember when we used to go to family reunions when I was a child, I would always have a stomach ache because I didn't want to have to talk to people.

I have never really been a 'sharer' of rough times in my life (probably much to the frustration of many people) and this blog has been good for binding some better ties with my family.  When I am writing it I go into the mode of "Dance like no one is watching" in order to be as open and honest as I can for them.  I know they care and want to know but putting emotions out on a blog is like handing someone your heart and hoping they aren't laughing at what is going on inside of you (Or thinking of committing you to the loony bin...lol)  I didn't expect anyone to read it when I started the blog.  It was just an avenue for talking about all the things that were bottled up inside of me that were wiping me out mentally.  Don't get me wrong.  It is exciting to me that anyone would find anything I had to say 'interesting' enough to read. My family has been very kind with their responses and I appreciate that more than they know.  Their encouragement keeps me writing.  8-)

Even at work, I am not one to go to someone's desk and just chat with them.  They flock into my office all day long looking for conversation which I try to provide...lol...but I keep pretty much to myself there also and just get my work done.  I don't like to stay late at work so the best thing to do there is just do the work so I can leave on time.

Well, nothing profound to say today...I am headed into the crash and this probably seems a little more maudlin than usual because of this.  But even crashing, I am ever so thankful for family and friends that are praying and getting me through this silliness.

I hope everyone has a wonderful Saturday!  I am seriously considering going to Coldwater Creek today to take advantage of their 35% off sale.  8-)

Tetelestai

Tetelestai!  As Christ said in John 19:30.  Translates to "It is finished". 

Of course then "...he bowed his head and gave up his spirit." (John 19:30b)  I'm not quite ready to do that.  8-)  He was talking about the debt for our sins being paid in full.  I'm talking about something completely different.  lol  I heard "Tetelestai" (greek) in a sermon many many years ago and it stuck with me all these years for some reason.  When I accomplish something memorable, that word always pops in my head.

Taxotere chemo treatment two is complete and, other than being a little tired from the Benadryl, it isn't nearly as bad as it was the last time.  The Bendryl took care of my allergic reaction.  (BIG YEAH for my cancer team!!)  Tom and I went out and got lunch and then made a Walmart run.  I believe with all my heart that all your prayers are making a difference and I can't tell you how thankful I am for your continual uplifting to God of my trials and tribulations.

My blood work was stellar according to the doctor and we both agree that the human body's ability to heal is an amazing thing.  We talked about the bone pain and he said he understood that the bone pain from the Neulasta can be debilitating and that I did not have to do the Neulasta this time and we'd see if my white blood cells would stay high enough to not need it until we get to the AC chemo.  He said I would have no choice then.  I was mentally making row boat movements with my arms and jumping up and down inside (while externally nodding my head and smiling sweetly) because that really was the worst part of the whole treatment last time (other than the crying jags...lol).  He again talked about how difficult the AC Chemo will be.  Then the nurse that was giving me my chemo treatment says, "I don't want to scare you but the AC Chemo that you will be getting will be much worse than this Taxotere."  Bless their hearts, they are all trying to get me mentally prepared for it.  I probably will not be prepared for it until I've experienced it at least once.  I'm kinda like that...I mean...I hear them but I probably don't really get it yet.  I mean, how much worse could it get?

I got lots of compliments on my do rags that I bravely wore out into the 'real' world today and I am looking through the book from TLC again to see what else I can buy from them to cover my pitiful pate.  8-)  My confidence in meeting the outside world with my hairlessness has soared today and I feel much more comfortable about it all.  (Hmm....my dictionary doesn't recognize 'hairlessness' as a word but I don't care...I am now declaring it a word!)  I still need to find something in red to go with a red shirt that I have and love to wear.  I found a sleep cap with an angel on it (too cute to pass up) to keep my widdle head warm at night and a soft ivory beret with a bow on it.  Tom likes the beret look and I think I will to.  Since I basically have a wardrobe of black, white, red, wine, gray, blue, and ivory that should cover anything I want to wear.  I may just find a hat to match my jeans that I wear with my red shirt instead of finding something red.  No need to BLARE red on top of my head now, is there?

Tom is in the living room taking a nap. (I think today wore him out more than it did me, bless his heart.)  I got lots of steroids today so I know I'll be pinging through tomorrow and then I'll go into crash mode.  That's when the emotions run rampant.  It's ok...now that I know what to expect, I believe that God and I can handle it. 

Happy Friday, Everyone!

Crowning Glory?

They say that a woman's hair is her crowning glory.

Whatever.

Yesterday I had had all I could take of finding my hair everywhere.  I mean...good grief...I looked down in my salad during lunch and there were hairs in it.  (so much for lunch)  That was the final straw (or hair if you will).  I sent Tom an email and asked him if he would do the honors of shaving it off when he got home.  As always, he was right there with me in agreement. 

So...when he got home, after he completed his Farmville duties, (lol) we proceeded to use the electric clippers to get it really short (that is the Royal WE...meaning him...I use that form quite often when I am referring to work he needs to do.  i.e. WE need to start the laundry, etc.)  and then he used his electric razor to shave it completely off.  All I had to do was sit there and cry as he did it.  LOL

If you are ever wondering what color your skin really is....shave your hair off.  My skin is REALLY white.  I haven't been out in the sun all summer but my face has a pretty brown complexion compared to the top of my head.  And I can see that hairline so nicely...HA.

Thanks to my mom putting me to sleep on my stomach as a baby, I have a perfectly round head also.  I never knew a head could be so round.  WOW. 

So, yeah, it was kind of shocking the first time I looked in the mirror but I feel released from hair care right now.  I have naturally curly  hair and, until I cut it short a few weeks ago, it has always been a lot of work to take care of.  30-45 minutes of care every morning.  Now I get in the shower, wash myself, dry myself, slather on some lotion, and I'm done.  10 minutes max...Cool huh? 

I got some cute cotton caps with braided bands to put around them that I like way better than the wigs.  The caps are in solid colors to match my clothes and the bands are two tone colors (to also match the cap and my clothes).  For example, if I wear my black leggings with the white no iron shirt and the gray riding jacket then I wear the black cap with the black and white braided band.  Anyway, you get the idea...I think I can pull it off. 

Of course, I haven't left the house yet...we'll see how I feel about it tomorrow when I actually step outside of the house.  I'm doing a test run to the mailbox today.  (big grin)

Amazing Butterfly

Yesterday morning I saw the most beautiful butterfly perched on our patio wall.  I didn't want to scare it off so I just looked at it through our living room window. 

Later in the day, the Terminex guy came to spray for bugs outside.  (Yeah, sad little story coming up)

After supper, I looked out the living room window and saw that beautiful butterfly resting on the patio floor.  I thought, "Hmmm...wonder why it is perching on the floor?"  So, I called Tom over and we carefully opened the back door and peeked out.  It didn't move, so we got closer...still didn't move.  It was as perfect in death as it was alive.  I had to get a picture.

We did some research and it turns out it is a female black swallowtail butterfly.  (It is actually much blacker than this picture shows.  It looks brown here but it is really black.) We figured out it was a female because of the colors.  This is a very good picture but it is still more beautiful in person.

I think when the butterfly died, he moved into my stomach.  Today, every time I think about the chemo on Friday, it flutters around.  I can already tell it is going to be amazingly hard to make myself let them give it to me when I know what follows. 

Random Musing

I really wish everything would just slow down.  This age that we live in is so fast paced.  I literally have three computers that I do things on.  My work computer, my personal laptop, and my IPAD.  Sometimes there are four if I am helping my husband with his Farmville game.  8-)

Sometimes I think that if I could just throw a couple of them in the trash that my life would be so much better (I'm sure my husband had a heart attack at that statement) but then I think...what would I do with my time?  I play all kinds of games on my laptop and IPAD and of course now there is this BLOG that I feel compelled to write in on a daily basis.  I am convinced that it may actually be my sanity during this time in my life.

I don't know how to slow down.  My body stops but my mind still goes 90 to nothing.  (And who invented that silly phrase?  90 to nothing...hmmm...mind buzzing off in yet another direction.)  Even if I sit here and try to do nothing I find my hand going through my hair and I look to see how many hairs I come away with just for brushing it through.  Amazing amount of hair coming out.  How can anyone lose this much hair and not already be completely bald?

It all boils down to the fact that I can't stand to be bored.  I remember boredom as a child.  I remember I was so excited to go to school and DO things.  I loved vacation bible school because we DID things.  (We also got cookies and koolaid...BIG plus.)  I loved going swimming in the summer because it was something to DO.

I feel like I'm supposed to be in this big hurry to get somewhere and each day flies by and I feel like I'm left behind somewhere else.  Maybe it isn't so much that I can't slow down, it is that I'm being forced to and nothing else has slowed down with me.

The Stable Part of My Life

Anyone who really knows me, KNOWS that I hate change.  When change hits, such as a change in job (3 years ago we moved from Florida to Alabama because of a better job offer), or something as simple as having to work longer hours to get through some deadline; then I pretty much go into stress mode.  I hate change...have always hated change.  I don't even like the change that traveling on vacations brings.  I always enjoy the trip the most when it is over. (This may all stem back to the controller, fixer issues I have...not really sure.)  All I know is that all things unknown make me uncomfortable.  I'll probably get to the pearly gates and not be happy because I don't really know what is inside.  (I'm sure they wrote "Who Moved My Cheese" with me totally in mind.)

One reason I love my husband so much is because he is a constant.  I know what he is going to do all the time. 

I know that in the morning he is going to run quickly to Starbuck's and get me my favorite coffee drink before he heads to work.  (This is only because I am working from home and he wants me to get all the sleep I can before I start my day.  Is that a generous loving spirit or what?)

I know that he is going to send me an 'I love you' email to my work email address to let me know he got to work OK and that he is thinking about me.  (He also expects a response from me and when I used to drive in to work, it worried him if he didn't get a reply first thing in the morning.  I would find text messages on my phone asking me if I was OK.)

I know that he will be home at almost exactly 4:28 every afternoon because he leaves at 4:00 on the dot and drives the same way home every day.   (This might vary by a few minutes depending on the traffic but I could almost set my clock by him.) 

I know that when we are done watching TV at night that he will Queue (sp?) up the DVD player to the next episode in whatever series we are watching and turn off the fireplace (yes...I love a fireplace even in the summer especially when my red count is down and I am so cold.), then he will turn off the fan and his light, head to the bathroom and then get under the covers with them pulled  up to his chin and wait for the spring in my posterior to quit ejecting me out of bed for whatever last things I keep forgetting to do.  (There are many ejections from the bed before I finally settle down.  I'd like to blame that on chemo brain but I've always been this way....sigh.)

So, he is the stable part of my life.  I am thankful for his stability and consistency (even though I tease him about it constantly.)

I'm Really Not Ready Yet

I am a planner, an organizer, a controller and a fixer.  I'm am going down a road that doesn't really allow for the mental aspects of cancer treatments.  When I learned I had cancer, the first thing I did was research (planner in action).  I researched the specific type of cancer and all the possible treatments.  When I found out that I had to have surgery to remove the tumor and some lymph nodes, I prepared myself.  Prayed a lot...laughed and cried about it.  Looked for ways to mentally prepare myself. 

I got there quite easily.  I went into surgery calm and ready.

The surgeon said the margins were clean around the tumor and he didn't think I would have to have chemo.  I quit preparing myself for that and just focused on having to go through radiation.  (The surgeon assured me there was no way I could get out of that.)  When I saw the Oncologist, he stated that I needed chemo as well for the small cancer cells that may have traveled throughout my body because I had 'Invasive' ductal carcinoma which means that the cancer cells were able travel throughout the blood stream because they had broken through the duct walls.  (It just figures that my cancer cells would be aggressive fighters.  HA!)

Fine. 

I started mentally preparing myself for all the side affects.  Not for just one chemo but for the two types that he felt I needed.  Taxotere and AC.

Who was I fooling?  You really can't control or mentally prepare for any of this.

Yesterday, I started seriously losing my hair.  Just over the two week mark after my first dose of Taxotere.  I had prepared my hair for the loss.  I cut off my hair to a short 'sassy' hair-do about three weeks ago (Organizer, Controller and Fixer in action).  I had never in my life worn it short and, actually, I've grown to love it.  I'll probably keep it short even after I grow it  all back in.

Yesterday I got it cut again (since it is still growing) and Nancy (my beautician) and I discussed getting her to trim up my wigs that I had bought.  (I totally love my visits with Nancy.  She always lightens my spirit and makes me laugh.  I can see that my visits with her are going to be the best times I have over the next few months.  She has no idea what her caring spirit does for me.)  I am sure she could see the hair falling out so easily which is probably why she brought up the wigs. 

Today I was in the shower and it was coming out so much that bunches of it were sticking to my neck and shoulders as I washed it.  (Tom graciously cleaned up the shower after I was through so I wouldn't have to aggravate my shoulder.)  The sink was full of hair when I got done brushing it after my shower.  (I really do have a LOT of hair...lol)  I still have quite a bit still on my head but it all really hit me hard when I saw it in the shower and sink.  I realized that I am NEVER going to be ready to be bald.  I just stood there sobbing.  My husband comes over and hugs me and explains that he didn't marry me for my hair and that he still loves just the same as always.

Of course, I never doubted this.  He is going to be my rock through this entire situation.  God definitely knew what he was doing when He sent him to me. 

So, here we are at the next stage of the chemo and I'm really not ready yet but ... here we go anyway.  It really is only hair, Silly Girl...You can't control or fix this one.  (Controller and fixer stepping down and leaving it all in God's hands.)

For All Those Who Love Dearly

I don't have any big post today but I did want to share with you a 'vimeo' that totally touched my heart.   Tom and I have this kind of marriage and I know there are those of you who do also.   Just click on the link below and relax and enjoy it from their hearts to yours.

Danny and Annie

SURELY, I Can Be Good for Four Days

I had my two week follow-up from the surgery to implant the port for my chemo treatments yesterday.  Let me start by saying that I am not (normally) a complainer to the doctors but this port has given me nothing but pain.  I can handle a lot of pain, I mean, after all, when I gave birth to my son, BJ, I didn't make a sound.  I had no pain shots or anything.  The woman next to me was screaming bloody murder though.  She was always one centimeter ahead of me and I kept asking the nurse if I was going to be screaming when I got there?  She assured me that everyone was different during childbirth.  (I do remember after about 23 hours telling my husband that I had had about enough and was ready to stop the process but I never screamed or cried in pain.)

You get the idea...

This pain in my shoulder started as soon as I woke up from surgery.  They didn't give me a pain shot or anything with this surgery and I thought, "I'm tough, I can handle this" but I do remember telling the doctor when he came in to check on me that this surgery hurt worse than the removal of the tumor and the 4 cysts.  He looked surprised and patted me on the shoulder but still didn't give me anything for pain.  We proceeded to go home and I had to work that afternoon because I was/am being greedy with my sick time.  I want to have enough to get through this whole process without having to eat into my vacation time.  (We deserve a nice vacation after all this, I'm thinkin'.)

I worked all afternoon and by 3:30 I am sitting there with tears streaming down my face and sobs coming out of my mouth.  My husband is sitting on the other end of the couch looking helpless and wondering what he can do for me.  He tells me to call the doctor and see if this is normal.  I call the Doctor's office and she says she'll have the nurse call me.  He (husband) is so disturbed by my pain and tears, he goes and gets THE PAIN MEDICINE.   I don't do pain meds.  I hate the side affects.  Finally, he all but shoved one in my mouth.  An hour later, I'm feeling MUCH less pain.  I'm pretty much giddy with relief.  When the nurse calls an hour and a half later, I'm apologizing for even bothering them.  She tells me I won't get addicted for just taking the pills for a few days and to please take them. 

FINE...whatever.

So...now we're up to the visit to the doctor yesterday.

I started by talking to the nurse at the surgeon's office and she said (ever so sweetly) "How are you doing today?" and I answered (ever so sweetly back) "I'm in a lot of pain."  She asks, "On a scale of one to ten, where is your pain?"  I'm thinking..."What a stupid question...I hate this question...how do I figure out what her scale means?  It's a LOT of pain or I wouldn't tell her at all."  BUT what I say is, "Hmmm, maybe a seven."  She writes that down.  She takes my BP which is through the roof and she tsks and writes that down (I'm in pain...hello...of course it is high).

She takes me back to the doctor's office.  He is immediately in the room.  I'm thinking "Wow...that was fast."  He asks me about the pain.  I tell him ALL about it.  He says that there are instances of the tip of the port separating and ending up in the heart and then you have to have surgery to remove it.  (I'm thinking..."nice..." with a heavy dose of sarcasm going on in my head)  He says, if the pain is too much, he'll just remove the port.  I tell him that I like the concept because they won't have to stick my veins every time and I want to use the port.  Then he asks me how much rest to the arm I got after surgery.  I'm thinking, "UH OH...he's not gonna like this answer."  "Uh...none" I tell him.  I explained that there is a lot going on at work and that I was being greedy with my sick time plus there are things to do around the house that are impossible to do without that arm in motion...blah blah blah...I can see the blank look coming over his face.  He waits patiently for me to finish. Then he says IT.

"Do not do ANY work of any kind for at least four days but a week would be best."

WHAT?  Is he kidding?  He REALLY doesn't know me.

At this point, my brain is scrambling to figure out how I'm going to accomplish what he wants.  Well, I knew I had the rest of the afternoon off because I had already worked my 8 hours that day. So that took care of one day.  I can't stop typing...but I can quit 'reaching' for the keyboards.  (I say keyboards because I have my work computer and my personal computer sitting here on my desk and both are laptops so I have to reach up to get to the keyboards which is a strain on my shoulder.)  I have two separate keyboards (now) that are in the pullout shelf that keep me from reaching.  Tom took care of the cooking last night and I just sat like a little vegetable on the couch.  By the end of the night I really could tell a difference in the pain level.

Maybe this doctor really does know his stuff.  (whatever)

Today I am still guarding the shoulder and Tom is doing the laundry and I'm just sitting here at my computer like a vegetable moving between the two keyboards but not stressing the shoulder.  The doctor says if 'resting' works then he won't take it out.

Sigh...SURELY, I can be good for four days...(in my own way)

New Life When You Least Expect It

I have made no attempt to hide the fact that I kill plants. It isn't intentional murder...(unless you count the fact that I buy the plants at all...hmmm...I may have to ponder that one separately.) it is the fact that after I buy them they suffer slow and torturous deaths. I always read the directions for care and follow it as religiously as my memory permits.

Every year I go in search of window box flowers for my gazebo. Last year I had some flowers that, while the instructions said they could handle full sun, apparently the full sun they were talking about and the full sun that hits my gazebo are two completely different things. I followed directions on watering (Mostly...ahem) and proceeded to watch them wither so I brought them up to the patio where they got some shade during the day and they were looking better BUT there was the watering thing. Even though they were right outside my back door on the patio I could not seem to remember to water them. Needless to say, I am always glad when fall arrives and everything is dead and I can quit pretending to be some kind of gardener.  (You cannot imagine the stress I feel while things are trying to survive on my watch.)

I have to admit though...I am very jealous of my neighbor two doors down who has two year old twins and a 7 year old and still manages to plant the entire front of her house with all these wonderful colors of flowers.  Her yard is very pretty and I often wonder if I paid her if she would plant and care for some in my yard....(odds are against that one...other neighbor stories to follow).

Anyway, back to the original thought I had (I know I had one...mental scrambling here).  Oh yeah, this year I planted some yellow and burgundy Celosia.  (I only know their name because I always save the little tags that stick in the dirt so I can refer to them later (like now) when I don't have a clue what they are...just in case someone visits and asks (yeah, that's another story altogether too).  I mixed it up quite perfectly in my OCD fashion.  (Burgundy, yellow, burgundy, yellow...you get the idea)  I put them in the window boxes around the gazebo and back behind the Sky Shed Pod (yet another story for another time) to pretty it up back there since our poor neighbor looks at the back of the Sky Shed Pod all the time (Hey...we gave him a gazebo to look at too...). 

Nothing in my life changed...they died.

However, what I didn't count on was that the seeds from the burgundy ones (and only the burgundy ones) dropped little seeds which begot other little burgundy flower babies.  I really never go outside so how was I to know when I was cutting down the tomato plant yesterday (dead also) that I would find these beautiful flowers (the gazebo is far far away from the house so it is hard to see what is going on out there) just growing and thriving on their own and I didn't have to water or care for them ONCE.  What a wonderful surprise.  I was so excited I decided that today I would take pictures to prove that as long as I don't TOUCH the plants they survive quite nicely.

See what God did?  You hear me plants?   I had nothing to do with your existence...you just keep on surviving because I promise not to touch you.

So you can briefly see our line of trees in this picture which I also do not touch and then there is one more shrub in front of the Sky Shed Pod that I don't touch.  I lost the little tag for that one...not sure what it is but I'm sure my mother could tell you.  HA.

There are lots of shrubs at the front of the house that I ALSO DO NOT TOUCH and are surviving quite nicely.  8-)

Anyway...there you have it...new life when you least expect it...especially anywhere near me...8-)

Today Is A New Day

Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.  James 1:2 – 4 (NIV)


OK, so I was bit whiny yesterday.  Today...not so much.  Today is a new day.  The sun is shining, the birds are singing and I woke up this morning with the song "Joy, Joy, Joy" in my heart.  I actually woke up off and on last night thinking how wonderful my life is.  Many many things to be thankful for.  Obviously the chemo is getting out of my system and my body is healing and preparing for the next dose.  I am more like my old self than I have been since the first treatment.  It's GOOD to be back.

I have a car that I just bought towards the end of May that is a Camry Hybrid.  The engine partially runs on a special battery system which saves fuel.  It works really well, but every so often, if it sits without being driven, (like now) I have to start the engine and refill the battery.  If you drive it to work during the week, this isn't an issue.  Yeah, I don't know all the intricacies but I love the car and I love being able to help the 'green' idea.  Anyway, today I realized that I hadn't even started it up in a couple of weeks.  (My  husband takes great joy in driving me around right now and I am thankful he is there to do it.)  so I sent an email to my two bosses (yeah, it takes two of them to corral me...lol) and said I was stepping away from the desk for a few minutes and would be right back.  The car started up just fine with no issues and I drove around until the battery picture filled up (about 10 minutes) and have parked it again to rest until I go for the surgical follow up tomorrow.  (I wanted to make sure it would start BEFORE tomorrow...lol.  I'm such a worry wart.)  YEAH TOYOTA.  8-)  Anyway, my body is like that Camry...they threw some poison in it and I needed time to drive it around and start the battery going again.  8-)  YEAH GOD for making my body rechargeable!

So I started today's blogging (is that a word?) with a scripture I ran across yesterday that seemed fitting for my life right now.  It would seem that we spend all our time on earth going through tribulations to make us mature (I can only assume this maturity would make us more 'Christ like'.  Since I am SOOOOOOOOO removed from being 'Christ like' then I totally understand why I get such fun tribulations...lol).  My life has been pretty much one tribulation after another and as I talk to other people, they have pretty much the same kind of life.  I'm not so unique.  So...this scripture gave me an attitude adjustment to be joyous when the trials hit.   Yeah, I can try that.  8-)

Today is a new day!  8-)

Are You Kidding Me?

I went to bed sniffling last night but since I have some serious heavy duty allergies anyway, I didn't worry too much about it. But...noooooo...in the middle of the night I wake up sneezing with this "it's only in one nostril, yup, I've got a cold" feeling. I woke up this morning feeling scratchy throated and drippy and thought to God. "A COLD? Are you kidding me? Cancer wasn't enough?"  (Yeah, I need a little anger management, I guess.)  I went out for one hour to eat a fun meal on Saturday and three days later, what do I get for it?  A COLD.  Fine.  Whatever.  I swear I washed my hands when I got home and cleaned off my IPAD with alcohol but I still got a cold.  Yeah...I'm a little whiny about it.  Shoot me.

Optimist or Pessimist?

I have asked myself in the past whether I am an optimist or a pessimist.  Is that glass half full or half empty?  I will answer it quite differently given the each individual situation.  If you hand me a plant and ask me to take care of it and never kill it, then I am very much a pessimist.  At my Dad's funeral, my  Mom, in her very giving nature asked me if I wanted to take home one of the plants from the funeral.  In my heart I am screaming...NO NO...don't give me that kind of responsibility.  I'll kill it.  Actually, being the open and totally honest person that I am, I might have even said it out loud.  Obviously a pessimist under these conditions... 

But...when asked to do an impossible job for work, I think to myself...Ugh (yeah, I actually use that word in my head), that's gonna be hard but I think I can do it....I love a challenge.  Obviously an optimist in those moments.

Now the truth of the matter is that it depends on whether I believe it is worth the time invested.

Here is the plant that I took home from the funeral...

 As you can see, my pessimism didn't totally come true.  (there were some long shoots of some type of plant in it that I totally killed but I've kept the rest of it alive since the 31st of July...now there's a minor miracle.)  As you can see, the cat is having her fun eating away at it also (another reason why I don't keep indoor plants.)   She hasn't died either so I'm two for two. HA.

Here are my favorite types of indoor plants.  They require neither optimism or pessimism on my part:

Some may say I'm a 'cheater' when it comes to plants but I like to just say I am very optimistic that these types of plants will live because (normally) I live a very busy life and don't have time to keep 'real' plants alive.  This one from the funeral has been lucky. 8-)  I've been working from home.

So, back to my therapy...when I was diagnosed with cancer did I feel optimistic or pessimistic?  Numb would probably be the correct term....lol...but after I settled down (funny how the 'C' word gets you all shaken up) I realized that my life was worth fighting for.  I had stated to my boss that if the results came back positive from the tests that I wasn't going to go through the chemotherapy or radiation.  I just felt so tired all the time and it seemed like it would be easier to just let it win.  He kept saying that I needed to rethink that.  Well, after I got the results then I realized that I couldn't give up that easily...not so much for me...I'm ready for heaven but I don't think the people that love me are ready for me to be a pessimist and just give up.  I praise God that that is true.  8-)

 So, yeah, when it's something worth fighting for, I'm definitely an optimist.

Mmmmmmm

We went out to eat last night for the first time in a while. We hadn't been out in a while because of having two different surgeries, chemo, and my fear of being in public places with all the germs.  Now, this could be classified as one of three things (Mysophobia which is the fear of being contaminated with dirt or germs, Spermatophobia (Fear of germs...interesting name...not going there), or Verminophobia (also fear of germs but looks more like fear of Vermin germs to me..lol).  Probably closer to the first one and only because my white count is suspect and I don't want to pick up anyone's diseases.  I didn't used to have this fear but certainly do now.  I'm sure I'll get over it after this is all over but for now I am super duper cautious.  ANYWAY...back to the food.  8-)

We went to O'Bryan's Steak House which is fairly close to where we live.  We usually get a Filet Mignon or their Grilled Catfish.  Both are yummy.  But last night all I wanted was something completely evil for my body.  To back up a little...last October I started feeling kind of run down and so in my 'fix it' fashion I talked to Tom and said "Honey, we should really change our eating habits.  It wouldn't hurt us to lose a few pounds and I think I would feel better for it."  He is usually agreeable to my change in directions in our lives but I could see the pessimistic look in his face because now I was changing a big part of the fun in his life.  So we headed into a 'No junk food diet but eat more fruit and vegetables except on Friday when we get Thai to keep Tom happy' diet.  All else stayed the same.  By Christmas we had lost close to 20 pounds and were feeling much better for it.  Now, in this 'junk food' category fell the wonderful food called HAMBURGERS.  OH MY, but I love hamburgers.  So last night I said, "I'm going to have a big old homemade style hamburger and some steak fries tonight."  He kind of looked at me with his sideways look and said that I should eat whatever I wanted.  So we both got one.  8-)  My hamburger was just as delicious as if my Aunt Margaret had cooked it.  We used to have hamburger nights on Friday nights (I seem to remember this being the day of the week for hamburgers but I could be wrong) and there was always lots of fresh lettuce, tomatoes, and onions to go on the hamburgers.  They had a garden that they would get the vegetables out of.  There is nothing like fresh from the garden vegetables on a hamburger.  Anyway, suffice it to say that I thoroughly enjoyed the Hamburger and Fries at O'Bryan's.  8-)


Yeah...I know that's not a very exciting blog topic, but when you've been cooped up in the house for about 9 days, it was like a little bit of heaven to get all dressed up and feeling pretty and join the rest of humanity out there having fun.  8-)

Is it a good day today?

I think my husband wakes up every morning wondering "Is it a good day today?"  Bless his heart.  My emotions are all over the place.  

I'll be sitting at my computer playing a game and he'll be sitting with his back to me (at his computer) and next thing he knows I am over here sobbing.  He says, "Are you all right?" (complete confusion in his voice) and I just say "It's just the chemo crying...not to worry."  I don't know why it  makes me cry.  I feel so thankful all the time for everything but sometimes it just takes over some part of my brain and leaves me sobbing.  

For those of you that know me...I am a 'laughing' kind of person.  (Just ask anyone at my Dad's viewing...I was the one inappropriately laughing during the entire thing...I honestly thought someone was going to kick me out and then I remembered that we were in charge and there wasn't anyone to kick me out.)  I have this big laugh that I inherited from my grandmother that leaves its mark wherever I go.  I have had bosses who moved me to offices near them and then, before too long, moved me down the hall because I laugh too loud.  Ah well...there are worse things in life than an employee who laughs too much and too loudly...HA!  

Of course, my sister might not think it is such a good thing.  I tend to laugh in situations that make me uncomfortable and sad.  One day, many years ago, she tells me about her cat that was sleeping peacefully in the dryer and one of her sons threw some tennis shoes in the dryer and turned it on (I know which one, but I won't tell here...lol).  You can imagine the rest...very sad story...I should have been going "oh, poor kitty" and crying with her but nope...I'm LAUGHING so hard my sides hurt.  I mean...it was a little bit of slapstick humor there...come on.  I felt really bad after because (of course) she's about in tears and here I am laughing.  Poor Carol...I've let her down in many ways over the years...but what are sisters for anyway? They have to take the bad parts of us and love us anyway, right?

I'm pretty sure I have gotten through the worst of the first Taxotere chemo treatment unless my white and red blood cells drop.  I can take the crying jags...I mean...after all...it's only emotions.  The bone pain was excruciating and really much worse than the crying jags.  Of course, that was caused by the shot of Neulasta they gave me to produce 'good' white blood cells in my bone marrow.  Those little white cells were just SCREAMING to get out of those bones...fighting each other...who knows what was really happening?  The nausea was controlled with medication.  My skin not growing new skin is kinda weird but I can live with the chapped feeling.  (Yeah for lotion!)  Sleeping for a couple of days was OK since I was sleeping at night even after I had slept all day.  I can't stand to not be able to sleep at night.  I'm always so afraid I'll be too tired the next day to survive all that has to be done.  

All right...there is one more annoying thing...Chemo brain...what the heck is going on with that?  So we all have moments where we leave one room and go into the next with a mission in mind.  We get to that room and all of a sudden we don't remember what we were after.  I did that before chemo brain...no big deal really...it was all laughable...my husband and I joked and laughed about it and were happy that we are growing old together and having the same problems.  OK...so imagine this....I'm holding a pen to write something during a meeting...I take the cap off and try to write with the cap.  Then I can't figure out why it isn't writing...I'm shaking the cap and pressing again....why won't it write?  Pretty disturbing when I realize that it's the WRONG PART OF THE PEN...hello!!!  It's like that all day long...wait...no wonder I'm over here crying.  My stupid brain probably doesn't even remember the laugh thing....it just figures it would become an Olympic athlete at crying.  HA!

Yeah, if you're still wondering, Tom, today is a good day...we have each other....8-)  (I think I got the good end of the deal on that one.)

Brain Dumping

I am not sure why I am starting this except that they say it will be good therapy and I'm not so sure that I want to talk to everyone about this so when you guys want to find out what is going on, I'll try to make posts to keep you up to date. There are several things to state right off the bat, I guess.

1. I am a Christian.

2. I am a Christian with a husband.

3. I am a Christian with cancer and a husband. (I was going to say with a husband and cancer but I didn't want to give the wrong idea where you might think it was the husband with cancer...lol...husband had to come first so, here we are, already with a dilemma to perfection.)

4. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, and a lot of anger.

5. I am a Christian with cancer, a husband, a lot of anger, and a lot of gratefulness. (yeah, that one is probably contradictory but there is where my brain is.)

Yeah...you probably get the idea now and are sick of that little epithet. HA.

In the last two months (this all started with a routine physical at my local OB/GYN Drs office...hoorah - imagine a marine articulation of that word), I've had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor from my breast and 4 lymph nodes from under my arm and another one to insert a catheter port into my chest under my left clavicle I've been given one treatment of chemotherapy which of course I was allergic to and they had to dope me up with Benadryl and steroids to survive it without scratching all my skin off. I've cut all my hair off to a length of two inches (which actually, I like a lot for ease of wear and care and they say it is cute...I think they're being nice but I'm OK with them being nice) because they say it will all fall out before chemo is over and I'm not wanting to clean up a BIG mess. I've bought three wigs that I really hate but will probably love when that time gets here to cover up my bald head.

The day after chemo I called my sister and all of a sudden I realized why she had changed so much in the last few years...it wasn't because she started working (which is what I originally thought because it's a different world out here than the protected one she has lived in for so many years being a work at home Mom)...it was because of what she had to deal with because of Daryl's cancer. So, the day of Chemo I realized that I am a mean chemo drunk...lol. I was pretty mean to poor Tom but it wasn't anything I could control. I was so angry and miserable and he pretty much took the brunt of it. Of course, the day after I am on this euphoric happy ride where I could do anything...they say that is the steroids...I am thinking we probably both need some therapy to get through this. I might set some up through my company's Employee Assistance Program. Maybe it will save our marriage...lol...on the day of chemo I swear I heard the words "Divorce" and "Do I need to get your mother?" come out of his mouth. HA!! (yeah, don't take offense to this, Mom, but you know we don't co-habitate well and it's a good threat for him to straighten me out if I'm acting up.) He was at his wit's end. I decided at that point to sleep for the next few days. Which I pretty much did. I just shut my mouth and slept constantly. So, by the 4th day after chemo I had pretty much calmed down except for the anger inside. Yeah, can't quite seem to kick that. I'm not even sure WHAT I am angry about. (Hence the reason for this prattling) It may just be the chemo...I am not usually the angry type...so confusing.

OK, so I've touched on the cancer, the husband, and the anger. Gratefulness is another whole category.

I am grateful that I know Jesus as my personal savior and that no matter what happens in my life, even if it is death, I know that he is there for me.

I am grateful to have a husband that loves me enough to go through this with me.

I am grateful to have such a caring son during this difficult time. (Well, I'm glad he is caring through 'any' time...lol)

I am grateful to have a wider net of 'family' that cares about me. (Sister, mother, aunts, friends, my 2 bosses. etc)

I am grateful for a home to live in.

I am grateful for good health insurance.

I am grateful for food to eat (even when I don't feel like eating).

I am grateful to be a 'survivor' of Cancer.

Amen and amen.